White Nights
by BrownBunny1976
Summary: Sequel to Blurry Days; DIR EN GREY, KYO/KAORU
1. Chapter 1

So, this is the promised sequel to Blurry Days… I know it took me a while, but lately it takes me a while to do anything, so yeah… sorry I made you wait (if anybody was waiting)! I'll try posting frequently :) The Blurry Days is my favorite fanfic ever (I mean from the ones I wrote), so I love the sequel just as much ^^ Hope you'll enjoy it too ;)

And comments would really be so much welcome! Makes the writer oh so very happy :D

**CHAPTER 1**

**OoOoO 2010 January 18 OoOoO**

Sex in the morning isn't such a bad thing after all. After Kaoru did such a good job of turning me on I wanted it badly myself this time. Which, sadly, doesn't happen too often.

I shift my head so that it would be more comfortable and sigh contently.

I lie next to Kaoru, my head on his chest, my left hand holding him over his torso, my right hand supporting my head a bit. I listen to Kaoru's breathing, feel his chest rise and fall still in a bit quicker intervals than usual. He is sweaty all over and sticky a bit down there. But so am I, so I can't really complain.

I feel his hand in my hair, playing lazily with the now blond strands and I relax even more.

It's Saturday morning. None of the two of us have to go anywhere. So we can take as much time in bed as we want. And this morning I woke up to find Kaoru slowly tracing his fingers on my belly, looking needy and flushed. And really hard.

I snigger, amused at the memory and Kaoru's hand immediately stops its movement.

"What's so funny, Kyo?" he asks, sounding a bit defensive, but curious.

I lower my gaze and look at the most intimate and private part of his body, exposed fully to me.

The first time he let me see him for real now seems to have been so long ago. Now neither of the two of us feels ashamed at being naked together. But the first few times were a bit awkward and clumsy.

I shift my head a bit trying to look Kaoru in the face.

"You seem to never get enough" I answer him with a smile on my face. "You're like a teenager with unstable hormone system."

He lifts one of his eyebrows a bit and tries to look neutral. But I see that I hit the sensitive spot.

"I don't mean it in a bad way, Kaoru, but…"

"But?"

"Well, I never thought you'd be so greedy when it comes to sex. It seems to never be enough for you."

Kaoru seems to contemplate what I said, his expression hardens a bit. Shit, I didn't want to spoil his mood when it was so perfect this morning.

"I've wanted you for years, Kyo. It shouldn't be so surprising to you that I crave closeness with you so badly."

I nod while he speaks and smile. I really understand. Especially as we don't have sex so often because of some problems I'm having.

"And it's been a long time since I had sex…"

"How long exactly you… you know… didn't fuck?"

I grin at him and he smiles back to me. I shift my position and lie next to him so that now our faces would be on the same level. I want to look him in the eyes while he speaks. We've never really talked about that before and I really want to know everything that concerns him. I'm a bit possessive when it comes to my lovers.

"The last time I had a fuck was while you were still… not right in your mind."

That's quite a lot of time, I must say.

"It was a one night thing, though. Not really relieving."

"But you still had lovers before that?" I ask, trying not to sound hurt, even if I know Kaoru had all the rights in the world to fuck with whomever he wanted when we weren't together.

He keeps silent and I get suspicious. And curious as hell.

"The last lover I had was before your disappearance."

I try to count the years, but it's so long that I start shaking my head. Who'd have so much willpower to hold back for so long? And to be alone for so many years?

"But why did you rob yourself of pleasures for so long?"

I can't tell him I'm happy some other guys or chicks haven't touched him, but if I was in his place, I would have had a hard time living celibate for so long.

"Well, when you disappeared, it never even crossed my mind. Sex and finding a lover was the last thing on my mind, I just wanted you to be found. And when you were actually found, the state you were in was the only thing I could think of."

I nod while he talks. If he already loved me so much back then, as he loves me now, I can understand that he didn't want to hook up with anyone else.

"But after you took me in and started taking care of me… You had to want to be with somebody at some point."

"I wanted to be with you."

The way Kaoru says it sounds almost like he's scolding a dumb child. But still…

"But you could never be sure if I would recover. And even then you had no guarantees that I'd want to be with you."

Kaoru sighs and turns his eyes to stare at the ceiling. But his hand finds mine in the sheets and he intertwines his fingers with mine, his palm pressed tightly against my one.

"Kyo, it's… It's all very embarrassing for me. I don't like to remember any of that."

"It's only me, Kaoru. You can tell me anything."

I'm now really dying to know what he hasn't told me about his lonely days. I even start to dread that maybe all of this taking care of me wasn't as innocent as he claims it was.

"Kyo, when you disappeared, I regretted every opportunity I had but didn't use to tell you about my feelings. And I regretted that I understood my feelings fully only when it was too late. I was deeply in love with you and I never even for a second thought of giving up hope. Only when some time passed living and taking care of you I started to really feel the effects of loneliness, of the need of a warm body, of somebody to help me ease the tension.

I fought with these feelings as best as I could. But there still were days when I just wouldn't stand seeing you naked, and wet, and just gorgeous… I never jerked off so much in my life as during that time…"

I nod, showing I understand him. Who was I to judge? Kaoru had it difficult. And he did what he could under these circumstances.

"But you found somebody even if much later…"

He sighs and a grimace shortly appears on his face.

"How do you think I managed to do that?"

He turns to look at me and I shrug. Kaoru is handsome. It wouldn't be difficult for others to want to have sex with him.

"I paid for sex that night, ok?"

I stare at him dumbfounded. The cautious and always so careful Kaoru buying sex? He must have been really desperate.

"It's nothing that horrible that you should beat yourself over it, Kao."

"Maybe… But I felt even worse after that night. And that was the one and only time. Until that morning on the porch in the backyard of your house, that is..."

"Our house" I correct him. Kaoru is now also the owner of the house, but he still calls it mine.

I draw his hand to my face and kiss the back of his palm while our fingers are still intertwined.

"Kyo, I don't want to talk about it anymore. It wasn't a tragedy. Many people don't have sex at all, or barely get some during their whole lives and they survive. It's nothing you couldn't live without."

"I know. But I just don't like to think you were suffering so much over me. That you sacrificed so much for me."

"But I got twice as much in return" Kaoru finally smiles and my heart fills with emotions after hearing him say these words. He still manages to make me blush like a teenager. Kaoru can repeat he loves me every day and I still can't get used to it.

"Kyo, I've been lucky enough to have my dream come true. My biggest dream nonetheless."

"What about being a famous and successful musician?"

"I had that. We all had that. Even if it was short-lived."

I look at him and he only smiles. I wish he would finally stop trying not to upset me. I hate being treated like somebody who is fragile and unstable. He still keeps a lot to himself and the only reason I can think of is that he wants to protect me from pain.

I sigh, defeated, and lean closer to him, kissing his shoulder lightly.

"Well, at least now you can have sex anytime you want. I'll happily make it up to you."

I can so see how Kaoru literary bites his lip from saying the horribly annoying 'you don't owe me anything Kyo, you don't have to do anything to pay me back' phrase. I hate it with passion. And making love to Kaoru is not even close to some debt I have to pay him back. I enjoy that myself a lot… when I can get it up, that is... Kaoru is just too thick-headed to finally accept that.

I sigh and snuggle up to him, put my head against his shoulder and relax. I still feel a bit weak after orgasm.

We lie like this for some time in silence. The room slowly fills with the rays of the sun and it gets warmer. I can hear our neighbor's dog start barking. But all else is silent and calm.

I wish I could put into words all my feelings and tell them to Kaoru. But all I would come up with would be sappy, cliché and girlish. And after all, Kaoru should know by now that he is very important in my life. Actually, I could easily say that he is the most important one of all people.

Somehow the happiness I feel is so fucking scary. It's as if I'm too happy and everything's too perfect. And I can't relax and enjoy it to the fullest because I just don't think it will last. Something must happen, because life is never this perfect and this happy. At least for me.

Of course there are problems. Many of them.

My parents going totally mad when they got to know that Kaoru now is the owner of my house together with me, and that we were living together from now on. My father basically telling me to forget about Kaoru or to never set my feet in his house.

Kaoru's parents also making a scene when Kaoru hinted that he will be living with me even if I've already fully recovered. Pressuring him to change his mind. Though as Kaoru was their only child, they weren't so assertive. They seem to be more interested to maintain their relationship and not lose contact with their only child.

Kaoru has problem in his work. The band he's writing music for seems to not want anything too hard and heavy, and Kaoru is always forced to readjust and rewrite the music according to the band's requests. And he really hates that. Lately he's been feeling bossed around by the leader of the band as if he was his bitch. Perhaps the success of the first album was too much to handle and he now thinks of himself as an extremely huge and important celebrity.

I told him to talk to Yoshiki about this, but Kaoru of course is not going to run to complain to him. He'd better quit than do that. And after all it wasn't completely bad. But it's just that sometimes his musical talent as a composer was suppressed. And he experienced more stress at work than ever. And now as I was OK, the band wanted him in the studio most of the time so that they could interfere with the writing of the music. And that, of course, irritated Kaoru even more.

We had problems in bed. Well, I had problems in bed. But I hated to discuss it. I just hope it will work out somehow on its own. I can't get it up most of the time. So what's here to discuss? It's already humiliating enough… And I don't want to tell Kaoru that I don't crave for sex now. If Kaoru manages to turn me on, then I'm all for it. But I never initiate any of our love-making sessions.

We also had some problems with the house. The roof was leaking water in some places. Basement had to be fixed. I want to make it be a brighter and safer-looking place. I now have a phobia of very closed up dark places, just like basements. I can't force myself to go down there for any reason. And thankfully Kaoru is intelligent enough not to ask me why.

I also don't have any job and our financial situation is kind of in a bad shape. We actually have to save money and watch how we spend it. I was used to always having money and this poverty is hard to get used to. But I just don't know what I could do. And we already had a few heated arguments with Kaoru concerning that, but I just can't make myself do anything about it. I don't want to work anywhere where there would be lots of people. And this basically reduces my possibilities to almost non existent. Especially when the only form of education I have is school.

But despite all of that I am very happy. Just because I'm with Kaoru who never fails to say he loves me at least once a day. I don't know how he can say that so carelessly all the time, but I still like it. I love hearing that. I like to know he loves me so much. I feel protected, sated and just plainly happy.

And this scares the shit out of me.

I'm so afraid it wouldn't last. I'm so afraid that something similar will happen again and we'd be separated for good. And I cling to Kaoru even more desperately.

I can't say any of that to him. I know what he'd say: I'm just being stupid and paranoid and I should just relax and let him take care of everything. Sometimes life is just perfectly happy and good. No need to worry about it.

I sigh and immediately feel Kaoru's grip on me tighten.

"You're in a strange mood today" Kaoru says and I smile to myself.

"I'm just… _happy_…"

I can't see his face, but the silence also tells me a lot. Kaoru was surprised by my answer, no need to even try to think of another explanation.

"Really, Kyo?"

"Yes" I laugh and finally turn to look him in the face. "Why wouldn't I be?"

Kaoru eyes me gently and I almost melt. It's so easy to get carried away and just give myself to his will.

"I'm really happy to hear that, Kyo. 'Cause I thought that maybe-" but he bites his lip and stops speaking.

I raise my eyebrows waiting for him to continue. Kaoru sighs. He knows I never back off. I always get my way and if I want to hear the rest, I will hear it.

"I thought that maybe you regretted your decision."

"Kaoru, what on earth did I do to make you think that? Or are you just being stupid?"

"Kyo, you have to be realistic. You barely talk to your parents now because of me. And we're broke – we have no money. Basically all we have now is this house, the car and my lousy job."

"And how all of this decides what should I feel for you, Kaoru? Because I don't see any link between those things and our relationship."

"You never said you love me. Ever."

It struck me like a lightning. I could just open my mouth in surprise, but keep silent. I never thought he needed to hear that so badly.

"Kyo, we're together, we're kind of… having sex, we're sharing our lives, but sometimes it feels as if it's only me who needs you badly. Kyo, I know you care about me, I know you need me. But being in love and being dependant on somebody are two very different things!"

I entangle myself from his arms and sit in bed. Kaoru sits as well and I can feel his eyes on me.

"You ruined the perfect morning" I mumble. I don't know what else I could say.

"Kyo…"

"No, Kaoru, you did!" I turn to him looking furious now. "Kaoru, we're living together, we're making love, I've basically put my heart on a plate and gave it to you and you still say these things to me? Didn't I just tell you that I'm happy? It's been a long time since I was this happy! A fucking very long time!"

"I know, Kyo. I just need to hear the whole truth from you."

"Kaoru, I don't think even my mother ever heard me say that I love her! I'm just not that kind of person! I don't go around telling people I love them, even if I'm drunk! And I don't think telling that changes anything! You already are the most important person in my life! Isn't that good enough for you?"

I stare at him angrily, and he looks back a bit shaken from my reaction. I guess this just was our first fight ever.

Kaoru parts his lips slightly, clearly wanting to say something, but the doorbell suddenly rings. And we both turn our heads to the direction of the door to our bedroom. Our bedroom windows are directed to the backyard, so we can't see through the window who's at the door.

"Are we expecting somebody?" I ask and Kaoru shakes his head. He starts to stand up but I grab his hand and make him sit.

"I'll go" I say and get out of bed. I quickly put on my robe and head out of the room not turning back.

I don't like to leave our argument unsolved, but there's nothing to do about it. And actually it's not like I have more to say to him. I'm not going to say 'I love you', because it's stupid and guys don't do it. I like when Kaoru does it, because it makes me feel wanted and loved, but I can't suddenly start saying these words easily.

After my first real love and betrayal, I made sure I never repeated the same mistake again. Thus 'I love you' has been basically crossed out from my dictionary.

I pad to the hall to open the door. I really don't want to see anybody right now. I just want to go back to bed and cuddle with Kaoru more. I love these lazy morning and this one was just ruined. Twice.

I open the door and can't help but gasp.

"Mom?"

What the hell is she doing here?

"Good morning, Tooru" she nodded curtly at me and stepped inside, pushing me out of her way. I could just stare at her dumbfounded. We barely talked on the phone and if we did, we always ended up arguing. Why the hell would she suddenly drop by unannounced? Not for any good reason, at least I was certain of that.

I close the door and watch her take off her shoes. She had a purse with herself and a coat. No suitcase or anything similar.

She straightened and looked at me finally. I just waited for her to say something. We weren't on a friendly basis anymore and she knew perfectly well how I felt about her trying to make me leave Kaoru. So this visit was strange to say the least.

"I'm visiting your sister this weekend and decided to stop by and see how you're doing. She said you were planning to stay at home this weekend."

Damn my sis! She could have at least warned me!

"Well, are you just going to stand like this? I'd like a cup of coffee, I didn't have any this morning yet."

I nod slowly and lead the way. I'm certainly not going to ask her to get out. I don't want to lose all contact with my parents. If she is willing to try to be nice, I can only gladly help her.

"Were you still sleeping?" she asks after looking me over from head to toe and I nod.

"We don't have any plans for today, so we slept in."

At the mention of 'we' her face screws up, but she keeps silent. We go to the kitchen and she sits down, while I put on a kettle to boil some water. My every movement is awkward as I feel her eyes on me. I really don't know what to say to her, so I just try to act normal. I really hope it's all there is to it – just a friendly visit.

Suddenly I hear footsteps and for a moment my hands freeze in mid-movement. I pray that Kaoru wouldn't come in only his robe as well or worse, only in his boxers. But when Kaoru appears at the doorstep, he is thankfully fully dressed. The moment he sees my mother he freezes on the stop starring at her.

"Good morning" Kaoru manages to stutter and glances at me confused.

My mother just nods curtly at him and turns her head away as if from some very unpleasant sight.

"Come in, Kaoru, we're going to have coffee. Would you also like coffee or do you want tea?"

"Coffee is fine."

He nears the table slowly and sits as far from my mother as he possibly can. And then the silence sets in between the three of us.

My back is turned to them and I feel relieved that I don't have to look her in the face at least for now. We really have a hard time talking to each other. But me and my mother at least try, because my father basically pretends I don't exist anymore.

"Is the Satou family's bakery still working?" my mother asks unexpectedly and I turn to look at her. I have to actually think for a moment before I answer.

"Yeah, it is. We sometimes go to buy some fresh buns for breakfast from them."

"Mmm, yes, I remember their cheesecakes were the best. I'd love to have some of their freshly baked buns right now…"

"I could quickly go buy some!" Kaoru offers immediately. It's not surprising – he wants to please my parents and make them like him. And I bet he also wants to get out of here at least for a few minutes.

My mother seems to be thinking for a moment and glances at Kaoru shortly.

"I wouldn't want to bother you" she says coldly and Kaoru opens his mouth to protest, but she silences him with lifting her hand in front of his face and turning to look at me. "Tooru, could you run down to buy my favorite cheesecake for me? They usually have it. You know the one I like? I don't remember how it's called."

Is she serious? Does she even really care about some stupid cake? Or am I just being paranoid?

"Well, if you don't want to go, it's ok…"

"No, I will. I'll change and go right away."

"I can go with you, Kyo" Kaoru offers and stands up.

"Kyo will do this quicker alone" my mother says and Kaoru sits down defeated. He would now do lots of things just to try to make her like him. Poor Kao. I don't really want to leave him alone with her. But it will only take some ten minutes, so he'll be fine.

"I'll be back soon" I smile at him and go out of the room. I run upstairs and change, grab some money and head out. I try to be fast, because I know Kaoru is having a shitty time sitting alone in the kitchen with my mother who hates his guts with passion.

Poor Kaoru.

oOoOoOo

The moment we hear Kyo close the front door, she turns to look at me and her face is hard and full of spite. And that moment I understand that she was just pretending to be nice to me while Kyo was here. If that could be called 'nice' at all, that is.

"I'll say what I want right this instant because Tooru will be back soon. So listen carefully, Niikura-san."

The way she calls me by my surname always makes me feel the lowest scum on earth. I don't think I could name a person who hates me more than she does. And I was stupid enough to believe she came to try to mend the situation and be nicer to me.

"I see that you're not backing off and that you're still sticking up with Tooru."

"I love him-"

"Don't interrupt me while I talk!" she raises her voice and I shut up. What's the point? She doesn't want to hear any other truth except hers.

"How much do you want to get in exchange of leaving Tooru at peace?"

I blink stupidly at her. What?

She seems to be waiting for an answer though.

"What do you mean?"

"How much money do you want? There's a price for everything. We're prepared to pay whatever you want if only you left him and moved out."

I stare at her shocked thinking that perhaps I didn't hear her right. But she watches me carefully waiting for my answer.

"I'm not going to leave Kyo. Not for money, not for anything else."

"We can give you twice as much as this house costs. Wouldn't that be already good enough?"

"I am not going to leave Kyo. And especially not because you pay me for that!"

"Then what do you want in exchange of Tooru? What is it that you want?"

She looks at me desperately and I can only shake my head. She is crazy. This is the only explanation I have. I'd never imagined she'd offer me money for her son!

"I want nothing from you! And I'm not leaving him! Ever!"

She throws me a look so full of hate that I almost cringe. Almost.

I've faced them before and I'm always prepared for the worst when I meet her or Kyo's father.

She seems to want to say something more to me but I don't give her the chance. I turn around and storm out of the kitchen. I try not to slam our bedroom door when I go in, and then just fall on the bed.

"Fucking bullshit…" I murmur, clenching my fists. This is so fucked up.

I lie there for some time, just trying to calm down. Then I grab the cigarettes from the bedside table and open the bedroom window. I need a smoke. I need it badly.

My fingers soon freeze and it gets hard to hold the cig between them. It's a cold January afternoon after all. Not the best time for smoking outdoors.

I manage to smoke four cigarettes when the door silently opens and I turn to see who it is, pleading silently in my mind for it not to be Kyo's mother.

But I see Kyo standing in the doorway, looking upset. He eyes me carefully and comes to stand near me. His fingers feel warm on my cold ones as he takes the cigarette from my hands and puts it out. Then he closes the window and sighs.

"What happened, Kaoru? What did she tell you?"

I study his face carefully and can only make a conclusion that she didn't say anything to Kyo. Well, it's better this way. No need for him to know any of that.

"The usual shit…" I shrug, trying not to look too pissed off.

Kyo sighs again and intertwines his fingers with mine, clasping his palm tightly to my one.

"It's OK, Kyo, forget it. She just said the same shit as always – leave Kyo, go away, give him back his house. The usual bullshit."

For some reason today Kyo seems to get even more upset over that. Usually he would get angry, but today he seems to take it all to heart.

"I wish they would leave us alone" Kyo says and his voice is heavy with sadness. "I don't want to lose my parents over that. I don't want to be forced to choose my parents or my lover…"

What the fuck can I say? I wish he didn't have to choose either.

I push him closer to me and hug him lightly, kiss his forehead and inhale his scent. He smells like _Kyo_ and I love this smell. It's mysterious, ancient and mature, sweet but with a certain sharp edge to it. I don't know why, but it always reminds me of Kyoto. I always think this is what the scent of Kyoto might be – fresh, but mature, sweet, but at the same time bitter.

"Maybe they will come to their senses one day" I try to be optimistic. Though we both know it's all one big fat lie.

"Maybe…" Kyo says, snuggling deeper in the embrace.

"Is she gone already?" I have to make sure. I feel him nod and I can't help but breathe easier. We're alone again.

She ruined the morning, but it was turning out into a fight anyway, so what the hell. We have to try to make up for it at least now.

"What do you want to do today?" I ask him, looking down at his blond locks.

I feel him shrug.

"We now have a huge piece of cheesecake in the kitchen. Let's finally eat. And then… I don't know. My mood is spoilt today and I don't want to do anything at all."

"Breakfast sounds just fine" I reassure him and we head to the kitchen.

We didn't manage to relax fully that day after all. I constantly stopped to listen thinking I heard the doorbell ring again. But she didn't come back. And we spent the whole day just busying ourselves around the house. There always were things to be fixed and cleaned, dishes to be washed and laundry to be done. And I still had some work to do, even though I promised myself I wouldn't even think about it today.

At the end of the day, when we finally went to bed and switched off the lights, Kyo cuddled up to me and I immediately felt more relieved than I was during the whole day. I hugged him loosely with my left hand and kissed his forehead lightly.

"Goodnight" I whispered.

"Night" Kyo murmured.

I felt his smaller frame press to my one and couldn't help but sigh in content. I just knew I would sleep well tonight again. Cause I only needed Kyo by my side. And it felt damn good to have him.

It still felt too damn good.

**TBC**


	2. Chapter 2

- 2010 January 24 -

"Beer maybe?"

"Naaaaah, I can't, I'm driving."

"Your loss" Die grins and takes out only two bottles and hands one to Toshiya, while I get tea. I take the cup and start playing with it, looking down at the green liquid inside. A few moments pass in silence and I finally lift my head to look at the couple in front of me.

Toshiya and Die both look at me curiously, clearly aware that I didn't come here just to have a cup of tea.

"So… where's Kyo?" Toshiya asks, looking me in the eyes.

"Home, I guess. I finished work earlier today, so I used the free time to come here."

"And Kyo doesn't know?" Toshiya asked, though it looked as if he already knew the answer. I just nod a bit and smile sheepishly.

"So what's up?" Die asks, looking a bit curious and worried now.

"It's nothing really… I just…" I sight and rub my temples with my fingers. I feel frustrated and a bit angry on myself that I came here with my problems, but there's really nowhere else I could turn to. They are the only ones I trust enough to tell what's bothering me and the only ones who could understand my problems at all.

They both wait for me to speak and I sigh yet again.

"It's Kyo's parents. They're making our life difficult."

Especially my life difficult, but I don't want to complain and be pitied. That's not what I came here for.

"It's a bit difficult… His father basically refuses him as his son and his mother, whenever we see her, is all hysterical and always tries to talk Kyo into leaving me."

I sip from the cup just to give myself time to gather my thoughts and make them more coherent.

"You both are together for a long time. I wanted to ask you… I mean, does anyone else except me, Kyo and Shinya know about your relationship? Like your parents? How is it for you two?"

Toshiya and Die exchange their glances and I wait now. I just thought that maybe they could give me some advice. Because I myself just don't know what else to do. I feel cornered and the only solution to this problem it seems is the only one I could never accept.

"Well, with my parents it was pretty much easy" Toshiya starts slowly. "I started to feel different for the same sex when I still was a teenager. I had my issues and a hard time of dealing with this new experience, and somewhere along that my mom got to know that by accident. I don't even know how I let that happen, cause I always was very careful.

Well, to cut the long story short, that was the main problem when I was still a teen and when I understood that I liked to swing both ways, my parents had to accept that as well. My mom learned to live with that and my dad gradually learned to accept it.

So when Die appeared, it was not already an issue of me liking guys, it was already an issue of what kind of person Die was. We've been to visit my parents together a few times and they liked Die, so we're quite alright with my family."

I smile a bit and can't help but feel jealous for them right now.

"Die was so nervous the first time we went for the weekend!" Toshiya laughed. "But I just told him to keep the jokes down and the rest will be ok."

"It wasn't as bad as I expected" Die laughs.

"And what about your parents?" I ask Die.

"Aaah, well… Not so smooth as with Totchi's folk" Die says and suddenly all the laughter dies down.

"Die's parents are a bit different story" Toshiya sips his beer looking thoughtful.

"It's as if we have a silent agreement in our family" Die speaks, not letting Toshiya do all the talking, especially the unhappy one. "My father knows I'm gay, but he pretends I am not. This is the only way he can accept that. And my mom still sometimes starts the talk of how I should finally settle down and get myself a family."

Die's smile on the lips seems bitter and on his face I see the same emotions I recently have. The bitterness over the fact that you cannot change the existing situation. Even if you wish you could.

"Though at least my brother is cool about that. He visited us in Tokyo and he really liked Toshiya. I think he has gay friends and it's just not that important for him. After all, I make up for him by being a famous rock star and he used to boast to his friends about that a lot."

Die chuckles and smiles bitterly again.

"I think my parents tolerate my sexual orientation to some extent only because of that. I am not a failure, I have money, I am famous and a public person, so me being gay becomes a somewhat less horrible thing for them."

"They visited Die some time ago and I met them as a band mate" Toshiya says silently, suddenly looking as if he was bothered by something. "And…"

Toshiya falls silent and smiles somewhat sadly.

"And when the two of us were left alone with them for some time, I hinted to them about our relationship" Die fills in.

"Yeah… you're not that smooth with things like that, Die. I would never trust you again to deliver some news to people delicately."

Die looks a bit embarrassed for a moment and only smiles apologetically to Toshiya. It's clear that they've had conversations about that already many times and 'I'm sorry' was repeated more than once.

"Well, I can only say that since then Die's parents look at me as if I was some kind of a two-headed monster. They don't really like me, but they don't terrorize us. They just pretend I don't exist and Die has no love life whatsoever."

I sigh and push the tea aside.

"It's not even half as bad as it is with Kyo's parents."

"What exactly happened, Kaoru?" Toshiya asks, clearly interested to know.

"Kyo's mother dropped by unannounced and basically offered me money to disappear from Kyo's life."

"Wow, that's… harsh!" Die shouts.

"And it's always like that. They openly show how much they don't like me."

Huh, don't like me. More like hate me with all their hearts.

"They are really hypocritical" Toshiya frowns. "I mean, what about Kyo? Kyo is also gay, or at least bi, or whatever he is... Why is it alright for him to be this way and for you already not OK? It's as if you didn't exist, Kyo would be straight."

"Sometimes it feels like it. As if I was the only source of the problem."

"Come on, cheer up, Kaoru!" Die pats me on the back friendly. "I'm sure they won't be this assertive all the time. They will give up eventually."

"I know, but this is just so tiring…"

For a few moments only silence is heard and I sight loudly. Even with the way Die's parents behave, I feel jealous. I wish all of them would just fuck of and left me and Kyo in peace. That would already be like heaven.

"And what about your parents, Kaoru?" Toshiya asks carefully.

I shrug, not really sure myself what to tell him.

"They're not happy that I live with Kyo now, but they don't try to impose their opinion on me. I don't really know… We even spent Christmas and New Year with them and they were OK with Kyo being there with me, but after I moved in with Kyo they started showing more displeasure than before. Since then I haven't seen them and now I really don't want to. I'm afraid that they will start the same bullshit as Kyo's parents."

"It doesn't sound like that" Die muses. "I think you should really try visiting them more often and just give them a chance to see how happy you are with the choice you made. And they might even like Kyo."

"Might even like Kyo?" I repeat, razing my eyebrows. "What do you mean by that?"

Toshiya tries hard not to snigger too loudly and Die cringes in his seat.

"Well you know, Kyo's got not the easiest character and he usually seems to be cold and unsocial to strangers. And... Oh, you know what I mean!"

"Kyo is always polite and nice with my parents!" I cross my hands on the chest defending my lover. "That never was a problem!"

"Yeah, OK, sorry!" Die lifts his hands in defense and looks even more embarrassed.

"Do they not like Kyo's past?" Toshiya asks gently and I smile at him, nodding a bit.

"They saw how Kyo was when his mind was not right, and they in the end supported my decision to take care of him. But then Kyo started to recover and then they didn't understand why I still wanted to be with him."

"You know, Kaoru, I really believe things will work out for both of you" Toshiya says, looking assertive. "Your parents doesn't sound that bad, they just need some more time. And Kyo's parents… I really think they will give up after some time. You just have to prove them you really want to be together and nothing will ever change that."

Die nodded to all Toshiya said and somehow it really made me feel somewhat relieved. They also had problems, though perhaps not even half as bad as my and Kyo's ones, but still. I just have to get a grip on myself. Everything's going to be fine.

"Thanks guys. I just really needed for somebody from aside to tell me how the situation looks. I don't want to tell Kyo what his mother has offered me. It would just upset him and he would end up having a fight with her yet gain."

"Of course" Toshiya nods.

"How is he?" Die asks. "Is his health stable finally?"

"Well… he still has nightmares sometimes, but they aren't that bad anymore, so I guess I could say he's fine. Though he still needs tranquilizers sometimes. And he still is too much depressed for my liking. I really want him to start thinking about a job and the future, but he seems to still live in a kind of fairy land where money isn't needed and lovers don't have to go to work. He still feels very insecure and is very clingy. Doesn't go out by himself that much. But I guess compared to what his condition used to be, I shouldn't be so concerned."

"Hmmm… Maybe he just needs more time. We don't even know what he had to go through, so who we are to judge how much time he needs to forget all of that" Toshiya says silently.

"Kyo will never forget all of it" I say and my voice sounds harsh, but I don't care. They have no idea what Kyo's been through. And I'm not about to tell them.

Silence falls between us and at that moment I understand just what a bit gap opened between me and Kyo and the rest of our band mates. We still share a lot of what is going on in our lives, but now the three of them are on the different side from where I stand. And if they would as much as try to say something against Kyo, I would fight them without thinking twice.

My phone rings and the atmosphere in the room changes. Toshiya and Die immediately relax and I pick up my mobile to see who's calling me.

"It's Kyo" I smile at the screen. "Please keep silent, I don't want him to know I visited you with these questions."

They both nod and I accept the call, not wanting to make Kyo wait longer.

"Hey, Kyo-kun!"

"_Kaoru?_" just from that one word Kyo's voice sounds strange to me and I get worried immediately.

"Is everything alright, Kyo?"

"_Are you already coming home?_"

"Yes, I'm on my way. What happened? What's wrong, Kyo?"

"_Nothing's wrong. It's just… it's stupid, I know it is, but I just want you to come back home as soon as you can._"

I stand up and start walking to the hall. Die and Toshiya follow, also looking worried. They heard my part of the conversation and it was enough to understand something was not right.

"_It's nothing, Kaoru, really. I just… there was some guy starring at our kitchen windows in the morning and I think I just saw him a few minutes ago again, starring at our front yard, and I just…_"

"It wasn't that man, was it?" I whisper, really scared now.

"_N-no, it wasn't h-him. I saw the face and it was just some guy, but I just… I know it's stupid, Kaoru, but I'm scared now!_"

"Just lock the doors and go upstairs. I'll be back in thirty minutes."

"_Okay, please hurry._"

"I will."

I shut my phone and put the shoes on.

"Is everything all right?" Toshiya asks, looking somewhat scared.

"Yeah, it is. Kyo just doesn't feel safe now when he's alone, even at home. I'll be going now. Thanks for everything, guys. Goodnight."

"Goodnight."

When they close the door behind me, I almost run down the corridor to the elevator and then to the parking lot.

I know it's nothing dangerous and real, but Kyo's condition could have never been measured physically. It was all his mind. It was in his head. And I really didn't want Kyo to start having panic attack while he was alone.

He didn't have one for a long time now and I really didn't like this. But I hope I would arrive home to find him a bit scared and frustrated, but nothing more serious.

It's been years since Kyo was found wondering in the streets somewhere many miles away from Tokyo. But we still feel the consequences. And it still affects our lives. My and Kyo's lives.

Perhaps the consequences will never fully go away.

oOoOoOo

Kyo hands me the glass and I put it on the kitchen table. Kyo still grasps the bottle with pills in his hand and I can't help but worry about him. I hope the pills will start working soon and he will calm down noticeably.

"Feeling better?" I ask and Kyo nods a bit, still looking worried and a bit not like himself.

"I'm sorry, Kaoru. I know I made a scene for nothing, but I just got really scared…"

"Don't be stupid, Kyo. I'm not angry. Whatever it is that worries you, always tell me. I mean it."

He nods still looking a bit worried and embarrassed.

"Come on, let's go to the bedroom. It's already late, so we can just watch TV for some time and relax."

"OK."

Kyo carefully puts the bottle with pills in a cupboard and turns to me.

"Did you lock the doors?"

"Yes, I did. I also checked the balcony door to the garden and closed all the windows. So there's no need to worry, you can relax now, Kyo."

We go to the bedroom and I close the curtains. Kyo is already taking off his clothes. His movements are slow, as if he would need time to think over every move he makes. I didn't even notice how I start watching him. After I closed the curtains, the room sinks in dusk and Kyo's body becomes of a darker shade, looking somewhat sharper. He's short and now skinny. He wanted to get back in shape and started to work out, gave up eating all that was fatty and high in calories. Now he looked almost like I remember him.

Drop-dead gorgeous.

He got more tattoos and now his hands look a lot different. They are almost all covered in ink now. And somehow I find it really sexy. He still wants more and I would object, but I know it's pointless. He'd still do the way he wants.

Kyo took off his sweater and now was stepping out of his pants. His back was turned to me, so I still stared at him. The muscles on his back, the pale skin, black ink covering both hands, spiky blond hair, firm ass.

Kyo turns to look at me and immediately notices that something's off. He looks at me questioningly, raising his brows.

I make myself to move and come closer to him. I don't even want to watch some crappy show on TV. I want Kyo. I always want only Kyo. I know I tell him I love him almost every day, but that's only the truth. And I can't help but want him all the time. It's just that sometimes I think if I look desperate and clingy to him. He never told me he loves me, even though I know I am the only one really important person in his life now. Maybe one of the two, I shouldn't forget his sister, I guess…

But today I'm not going to start a fight with him over this. Tonight I want to spend the time being close to him. Maybe making love to him if he is up for that.

Kyo looks up and smiles to me when I take his hand and push him towards the bed.

"What?" he asks, smiling a bit. He already looks much calmer to me. I hope it will stay like that for the rest of the night.

I push him down on the bed and make him lie down. He looks up at me, smiling slightly, as if trying to mock me and ask was I really thinking I could get my way with him.

"I'd be pleased if you would just lie here and be sexy" I say, smirking a bit.

Kyo crosses his hands and puts them under his head, starring at me. Waiting for my next move.

I quickly get rid of the sweater and my pants and socks and climb on the bed straddling him. Kyo just keeps smiling, watching my every move.

"I always said you're gorgeous" I whisper and lower myself down to kiss him. Kyo puts his hands over my neck and pushes me closer to himself.

"Kaoru" he almost purrs. "Are you horny again?"

"Yeah…"

Kyo lets out a small laugh and kisses me again. This time a bit slower and deliberately. I press my hips to his body to let him feel my need growing bigger and bigger.

"I want you, Kyo" I whisper in his ear.

"I know" Kyo says, sounding almost cocky. "I know..."

This time his voice is just tender and soft. I guess he finally starts feeling the effect of the pills.

"I want you too" he says silently, tracing his fingers over my naked back almost sensually. A shiver runs down my body from this touch and I press up to him tighter.

"Can I make love to you, Kyo?"

He keeps silent for a moment, but then nods slowly. He still sometimes feels uncomfortable with being on the receiving end. Sometimes he's all for it and loves it. But sometimes, like today, he feels hesitant and reluctant to be on the bottom. It's not that he doesn't like it, it's just that he feels a bit scared every time we do it like this. And I always try to be extra careful in the beginning. But then when he's all hot and panting and hard and turned on, then it always is great. It's just the beginning that's awkward. Even if I am the one on the bottom.

This time though I also hope that sex will distract him and help him forget about what happened today. Kyo needs to relax.

I lean down and brush my lips over his ones lightly. His lips are moist and warm. I love the feeling of my lips on his bottom lip, touching it just the slightest and feeling his whole body react to it – a shiver runs down from his head to toes and Kyo closes his eyes in anticipation.

I kiss him finally, not wanting to torture him anymore.

He responds to my kisses by pressing back to me, tightening his hold on me, pressing me closer to him desperately. It is very silent tonight. I can only hear our kisses and Kyo's sharp little breaths he takes in between them. And the shuffling of the sheets underneath us.

My hands travel on their own down Kyo's sides and stop on his thighs. I start stroking them slowly, very close to his cock, but not really touching it. It always makes him desperate for touch if I do this long enough.

I feel Kyo's hands on my back now. He has a light grip on me and after some more time I feel it loosen up even more until his hands slide down my sides, fall on the bed and stay resting there.

Kyo pushes back his head a bit and I hear him sigh.

I draw back to look him in the face.

"What's wrong, Kyo?" I try to ask him gently. He looks almost sad now and I immediately feel worried.

"I'm sorry, Kaoru. But I just can't get it up."

He looks embarrassed after he utters these words and I automatically look down. I am rock hard and Kyo's dick is flat and tiny looking and simply pathetic compared to mine.

I hear myself sigh despite my own will and roll off of Kyo to lie next to him.

"It's OK" I mutter, though a feeling of frustration creeps into me. I really am all horny and want a release so bad. But I know Kyo's not doing this on purpose, so I have to just accept things how they are. It's not the first time after all when Kyo can't get exited. And I can't really blame him.

It's just that… sometimes my sex life is non-existent. Kyo has too many times when he can't get it up. And by now I know it's not normal and it is something we should be worried about. But Kyo refuses to see a doctor over this matter. He still hopes it will all work out on its own with time.

And I will of course wait and hope for the best.

It's just that today I was craving for closeness so bad and I'm not going to get any.

"You're disappointed" I hear Kyo's voice beside me and it is so sad and weak that I immediately want to smack myself for being so stupid. I should have covered up my disappointment better.

I turn to look him in the eyes and try to force out a reassuring smile.

"Well, I'm just horny, Kyo. But that's really not the end of the world."

I hate how he still feels so insecure where sex is concerned. And how he still has little panic attacks like the one today. I wish he would already be fine. I wish he didn't have any more problems and fears. I wish he would just say some crude remark to me then grin and fuck my brains out.

But I must finally admit the truth. Kyo is never going to be the same as he was. I know it. But even then I hope I am wrong. Though all the evidence is right in front of my eyes and they all tell me only one truth. The truth I don't really like.

Sometimes when this happens Kyo just blows me to make up to me, but I usually never ask for that myself. Only if Kyo offers to do it himself. I don't want to pressure him with anything when it comes to sex, so I simply don't ask.

I feel Kyo cuddle up to my side. He buries his head between my arm and my hand and puts his hands on my torso carefully, though barely touching it with his fingers as if he would be afraid. I feel him tremble a bit as if he was cold or crying.

So no blowjob for me as well tonight.

I curse myself immediately.

I am so selfish. Kyo just had a scare of his life today, thinking the shithead kidnapper came back, and here I am, wanting only to fuck him or get a blowjob from him.

I wish I wasn't this selfish. But it's hard not to be when I'm this horny.

Though I can forgive myself these thoughts only because however badly I would want to have sex, I would never ever try to force Kyo into anything he didn't want. Not even a relatively innocent blowjob.

I can't help but sight and close my eyes for a moment, trying to will the boner in my boxers go away.

I put a hand over Kyo and push him closer to me, then grab the blanket and cover us both as much as I can reach. The bitter disappointment still lingers, but I try to force these thoughts out of my head.

It is a catch 22 situation, really.

Or, more or less, it is similar to it.

I am horny and want Kyo badly, but I won't ever make a move if Kyo doesn't want me to. And I know he doesn't want me to most of the time. But Kyo needs me to encourage him and initiate the intimate moments between us, because otherwise we wouldn't have any of those at all. But as I don't want to force Kyo into anything that is uncomfortable for him, I barely ever try pushing him at all.

Thus this leaves me almost always not satisfied at all.

And even if I want it badly, so badly that sometimes I can barely hold myself back, I never say a word to him. What would he feel if I told him I hate how we rarely are intimate with each other? What should he say if I told him I want him badly, that I just want to turn him over and fuck him blind? If he doesn't want it himself, but did it only just to please me, would I become any different from that degenerated bastard that held him captive?

No, I wouldn't. I'd sink as low as him. I'd hurt Kyo. And for what? For sex?

A snort comes out from my lips involuntarily.

No, I am not going to ever do any of that. So I'm horny, so what? It is a pain in the ass, being constantly horny to the point that sometimes it hurts. And being disappointed with your sex life most of the time is also no fun. But I am not going to ever tell Kyo any of that and hurt him, make him think he needs to please me, that he needs to attend to my physical needs.

Because he doesn't. And I am a better man than to make him feel guilty and obliged to have sex with me.

But suddenly I hear a sob escape from Kyo's lips and I turn to look at him. A few tears are running down his cheeks and he starts pushing back from me, looking so bewildered.

"Hey, what's wrong?" I ask and try to tighten my hold on him and not to let him escape me. Kyo tries to turn his head away from me and not to look at me.

And finally it clicks. Perhaps he misinterpreted the snort I let out by accident and now thinks I was sarcastic.

"Hey, come on, look at me" I try to make him face me again. "Kyo, I was speaking seriously. It's OK, it really is."

Kyo calms down somewhat, but I see how much effort it takes him to do that. Most of these emotions and sensitivity tonight are the cause of the drugs he drank. They make Kyo's panic attacks go away, but he becomes extra sensitive and hard to talk to. I already know how it works, so this is no surprise to me. But still, I hate seeing him so emotionally shaken.

I draw him even closer to my naked chest. It feels comforting to feel him pressing up to me finally instead of trying to pull away.

"How can it be ok? I always push you away, I almost never want to make love to you… And I know you need it, but sometimes I just can't force myself to bear with it and just do it…"

"God, Kyo! What are you saying? Don't you ever do anything you don't want! Haven't you got tired of me repeating the same thing over and over again? Kyo, you don't owe me and you don't have to do anything to repay me – including sex! When will it sink in your thick head?"

Kyo keeps silent and I sigh. I can't be mad at him even if he talks nonsense like that sometimes.

"Let's just rest tonight, OK? You're already overly sensitive because of the drugs. But they will help you sleep well and in the morning all will look a bit different. You'll see."

Kyo nods and I kiss him on the head. I reach for the lamp on the bedside table and turn it off.

"Goodnight, Kyo-kun."

"Night."

For some time I listen to his breathing and try to focus my thoughts on anything else except the boner in my boxers. This is just so damn familiar. Me trying to fall asleep while my cock tortures me and begs for attention.

But as always, I finally fall asleep somehow.

oOoOoOo

I wake up to find the bed beside me empty. I stretch and go to the bathroom. After doing the usual routine of taking a piss, cleaning my teeth and having a shower, I go out feeling refreshed and much better.

Mornings always come and yesterday's problems always don't seem so difficult anymore.

I go to the kitchen and find Kyo sitting there, cuddled up in a thick bathrobe with a cup of coffee in front of him.

"Morning" I smile to him.

"Morning" Kyo mumbles back to me, not even lifting his head to look at me.

"For how long are you up already?"

Kyo shrugs his shoulders slightly. Shit, why on earth is he still in such a bad mood today? I thought that after a good night's sleep he'd be fine again. But he seems to still be sad over something.

I sit in front of him, deciding we have to talk it over.

"What's wrong Kyo?"

He sits silently for a few more moments and finally lifts his eyes to look at me.

"We can't go on like this anymore."

"What do you mean?"

"I start to think that it was a mistake to move in with you."

"What?"

Is he fucking serious?

"I woke up early in the morning and couldn't fall asleep again, so I staid up, thinking about things… And the only conclusion I could come up with is that it is not fair for you. I am holding you back. I can't even have sex with you. Whenever I do, you have to work hard to turn me on. And I'm beginning to fear it will never change."

I open my mouth to protest but Kyo beats me.

"And it's not only about sex, Kaoru, of course not! I think it's unfair for you to live with me when you say you love me so much and I… and I only want to be with you because I need you… and the safety that your presence provides…"

There is nothing I can say now. All reason left me, all coherent thoughts escaped my mind right that instant Kyo said these words.

"I'm starting to think I'm using you, being cruel to you, I…"

Kyo grips the cup in his hands to direct his frustration somewhere. He lowers his head and stares at the table now.

"I don't want you to ever go… But… I'm so sick of living in this constant fair. I'm afraid that that man will seek for me again and find me, and bring me back to the nightmare I had to live in and I won't even be able to die unless he lets me. I'm afraid you will get tired of me – of the constant lack of money and absence of sex, of my parents always terrorizing you and yours being disappointed in you. I want this life I have now so much, but after yesterday I understood that it's not as perfect as I thought it was.

Maybe I just need you to feel safe, maybe I just need your presence in order to be able to live normally. Because now even the slightest things make me panic. And if not you, I'd be soon going back to the madhouse…

Kaoru, I just… I'm just so fucking tired of everything…"

I feel my eyes fill up with tears, but I don't let them escape.

Will this ever going to end? Will we ever be happy?

"Kyo…" I start, but my voice cracks and I stop for a moment. "Kyo, don't say any of that ever again. Please… I love you more than anything in this world. So don't tell me you don't want me in your life anymore. Don't you do that to me."

I shake my head while speaking and my voice sounds shaky and dry.

I never thought he'd be having thoughts like that ever again. I never thought we'd be talking about this yet one more time.

"But Kaoru, what good do you get out of this?"

He lifts his eyes and they pierce right into the depths of my soul.

"I get all I ever wanted, Kyo" I state this as firmly as I can. "I get _you_. And all that comes together with that is fine by me as long as I have you."

"It's not that simple, Kaoru" Kyo shakes his head, but I can see that I'm getting through him bit by bit.

"Kyo, what would you really feel if I said you are right and just moved out? Would you be happy then? Would you?"

"It's not about me, Kaoru, it's about you."

"Cut out the bullshit, Kyo! I'm asking you what would YOU feel? Do you really want me to pack my things right now and be gone from your life forever? Would that make you happy?"

He shakes his head frantically, looking scared all of a sudden.

"Then why do you say stupid shit like that, Kyo? Why would you say any of that when you know how much I love you?"

"But you're not happy…"

"Did I ever tell you that? Did I?"

Kyo shakes his head again and I feel bad for making him scared, but I have to get to him, I have to make him see reason. Because he's just being confused again. Confused because just yesterday he thought the man came back to get him. And I'm not going to let this fear ruin what we have now.

"No I didn't, because I am happy! I have you, Kyo! I love you, I need you badly! And don't you ever doubt that! Because nothing else is as important for me as you, got it?"

Kyo nods slightly, looking so miserable that I simply can't make myself shout on him anymore. I get up and go to him, kneel in front of him and take his tattooed hands in mine. I lift one of them, the tattoo-free hand to my lips and kiss the fingers one by one. And with each kiss Kyo's face becomes softer and sadder.

And full of love to me.

Whatever he says, I know he loves me. He just never tells.

"Kyo, you see, you want to be with me, you need me. And I don't think you'd still want me in your life if you didn't love me even a little. So stop speaking that nonsense! Yes, you need me, but you also want me. If you hated somebody, you wouldn't make yourself live with him even if you needed that person's presence badly. Do I make sense to you?"

Kyo nods and a few tears escape his eyes.

"Hey, there's no need to cry."

I wipe away the wet tracks with my hand and smile to him.

"You make me happy, Kyo, really. The only thing I lack is too little sex with you, but it's not like I don't get any at all! So I'm OK with that, I swear, Kyo!"

So what if there is some lie in what I tell him. I wouldn't ever do anything differently. I wouldn't ever tell him how badly my body craves for his when he can't give all I want on his free will. So I have to be fine with what I get from time to time.

And I have to be strong for both of us.

"I'm sorry, Kaoru…" Kyo chokes out and I now hug him, letting him burry his face in my chest, letting him finally let out all his frustration by crying in my shirt. I hold him while his body shakes in my arms, until he calms down.

"I'm sorry" Kyo whispers again, but this time his voice sounds stronger and calmer. "I don't know what came over me. I don't want you out of my house… our house… out of my life…"

"I know."

Kyo wriggles out of my arms and looks me in the eyes.

"Kaoru, I do… I do love you" he whispers, looking me right in the eyes.

I feel my breath stuck in my throat, my mouth getting dry and raspy, my heart suddenly starting to beat in my chest like crazy.

"I want you to know that. Whatever I say, I do have this feeling for you, not only the need to have you to feel safe."

I nod, showing I understand him, but right now I still can't say anything to him.

"Perhaps if I never went missing, we never would have gotten together… Perhaps I would have told you I was sorry that I couldn't respond to your feelings and hoped you'd get over me sooner. I never thought of you that way before…

But I got attached to you, needed you in order to survive, needed you like air. And now I just can't imagine my life without you. I know it's not nearly what you need and I'm really sorry for that. I wish I saw earlier what a wonderful person you are. I wish I fell in love with you back then.

But now it is what it is. I know you love me more than I do, and it makes me feel so guilty…"

"No, don't ever feel bad because of that" I tell him. "Kyo, your feelings to me aren't inferior, they aren't weaker or less important. If you didn't care, you wouldn't even bother giving a shit of how I feel. You wouldn't defend me so fiercely from your parents. You wouldn't feel bad for thinking you hurt me."

"You're wrong, Kaoru."

"No I am not. And you know it."

And the way I say it, it sounds final.

Kyo looks at me and smiles slightly.

"And I love you too, Kyo" I say and kiss him.

I'm glad it's over. I'm glad he told me what thoughts he had and not just let them get rooted in his brain.

I'm glad he finally admitted loudly he loved me.

I'm so fucking happy right now.

"Why are you smiling?" Kyo asks.

"Because I love you, Kyo. I love you so much!"

"You're just being silly. Who would want to love me anyway? I'm useless."

"I hope nobody else would want to love you 'cause now you're mine. Useless or not, you're all mine."

And I'm so happy to see Kyo finally smile to me. Or actually, he beams at me hearing my last remark and plants a kiss on my lips carefully.

I now think we'll need to see his doctor again, to get some pills from depression or something like that. Maybe to see the psychologist again.

But we'll be fine. We already are fine. It's just that the road to recovery is long. Too long. And perhaps it will never end.

We just have to learn to live with that.

**TBC**

I hope all of their conversations weren't confusing. I think they would still have many issues, and Kyo would still have to deal with his insecurities, especially when for a moment he thought the kidnapper came back. And the sex part would definitely be a problem which would need time to be solved.

I really hope all of it was realistic and logical enough. And Kyo's sensitivity this time was caused by his fear that the man came back for him and by the drugs.

XxXMiyavisHeartXxX - - - Thank you for never forgetting to leave me a comment ^^ Seems like so far you're the only one reading the sequel _ I'll try to keep the updates coming ;)


	3. Chapter 3

oOo the 12th of March 2010 oOo

I drag my feet to my car, with two bags of food in my hands. It sucks to live alone. I have to take care of everything: the food, the laundry, the cleaning-up, the bills and so on and so forth. Sometimes it gets on my nerves.

Like today.

For some reason today I am in a foul mood.

Maybe because I had a lousy day at work. My work sucks. I hate to work in an office. Sometimes it is decent enough, but most of the time it is boring and unchallenging. I do my best in hopes of getting an even higher position, but sometimes it is still just plainly boring.

I sigh and put the bags on the ground to open the doors of the car, then shove the bags inside.

"Kaoru!"

I stiffen at hearing my name so unexpectedly and turn to see whom I ran into in this car park of the mall. At the back of my head a feeling that the voice is something very special to me nags me. But I turn to look at the person totally oblivious to who its owner is.

And for a moment I don't recognize the man in front of me. As if part of me would be strongly rejecting the truth standing in front of my eyes. But I take in the face in front of me – the nose, the so familiar full lips, deep dark eyes and those handsome cheekbones, the blond hair – and the truth becomes obvious.

"Kyo?" I stutter, not wanting to believe that it's really him in front of me.

Kyo slowly approaches me, looking a bit intimidated and hesitant, but curious. He stops just a few steps away from me and manages to force a little smile. I look him over more carefully now. He looks much older – much more mature than how he looked… how many years ago? Seven? Eight?

He's got more tattoos as far as I can see, his hair is still blond and his face has a harder edge to it, something hostile in itself. And his eyes… his eyes bear so much more feelings than they used to. They look much deeper and much more contemplating. As if he was almost another man, not the Kyo I used to know.

"Hi, Kaoru" he says and I feel my legs get weak at just hearing his voice after so many years.

"H-hi" I finally manage to utter.

For a moment we just stand in front of each other, looking at one another. We used to know each others thoughts so well, no words needed. But now I stand here not having any idea what Kyo might be thinking now, looking at me in my black suit and neatly combed black hair.

"I saw you in the mall and… well… but I wasn't sure it was you. But I'm glad I decided to approach you."

In the mall? So he must have seen me and followed me here, hesitating if he should call my name or not and deciding to do it the last minute. And I'm glad he did.

"I work just right beside the mall, so I usually do the shopping here. It's convenient."

"Uhuh."

What the hell are we talking about? There are so many things I want to ask him, but I don't know if I can. Maybe he just wanted to say hi and has no intention of developing a normal conversation with me.

"How have you been doing?" Kyo asks, stepping a little closer, looking me in the eyes.

"I should be asking you that" I say. And immediately regret it. Not only is it rude, but also too personal. We haven't met for so many years now and maybe Kyo is just being polite and has no intentions of revealing anything of what had happened to him back then. And I am being too blunt.

"I'm fine" he says, but I can see that I hit the most sensitive spot. He looks a bit irritated all of a sudden.

"Sorry, Kyo. I know it's not my business. Not anymore."

He suddenly smiles gently, as if he didn't really care at all.

"How have you been, Kaoru? For real. I haven't heard a word from you for so many years."

My heart fills with happiness and warmth hearing that he cares enough to think about me from time to time.

"I'm fine, I guess."

I don't know what to tell him. I have some problems here and there, but on the whole my life is an average one now. I can't really complain. It is nothing compared to what it's been when I was dating a gorgeous singer of a famous rock band.

My chests cramps painfully suddenly, as if lacking oxygen by being pressed down by the whole weight of the world.

I never thought I'd see him again. And I never thought I'd still be drawn to him so much. And now it hurts me to think he'd soon, so very very soon, would be turning away from me and walking to a different direction.

I hate myself for this weakness. For I still… still bear some feelings for him in my heart, even if they are buried so very deep that even I myself forget about them most of the time.

I see him hesitate for a moment, as if not being able to decide if he wants to already go away or still stay for a moment or so.

"How is your sister doing?" I ask, just to fill in the uncomfortable silence.

"She got married."

"Oh, congratulations!"

God, why can't I hold a decent conversation with him? Why do I have to seem to be so lame? I've always been younger and more naïve compared to him, and yet after so many years I still feel to be the same. Kyo is much more handsome than me. And a much more wonderful person than I am.

"Well…" Kyo says and I hate to see him turning slightly away from me, as if intending to finally go. Something comes over me and I act on the moment, forgetting my pride and not caring if I'd seem desperate to him.

"Would you like to go have dinner with me? I know a good place very nearby!"

He looks at me for a moment a bit surprised, but then smiles slightly and nods.

"Great!"

Ahh God damn it! I don't want to seem to be such a desperate loser to him! But surprisingly Kyo just smiles more at me. He seems not to be surprised by my outburst.

"I'll lock the car and we can go on foot. It's really very near here."

He nods yet again. So I lock the car and we start walking. I wish I did a better job this morning at trying to make myself look more presentable. Now I almost look as one of those office guys – plain and boring, and like everyone else.

For some time we walk side by side in silence. It's hard for me to stop my heart beating miles per hour. I can't really believe this. I thought I'd never see him again. I really thought so.

I try to eye him while not being too obvious about it. He doesn't seem to be suffering. He seems to be just fine. Well, except for his eyes. They are crueler than I ever saw. It must be a trace left of whatever he had to undergo while he was missing.

Though I would never imagine what it was that he had to undergo.

I know only what I've read in newspapers and from what I've heard from our mutual friends or acquaintances. But as Kyo never even gave a testimony to the police, nobody really knows what happened to him. Well, maybe just his family.

And the guy who was taking care of Kyo when he was found.

His ex-bandmate. Kaoru Niikura.

I never had anything against him. From what little I saw when I met him, I even thought of him as a nice guy. But not anymore.

I know he did the job that his parents didn't want to or couldn't, but he had what I always wanted – he had a chance to live with Kyo and to save him. He had a chance to do something for Kyo that Kyo would always remember. Thus leaving a trace in Kyo's life forever.

And what did I have?

A relationship that didn't even last long? Just another boyfriend to fill up the time?

I know I'm being unfair and wrong somewhat, as I know Kyo loved me back then and it wasn't totally meaningless. But this Kaoru guy had a much more important role in Kyo's life and I simply loaf that.

"How's your brother?" Kyo asks so unexpectedly that I jump a little.

"He's fine. Got himself a second child a few years ago. Again a girl. Still works in the same company and by now I think he will be working there for the rest of his life."

"And what about you?"

I turn to him for a moment. Does he mean if I have any children or is he asking about a job?

"Are you going to stay in this job for good?" he clarifies.

"I don't know. I hope not. It is quite boring."

"Well, at least you have a job."

I bite my tongue to stop myself from asking any questions. The bitterness in his tone says it all. A job must be a problem for him now. And obviously he doesn't have one. Perhaps all due to his health history now. But I can't help to ask one specific question.

"Aren't you going to sing anymore?"

He throws me a look as if asking was I mad or simply stupid.

"No" he says and falls silent. And I immediately regret my big mouth. Now the conversation stops again until we reach the restaurant and the silence is very awkward.

We get a table in the back of the restaurant and still keep silent while choosing what to eat. I choose what I usually have here, so I'm not surprised to be the first one to put the menu down on the table. Kyo still is analyzing his and I carefully look at him, hoping he won't see I was starring.

The restaurant is half-lit and all is partly sunk in shadows. The mood is somewhat romantic. Perhaps I should have thought of a different, more neutral place. But it's too late now anyway.

I see his brows furrowed a little in thought, but then he slowly lowers the menu and looks at me.

A strong feeling of longing washes over me. At that moment I feel drawn to him so strongly that it almost hurts. I missed him so much. I cried like some pansy over our split up so many nights. And when he went missing, I almost got crazy out of worry and fear that something fatal might have happened to him.

I tortured myself by wanting to see him when he was found but they didn't let me. Random people couldn't go and I was one of them. And when he recovered (I was following his health closely by asking my mom from time to time, as she has a cousin who is Kyo's parents' neighbor, so she always gathers some gossip), I already didn't even try contacting him.

Would he remember me? Would he even care about my stupid problems when he had to undergo through so much? Would he even give a damn that I wanted him all the best and wished he would be happy? Would he even care I still exist?

Now, sitting in front of him, I was at a loss of what to tell him. Because there was just too much. And we have drifted apart so long ago. It wasn't easy anymore. And I didn't do anything to deserve his company. I wasn't there for him after all that had happened to him back then.

I see him part his lips slightly as if he wanted to say something, but the waitress comes up to us and interrupts. I quickly order the usual set I get and Kyo gets himself a stake and coffee. Perhaps we're both driving tonight. I wish I didn't though! I would benefit from alcohol so much right now!

The waitress goes away and we're again alone. The restaurant is only half-full and we're far at the back, partly covered by folding Japanese-style screen. Kyo puts his hands on the table and leans in his chair.

"You have changed so much" he says, as if telling this more to himself than me.

"Really?"

He nods a bit and smiles.

"You're just so mature… Well, I mean, it's only logical and expected, as it has been many years since we met, but still… you're not how I remember you."

"You too."

His smile falters for a moment, but this time he doesn't seem as shaken as before.

"Am I even more handsome?" he grins at me.

"Much more handsome" I say without hesitation.

"Ha! Thanks, I guess. You're not bad yourself as well. Though… the suit really seems just not your style."

"Aw, well, there's nothing I can do about that" I smile. "I'm now one of those office guys I was so afraid to become."

"And how is it to be one of them for real?"

I shrug, thinking about it for a minute.

"Not too bad, just boring most of the time. I wish I could find a more interesting job, but you know… to quit this one for nothing would be a very drastic move when I don't know if and when I would get a new one."

"You always lacked courage!"

"Don't make me sound like a total loser!" I laugh and Kyo smiles sheepishly.

"You should do something to change this. Will you really be working in a job you don't really like for the rest of your life?"

"I hope not."

I don't even notice how we start talking and how easy all of a sudden it is. It's as if we haven't ever been separated. It's as if we always were together. One moment I look down to find plates with food in front of me and I get surprised as I never noticed the waitress bring them. I get so sucked in my little world where only me and Kyo exist that all else suddenly disappears.

And when I without thinking suggest going to my place for a few drinks, he agrees.

And for a moment I get my hopes high.

oOoOoOo

While driving after him to his flat I start having second thoughts, but I shake them off. I just want to spend some more time with him instead of being alone at home. Kaoru will be working perhaps even till early morning – the awful nights and days of recording – and I will basically be abandoned for a week or so now. So why not spend my time with Ru-chan? Especially that it really feels so great to finally see him.

At first I wasn't sure it was him, so I followed him in the mall for some time, trying to see his face without being spotted myself, but in wane. And when I followed him out and saw that he was going to get into a car and drive away, I just knew I had to make sure it wasn't him. So I called him by his name and he turned to me. And I was thrilled to see it really was my Ru-chan.

The beginning, as I had expected, was awkward, but we soon were talking like we never were separated for so long. And it felt really good.

He rents a flat and only when we finally get in, a question rises in my head.

"You live alone?"

He nods, seeming to be ashamed for some reason. We take off our shoes and coats and head to the living room.

"I have beer. Is that ok?"

"Yeah, of course."

One can of beer won't get me in trouble with police if by chance they would stop me. I hope.

He leaves the room to get the beer and I look around. The room is quite simple and modest. I walk over to the furniture modules and look at some framed pictures put on display. What I not expect is to see a picture of me and him, standing right in front and middle of all the pictures. I remember the day we took it. We went to the beach that day. The weather was great, not windy at all. We sat looking at the sea, our shoulders touching. I remember Ru-chan took the camera out of the bag and balanced it in one of his hands, hugging me with his other one, and tried to take a picture.

It turned out a great one from the first try-out. We sat our backs half turned to the sea, so in the background it was still seen. Ru-chan was hugging me with his one hand over my shoulders, my head resting on his shoulder. I looked in this picture exactly as I felt – calm, happy and completely content with everything. And Ru-chan looked so proud. Sun lit our faces and we looked so young, so carefree, as if we didn't have a single problem in our lives.

I hear him clear his throat so near me that it startles me from unexpectedness of it.

I turn to look at him feeling caught. But as I turn, I see him even more embarrassed than I am.

"I liked that day so much" he says as if trying to justify himself.

I just smile at him and go back to the table and sit down on sofa. He puts two bottles of beer on the table and I take mine.

Suddenly I feel a bit awkward. The picture put on display in such a place cannot be an accident. And by the look on his face I know he knows what I am thinking now.

"What about you, Kyo? Where do you live now?"

"In my house, of course."

He shifts in his seat uncomfortably, as if he had to swallow a bitter pill, but didn't want to do that.

"So you moved out from Niikura's place then already?"

I nod, feeling a bit surprised he would know that. As if guessing my thoughts he clarifies.

"You know, women gossip a lot and my mom's cousin is you parents' neighbor, so…"

Ahh, yeah. I knew that, I just forgot. Of course I was an interesting topic for everyone who knew me. But it's not what bothers me. Somehow, seeing the picture of me and him in his flat, put in such a respectable place, just makes it harder for me to break the news to him.

"We both moved out from his place to my house."

Ru-chan raises his eyebrows in question.

"We still live together."

I can see that this piece of news is not pleasant to him, but he tries so hard to hide his true emotions and I get a bit worried.

"You know, Kyo, I always regret only one thing most in my life. I shouldn't have let you go so easily. I shouldn't have ever let you go without a fight."

He looks me in the eyes and I know he means it. And somehow it becomes even harder for me to sit here and look at him.

I put the beer aside and sigh. Only because we're alone here, without any witnesses, and only because I know Ru-chan would never use against me anything I tell him, I brace myself to look him in the eyes and be completely sincere with him.

"It's a pity that you did, though. Because I shouldn't have left you. It was a mistake I made out of my own stupidity."

Ru-chan's eyes widen in surprise. I guess it is not even close to what he had expected to hear.

"Do you mean it, Kyo?"

I nod. Because I really do. We both were in love then and I dumped him just because I chickened out. Even now I don't really understand what was I thinking. Why did I ever let such a wonderful relationship go down the drain?

Ru-chan shifts closer to me and the next moment I feel his hand on mine. Still, his touch is somewhat careful and hesitant, as if he was afraid I would get angry on him for such proximity.

But it isn't a touch of affection, of seduction or just pure tenderness. It is a sad touch, a touch to remind ourselves of what we had, of how it felt to touch each other, to feel each other's body heat and skin. It was a touch of friendly nostalgia, but nothing else.

"Kyo… I never forgot you. I never loved anyone as much as I loved you – not before you, not after you."

"Please, Ru-chan, don't do this…"

He lowers his head for a moment and his hand stills on mine. Then he inhales deeply and raises his eyes again.

"So you're with him now?"

I nod. Then his hand disappears from mine and Ru-chan leans back a bit, to observe me from a farther distance.

We both know that it has been too much time for us to even consider reviving what we had. It is too late and we both did our best to stop loving each other. And it is not going to happen. I am with Kaoru now. My Kaoru. And Ru-chan hasn't been in my life for so many years. We were young and we were in love so long ago, and now we're not the same as we were. And perhaps even if we tried, we couldn't revive the dead love.

"I'm sorry, Ru-chan."

He shakes his head slowly and blinks. Perhaps trying to will the tears away, but I cannot be sure.

"You haven't done anything wrong, Kyo-kun. So you don't have to be sorry. I'm happy you still care enough to want to talk to me, to see me. And I'm happy to see that you're fine. I really am."

"Kaoru, I will always want to know all about you. I wish you all the best in your life. I mean it."

He smiles and the heavy feeling among us disappears.

"You left only good memories for me, Ru-chan. And there will always be a part of my heart that belongs only to you. Sometimes I remember you out of the blue and stop whatever I was doing and just wonder if you are all right, what are you up to, are you happy. I want you to know that you are an important person to me."

For a moment his expression changes and he looks astounded, but then he lunges forward, circles his hands over my neck and kisses me.

I can only sit stunned, unmoving and let myself be kissed. I come back to myself very quickly though and respond to his kiss carefully. I feel his hands over my neck get a stronger hold on me, his body suddenly presses to mine. I carefully put my hands on his waist, grip his white shirt in my fist. I desperately grip on his shirt and kiss back.

The kiss is not passionate or hot, or anything alike. The kiss is very tender, wary and a bit awkward. I cannot feel exited. I don't feel what I feel while I kiss my Kaoru. Kissing Ru-chan only makes me sad. It's nothing like it used to be – passionate, mad, desperate, hot and arousing. And it's nothing like kissing my Kaoru – affectionate, devoted, tender and loving, without any desperate need and lust in it. It is a nostalgic kiss. I wanted it to remind me of what we used to have, but it doesn't. It doesn't remind me of any of that. It just makes me sad because I realized it could never be the same anymore, and it could never be the same or better than what I have with Kaoru now.

It just feels nostalgic. I loved him and he loved me. We were young and full of hopes about our future. We had so many plans for our future. And I made it all end.

I pull back suddenly, not wanting this to continue.

Ru-chan looks bewildered and a little ashamed. But I can see the same understanding in his eyes as well. I know he also felt the same as I did. I know he also understands that you can't bring back the past. The past is what we have now and the memory of our relationship. And only the closeness and the friendship can now remain between us.

But not love.

"I'm sorry, Kyo, I shouldn't have…"

"It's ok. It's no big deal. I'm certainly not angry."

Reassured he looks at me and smiles. And the look on his face makes my heart ache.

Whatever he tells me, I can still see some love for me in his eyes. I know he would still want to try to bring back the past. And it makes me feel guilty.

I suddenly lean forward and embrace him. He circles his hands over my torso now and buries himself in my arms.

"I love him now, Ru-chan. I'm sorry. But Kaoru has done so much to me like no living being on earth. He saved me in all ways possible and I came to love him."

"I know" I hear his voice and it sounds strained to my ears. "I'm not asking you of anything, Kyo. I just… "

"I understand."

We sit like this for some time and it feels good to be close like this. I know I've been overly emotional since I met him today, I know that maybe I should stop calling him Ru-chan as he is too old being called like that, and I know I should put all sentiments aside, alcohol or no alcohol. But with Ru-chan it's impossible. He is one of a kind – a wonderful kind-hearted person. And I hate hurting him. Even unintentionally.

And after all that happened to me, when I lost almost all my friends and family, I came to value those few important people in my life that I still have. And Ru-chan is certainly one of them.

"Your Kaoru sounds to be such a nice person" he mumbles in my chest, trying very hard to sound neutral. And he almost succeeds. Almost.

"He is. He really is very kind. He's very devoted and loyal, patient and forgiving. If somebody treated me like I treated him at times, I would have kicked out that person right away. But he patiently endured all my mood swings and insults and accusations, and never even reminded me of them."

"Sounds like he's really great."

"Mhh… he is."

Ru-chan carefully entangles himself from my arms and smiles slightly. We sit close to each other, our legs still touching, my hands brushing over his arms from time to time. Gradually we start talking about other things. He tells me about his job, his holidays, what happened to him during these years. We carefully avoid the subject of his love life, because from what he told me I suspect it wasn't anything important and worth even mentioning.

I tell him some of my life with Kaoru now. Basically about Kaoru's job and our few future plans. He doesn't ask what are my plans concerning finding a job and I avoid this topic as well. I still don't know and I just can't make myself think about it yet. He gets upset at hearing about the situation with my parents, but I assure him that it's OK as it is. They will have to deal with it, because I am not going to leave Kaoru.

By the time I accidentally look at the clock it shows 1:23AM.

"I should be going already! You have to go to work tomorrow! I won't have to get up early at all, but you do!"

He looks as if he wants to disagree, but just sighs finally.

"I would love to make you stay here forever, but you're right. I have to get up early. I hate my lousy job."

"Don't worry, you'll find yourself something better. I'm sure you will."

"Thanks, Kyo" he smiles and beams at me. "It was great seeing you. You don't even know how much it means for me that you still care about me and wanted to see me."

"It means a lot to me too. I always want to have you in my life."

"For real?"

"For real."

We go to the hall and I put back on my shoes and coat.

"Do you have a visiting-card that you could give me? I don't have your phone or e-mail."

"Yes, of course!"

He practically runs back to the living-room and comes back carrying a little card in his hands. Then he turns it over and writes down a phone number on the other blank side.

"There's my job's address and phone number, and here I wrote down for you my cell number."

"Thanks."

When I finally open the doors to leave and stand half way out of the flat, I turn to look at him yet again and can't help but smile. It was such a coincidence that I saw him. But it was great. Now Ru-chan is back in my life and it feels wonderful to know he's fine.

"It was great seeing you" I say, wanting to make sure he really knew that. "I will send you my e-mail and cell number tomorrow. I hope we will meet again for a drink some time soon."

"Definitely" he nods, looking so happy that for a split second I think if it really was a good idea.

But then I shake the feeling off. Ru-chan knows I love Kaoru. It's been too long to even try reviving old dead feelings. But it will be great to have him back in my life. Because he is dear to me. For some reason such a wonderful person thinks high of me and still loves me as a friend. And I am happy and thankful for that. Friends can be tested with time, and after so many years I know who the real ones are.

"Goodnight, Kaoru."

"Goodnight, Kyo. Drive safely."

The whole way home I think about him. I went out to do the shopping, but it was forgotten the moment I thought I saw him. He moved and as I didn't have any of his contacts, I either had to try looking for him through our mutual acquaintances with whom I didn't keep in contact anymore or just forget this idea altogether. So it almost felt as if it was fate that brought us back together.

Seeing him made me breathe easier. It was like a thing you have to do to feel you've got no debts in your life anymore and can die peacefully. He is doing fine and I am happy for that.

My attention gradually gets back on the road and I focus on the streets and people. There aren't that many of them as it is so late now.

When I reach home, I feel already sleepy. But -

Right at the gate of the fence of my house stands a man and watches a few cars passing by my house. A man hiding his face under a cap. A man standing near my house in the middle of the night.

I step on the brake pedal and my car stops to a halt. Thankfully there is no car behind me as it would have hit the back of my one for sure. The seatbelt stops me from hitting the front window and when I lean back again, my hands gripping the wheel so tightly that my knuckles turn white, I see the man turn slowly to my direction and stare at me.

Though in the shadows of the night I cannot see his face, I know he is looking at me. His whole frame stiffens as if from anticipation. From excitement.

The only thing I can think of is if it is him or not.

Is it him or not?

IS IT?

My hands almost spasm as I grip the wheel so fucking tight I would brake it if I had enough strength.

What do I do? What the fuck do I do?

Is it him or not? If it's him, how did he find me? If it's him, what do I do? If it's him…

I should get out of the car and beat him up so bad he'd never get up.

But… if he'd managed to hold me captive and powerless for so many months… how the fuck should I know I can keep him away from me now? What if he has a knife? A gun even? A syringe of some of his damned drugs? Or whatever else he could use against me.

And I just… I am just scared shitless of him… He is the only fucking thing in the world I want to forget, want to pretend never happened in my life, want to pretend doesn't exist.

"Calm down, just… calm down."

I take a deep breath and try to make my hands stop trembling.

"You don't know if it's him. Maybe it's just some guy waiting for something or somebody. Some thief, or joy rider, or whoever else. I am just being paranoid. And it is not the first time."

I inhale again and start the engine.

I don't like the fact that the man is still starring at me, or that I can't see his face at all. He looks awfully familiar – his height, the way he stands shifting all his weight on his right leg, his long legs and well-built frame. But I cannot be sure. And perhaps I just want to see him in every stranger I meet.

"No need to panic" I repeat to myself and start driving.

When I turn to my yard, his face never gets lightened by the street lamp and I just don't get to see his face. Then I just turn away from him. I quickly stop the car and get out, lock it and practically run to the doors.

"Where are the fucking keys?"

Shit shit shit!

I finally fish them in my pocket and unlock the door, get inside and slam the door shut, then lock it immediately and lean on the door for a moment.

"Fucking coward."

That's what I am.

A fucking coward.

But I don't care. I can be the most cowardly man in the world as long as I don't see that psycho ever again. If I would be forced to go back there… I would bite my tongue off and bleed to death, or take out the light bulb from the ceiling of my prison, smash it on the floor and eat the glass. Or do whatever else I could think of to escape the torture that I couldn't cope with the first time.

He got off by watching me writhe and convulse from impossible pain on the floor from something he injected me. Over and over again. It was one of his favorite ways to get off. One of the ways I was sure to endure at least twice a week. No wonder my mind just snapped finally…

"God… I wish I would never remember any of that again…"

Before my thoughts go further, I force myself to kick off my shoes and go to the living room. My house sunken in the shadows doesn't look cozy and safe.

"Shit!"

I run to the window in the living-room – I left it fucking open!

I shut the window and look to the street. I can see the man's head hovering over my fence. But I can't understand if he is looking at me, or if he is just standing there like before, looking at the street.

"Shit!"

I check all the windows here, then run to the kitchen, to the hall. I check all the possible ways to get in the house on the first floor. Then practically run up the stairs and do the same on the second floor. I don't care if I will seem to be paranoid. At least I will be safe.

When all is done, I sit on my and Kaoru's bed and put my head in my hands. It is surprisingly silent. And dark. I haven't switched on any lights. It is not pitch dark as the lights from the street illuminate the bedroom in a kind of ghostly light.

"Shit, this is so stupid…"

I know it is. I know I just freaked out for nothing. I know I should have just come up to the man and made sure that it's not him and then slept peacefully. Not get in the house like a fucking sissy and lock all the doors and windows.

I sight and stand up. All that is left is just to draw the curtains and get in bed. And try to sleep.

A strange sound makes me stop. The creak of the gate. Of the gate in front of my house.

I freeze to the spot and tense up, listening.

No other sound.

But I am sure I heard the gate creak.

I grab my cell and run to the bathroom, turn on the light and lock the door from the inside.

I sink to the floor, my back leaning on the wall, my eyes on the knob of the doors, my cell in a tight grip in my hands.

If I called police, what would I tell them? Nobody is breaking in. They wouldn't come.

Can I call Kaoru?

He'd only freak out and there's a high chance there is no real threat. There's a high chance it's only me freaking out totally for nothing.

"Shit…"

Maybe Kaoru will come back soon? Recordings usually last to the middle of the night or until an early morning. And then he'd be back and we both could go to sleep.

I hate myself for being so fucking weak, but… there is nothing else I am so afraid of in my life as that man. I am only more scared to loose Kaoru. Or maybe equally scared of that man and of loosing Kaoru.

And I hate myself for this weakness, I hate myself so much…

But I am not going out of here unless I am completely sure I am just being paranoid and he is not here.

"He is not here – not here – not here -"

**TBC**

This time I'm definitely happy the way the chapter turned out to be :) Finally I myself like what was written _ lol I loved writing about Ru-chan ^^ It was something I was looking forward to when I was still writing Blurry Days :P And finally the time and place was perfect for this episode to occur ^^

Comments are very much appreciated! :)))


	4. Chapter 4

**the 27th of April 2010**

oOoOoOo

"Kyo, please, calm down. They wouldn't be inviting us to come from Tokyo for the weekend for some bad reason. Maybe they finally decided to accept our relationship."

Somehow I hardly believe this.

I'm almost sure Kaoru's parents invited us to only tell me how much they hate me and how much they want me to leave their son alone.

Now I can fully understand how Kaoru must feel whenever my parents come over or we meet them in some other way. It must be a torture. I don't want to go so much, but Kaoru says maybe it's not going to be that bad as I think. And if we want them to accept our relationship, we must help them.

God, I know Kaoru is right, but I just don't want to go. I have a dreadful feeling that it's not going to be as easy as Kao thinks. But they are his parents and so far they mostly had it easy on us, so I must do all I can to help them accept us. And help Kaoru not to lose his parents over me. He sacrificed too much for me as it is.

"And it will do you good to get away from Tokyo. You've become too jumpy and nervous."

Ha! How nicely he put it!

To be more precise, I have become paranoid and scared of any little suspicious person or thing that gets too close to me. And all because wherever I turn, I see that degenerate shit-faced fucktard scum of a man who kidnapped me.

Kaoru gets on my nerves by trying to make me go to the police and testify, but I am never going to do this! I am not going to go and tell random men of what that fucker did to me so that after a few days I would read it in the papers or internet! I don't want anyone else in the world to know it. I don't want to even remember it. I want to pretend it never happened!

Though the way my life has become now, I think it's impossible to pretend I forgot any of that.

Now I can't get rid of fear of him coming back and it ruins my life. But I just can't see any way out of this. Police is a helpless bunch of losers! They didn't manage to find me then, then how on earth they would find him now?

So it's never going to happen. I am not going to testify. Police is never going to find him. And I just have to try to forget that and finally live peacefully.

Now the immediate problem is Kaoru's parents.

"But how can you know, Kaoru, that it's not going to be brutal when we come there? Look at how horrible my parents are to you! I don't think it's going to be any different with yours!"

I cross my arms on the chest and stare at the view before me. The changing scenery helps me to focus my attention to something else but not Kaoru. I cannot look him in the eyes right now.

"First of all, they are not your parents, Kyo."

True. Mine are worse. Much worse.

"Second, I know them so much better than you, so I think I can predict their behavior here a bit. And I think they thought it through for some time, which now has been many months since we moved in together, and they finally made up their minds."

Yeah. They decided that they want me gone from their son's life for good.

"And third, I am their only child and I must admit they love me dearly. If they haven't made any ultimatums before, I highly doubt they will start doing that now. So I think you should try to relax and think positively here. We've been to visit them already and they were kind to you Kyo, so I don't think that much will be different now."

"But after you moved in with me, they stopped being nice to me. And you know perfectly well that it is true."

And because Kaoru doesn't say anything to defend his parents, I know I am at least slightly right. And it bothers me a lot.

"I'm sorry you have to go through this unpleasant experience, Kyo" Kaoru sighs, his shoulders slumping a bit. "But we must try. If we will be lucky, we will get their support and it would be great to have at least my parent's on our side, wouldn't it?"

It would. But I think Kaoru will have to get disappointed very soon.

We drive for some time in silence, I guess both of us having something to think about.

I wish I was anywhere else but here – on a way to Kaoru's parents' house. I will not be able to uphold their accusing and hateful looks. I will not be able to stand in front of them and firmly defend my and Kaoru's relationship. Simply because they are an older generation and they would just not understand. And they won't understand how much important Kaoru is to me.

How would I even be able to tell them that without Kaoru I'd soon be back in a madhouse? What words should I use to tell them that Kaoru is now my whole fucking life?

Maybe that would be exactly what they wouldn't want to hear…

"Kyo" I hear Kaoru say very gently, but I still flinch from unexpectedness. "Please, don't be so negative. You look as if I am taking you to be hanged. Please, Kyo, try to cheer up. I promise you, it's not going to be even close to as bad as you think it will. And if by chance my folk would try to even say something against our relationship – we will get back to the car and go back home."

"That's exactly what I don't want to happen, Kaoru! Why the fuck you don't understand that? I don't want you to have to choose me or your parents! Because it sucks! It sucks a lot!"

I see Kaoru grip the wheel so tightly that his veins on his hands pot out. His face hardens and gets angry. I barely ever see him get this angry.

"Is it how you really feel, Kyo? Do you really feel so bad for losing your parents over me?"

His voice is cold and hard and I hear so much disappointment and anger in it. It scares me a little.

"Yes, I do, Kaoru."

His lips twist into a grimace the moment I tell him that and he looks as if I slapped him in the face.

"But Kaoru, I would still do the same if I would have another chance to choose. I mean it."

"But Kyo, is it worth it? Is it worth it if it only brings pain to you?"

"Don't be stupid, Kaoru" I almost bark back at him. I really don't want to be talking about this right now. I turn to look through the side-window, trying not to see his face. "It would hurt ten times worse if I lost you."

I can't see his face, but he keeps silent and I sigh in relief if only for a moment.

What's here to talk about? My parents hate my relationship with Kaoru and they want us to split up. But it won't ever happen. I would be helpless without him. I just can't see my life now without Kaoru in it. And it was a decision I made quite a long time ago now and I am not going to re-think it. It was final and it's what I want.

I want Kaoru.

And it doesn't matter if our relationship is weird. I know he loves me like a lover. And I know he knows that I have slightly different feelings for him, but he is fine with that. And I know he is so tired of me never wanting to make love, but him not forcing me into anything or even saying anything about that shows how loyal and how loving and how wonderful he is to me.

And a thought that maybe we should be apart is not only ridiculous, but also totally pointless to me.

As long as it is up to me to decide – we will be together. As lovers or as some incredibly close friends, like blood-brothers – but always, always together.

I just don't understand why the rest of the world is against that.

"Fuck them all, Kaoru. Just… just fuck them!"

Kaoru chuckles and I can't help but smile slightly.

"Let us be egoists and care only about ourselves at least for this one matter. Let's do how we fucking want! And we want to be together, don't we?"

"Definitely."

"So let's just be together and let the rest of the world go to hell!"

"Whatever you say, Kyo. Whatever you say."

I just nod and glance at him. Kaoru is smiling and it warms my heart. God, how much I love him. How badly I need him.

I wish I could tell him that again. But I hope one time is enough for him. I am not that kind of person who gives away 'I love you's' to everyone. But he knows. I hope he really knows.

I just wish I would desire his body as much as I desire his presence near me. I simply don't care about sex now. For all I care it could not exist and I would be happy.

It's pathetic, isn't it?

Kaoru needs to work hard to get me excited. I could simply blow him, but Kaoru says he'd feel as if he was using me if we only did it that way. And in a way he is right. So I'd be blowing him all the time while being all limp and soft down there? Wouldn't it really seem like using me? So I'm not really trying to force that idea on him either, because I know he'd feel bad.

So what's there left for us?

A consultation and maybe treatment with a specialist?

…

I just don't think I'd be ready for that. I mean… to discuss that kind of things with a stranger about how I and Kaoru do it and about how I can't get it up because I was a rape victim?

I just really don't want to do it.

But I know if the situation will not start to change soon I'll have to. Not for myself. For Kaoru.

"Kao?"

"Hmm?"

"No, nothing…"

It's really not the place and time to start this discussion yet again.

Maybe it will all get better soon. I hope it really will.

"We'll be there soon."

"Oh…"

Shit, I got nervous again. But I have to do this. I have to be a man and do this.

So be that as it may.

We reach the little town and the shabby-looking house too soon for my liking. The first time I saw it I was really surprised. Somehow I thought that Kaoru's parents were living better, but it appeared that they were not doing so well when Kaoru was a child. And actually they were not that much better off when Kao was a teen. My family compared to his would have been considered perhaps even rich. I could see how Kaoru was embarrassed to tell me all that and that time I left him in peace and didn't question much. But he let me understand that they were always quite poor and the band was like a miracle to him, rescuing him not only from the poverty, but also from the prospect of a very simple average life.

What a joke, really. Now both of us are broke and we got back almost to where Kaoru had started.

As a sign of Kaoru's love to his parents I saw much new and expensive equipment in the house. Kaoru helped them to renew the house, but now he doesn't help them anymore. He doesn't have the financial ability to do that.

Kaoru parks his red car which looks so out of place by this shabby little house. We step out and I look at the house, but Kaoru's parents don't come out to meet us as they did when we came to spend Christmas and New Year.

"Ready?" I hear Kaoru ask and I nod, though an unpleasant feeling rises in my stomach. But I inhale and nod again.

We reach the house and Kaoru opens the door for me. He never knocks when he comes here. We step over the threshold and Kao closes the door.

"Mom! Dad! We're here!"

I throw my bag on the floor and manage to take off my shoes before Kaoru's parents come to meet us.

"Hi, dear" Kaoru's mother hugs him and pecks him on the cheek. His father, being a bit more distant and colder, just nods at his son's direction, but a smile can be seen on his face.

"Good evening" I greet them bowing and they both turn to look at me, nodding slightly at my direction.

"Come in, you must be tired from the ride. The dinner is almost ready, so we can immediately go to the living-room and eat. You'll take the bags to the rooms later."

Rooms? Well, I guess I should have expected something like that.

Kaoru's mother shows us the way, even if both of us know it just fine. We sit at the table with his father and she goes away to the kitchen to bring the food I guess. We are left sitting at the table, both of us facing Kaoru's farther.

He is old and looks very austere. Kaoru got most of his looks from his father. They are very much alike.

"How is your work, Kaoru?" his farther asks.

"It's ok. But I'm thinking of finding a second one, because I still have lots of free time and the pay is not really sufficient for both of us."

"So you want to say that he" his farther nods at my direction "still doesn't have a job and you work to support both of you?"

"Well yes…" Kaoru thinks for a moment what to say. I know I should explain myself, but I have actually never really thought about it yet. There was enough food on the table every day and the bills were paid. It was enough. At least for me. But they don't know that.

"I have finished only school and know only how to sing and a little bit of how to compose songs. There is really a very narrow choice of what I could work" I try to say hoping that it wouldn't sound as if I was using Kaoru for money. Though in a way I guess I did.

"So you started looking for a job then?"

"No" I utter. I already feel like a total waste of space and we haven't spent here even five minutes.

"So how can you say then that you can't find a job? You can go work as a cashier or a cleaner! Jobs like that don't require a university diploma and you'd have more money! Kaoru wouldn't be the only one baring the burden of bringing money home!"

This is already going down the drain. How could Kaoru have ever though they were going to be nice to me?

But I guess in their eyes I was a parasite using their son for years and years and years… And in a way they were right…

"I don't handle crowds very well when I'm alone…" I mutter, trying to give them something truthful so that maybe they could understand at least slightly why things are as they are.

"Dad, we've talked about this with Kyo and we will find a solution to this problem ourselves. It just takes more time than predicted."

I can't see Kaoru's face, but I hear desperation in his voice and understand that he also thinks it started not so well from the very beginning.

His mother comes in bringing food and we all fall silent. An unpleasant atmosphere remains while we put the food in our plates and Kaoru discusses the weather in Tokyo and the ride with his mother.

I wish they would already tell us what the meaning of this entire trip is. I hate being left in dark like that. But the dinner ends without any significant events. Kaoru's mother takes the plates and leftovers away and we remain by the table with a bottle of sake and silence in the room. It's already getting dark and I get nervous of thinking I'll have to spend the night here after all. I kind of thought we'd come, have a conversation and the bags won't even be needed as we'd immediately go back home. But no such luck this time.

Suddenly my thoughts are interrupted with Kaoru clearing his throat and I just know that he's going to finally address the topic of the purpose of this little trip as his parents still keep silent.

"So I was wondering why all of a sudden you invited us to visit you" Kaoru says, looking at his parents. I keep my gaze firm on the glass of sake in my hand, not wanting to even see their faces while they'll finally address the topic of my and Kaoru's relationship.

"Me and your mother wanted to talk to both of you about your current situation" Kaoru's father starts.

"That much we already figured out."

"Very well. Then I guess you have already thought of what you'd answer us in advance."

"But we don't know your question, father."

Kaoru's father inhales sharply and after a few more seconds starts speaking.

"It's been quite a number of months now. Nishimura-san has been released and announced to be a sane and independent person. But you sold your flat, Kaoru, and moved in to still live with him in his house. You said you were put in papers as one of the owners of the house and that's something we don't really care about. We are not really happy that you just sold your flat, but in a worst case scenario you're always welcome to come back home and live with us in this house. You won't ever stay homeless, so let's leave this matter in peace.

What we are concerned about is the nature of your relationship with Nishimura-san."

I guess Kaoru wanted to say something as his mother suddenly spoke up.

"Let your father first finish, Kaoru."

"So, as I was saying – a nature of your relationship with Nishimura-san. We are not so senile not to know what kind of relationship two men might have. But first of all we want to know if it's really what we think it is."

"And what do you think it is?" Kaoru asks, his voice sounding a bit tense and slightly irritated.

"We think it is an unnatural relationship between two men, who not only share their home, food, free time, but also one bed."

"We are lovers, dad, if that's what you're asking."

Silence settles in the room again and I grip the glass in my hand tighter, starring at it all the time stubbornly. Kaoru is immensely straightforward tonight.

"Why? Can you explain us why so that we would understand, Kaoru?"

"Because I love him."

More silence. Maybe Kaoru was too blunt with them. But then, on the other hand, how else could you say that directly and truthfully?

"And what about you, Nishimura-san?"

"My reasons are the same" I manage to utter, feeling my mouth so dry that I barely could say anything at all.

"From the look on your face I'd say that it's not the truth, Nishimura-san" Kaoru's father says sternly. I slowly lift my head and look him in the eyes. He studies my expression and I can barely hold my ground.

"Do you really love our son? Or are you just trying to keep him close to yourself because you still can't adapt to the society and need a helping hand? Because you just find it convenient and simply don't want to be alone? Or for whatever other reason there might be?"

I just can't force myself to say anything in return. What's the point? The situation is slowly getting to the same direction as with my parents. And so far it was completely pointless talking to them. And I can't just scream at Kaoru's parents as I do with mine and throw them out.

"I don't think I can explain this to you so that you'd fully understand" I say, trying to remain calm and look them in the eyes. "But I am not using Kaoru for any reasons and then going to discard him when I won't need him anymore."

Kaoru puts his hand on the table next to mine, entwines our fingers and squeezes them reassuringly.

"This is not a good enough explanation, Nishimura-san" Kaoru's mother says, eyeing me and our intertwined fingers a little curiously, but sternly. "Why is it that you think we wouldn't understand?"

I keep silent. I know this is not what I should be doing now, but I just can't force myself to start talking. Should I be telling them all the things I only told Kaoru? This is very personal. These feelings are only for me and Kaoru to know. I don't want anybody else in the world to hear them.

"Nishimura-san" Kaoru's mother speaks again, tired of waiting. "Please try to understand us as well. What we see now is our son, jobless for three years after your disappearance and now for about 5 years having this one job that takes up only some of his time and doesn't pay well. And he has to support with this money not only himself, but also you now.

He's 36 years old already and his carrier has stopped in 2003, when you went missing. Kaoru has thrown his life away for you. He took you in with himself, sacrificed his entire time for you for many years. And now, after you finally recovered and can lead your own life, Kaoru is still with you. He still has nothing, achieved nothing, put his life on hold for you.

He's wearing himself down to support both of you and you just simply say that we wouldn't understand? How can we not be worried and suspicious? How can I not think of my only son slowly going to the direction that me and his father found ourselves into? With a little place of our own, but no money for even a little trip to Tokyo. I want him to have a better life than this. Than what me and his father had when we were young.

We were so happy for him when his band got famous, when he bought himself a flat, started earning money, had a job he loved and could afford himself anything he wanted.

And now it all is gone. And it all is only your fault. Not directly, of course. But all of that happened because of you. Kaoru lost the band because of you. And then it all started to be because of you. Kaoru stopped thinking about his future, his life, his dreams. It started to be only your needs, your health, your happiness important, not his.

If Kaoru doesn't care about his happiness himself, isn't it my duty to make sure he remembers that? That he takes care of himself and has a happy life? And that nobody takes advantage of him and uses him?"

Kaoru's grip on my hand becomes almost painful. I tear my hand out of his and stand up.

Without thinking I simply leave the living-room and after a few moments find myself standing outside the house barefoot. Darkness enfolds me and the chirr of cicada overlies my ears. I can see only Kaoru's car parked in front of the house and darkness all around it.

I have trouble breathing and it takes a few moments for me to calm down somewhat and inhale, though the first few breaths painfully tear my throat.

I feel the tears well up in my eyes, but I try to force them down. But they choke me and make it hard for me to breathe.

I never realized I ruined Kaoru's life.

I knew he sacrificed a lot for me, but I never looked at this from somebody else's perspective, only mine. I never thought of it like this.

But Kaoru really sacrificed so many years of his life for me. He sacrificed his career for me, his future prospects. He buried his dreams for me. And I can't even reward him with closeness. I think only of myself so much that I never even considered how hard it is for him and how much he gave up for my sake.

So why would his parents like me? Why would they like a man who robbed their son of everything and made him his own personal servant in every aspect of life?

Somewhere in distance I hear a door open and then close. I still feel as if I was in a kind of trance, but I slowly turn expecting nobody else but Kaoru to come after me.

But through my blurred vision I can only see his farther on the threshold, looking at me with a hard expression on his face.

"I'm sorry" I whisper, not knowing what else I could say. I wish earth would open up and swallow me right now. I was a total loser. A complete miserable fuck using Kaoru for my own fucking convenience. And even if I loved Kaoru, it was not an excuse good enough. I had to be stronger than I was now. I had to finally be able to stand for myself, to stop pitying myself, to stop hating the entire world and just be happy that someone like Kaoru was willing to put up with me for the rest of his life.

"Nishimura-san" Kaoru's father speaks, not showing any signs of backing off.

"Please" I whisper, cutting him off. I can barely see his face as tears cloud my vision, now all hope to force them down gone. "Please forgive me."

I bow as low as I can, keeping my eyes down on the ground.

"I don't know what I ever did to deserve his loyalty, his complete devotion, his love. I tried to repay him as much as I could, but I know a car or a house will never be even close to what he sacrificed for me.

I'm sorry I never really even tried to push him away from me, because I need him by my side badly. I can't imagine my life without Kaoru in it now and I know it is selfish. I know I selfishly keep him close to me.

I know I should have never believed he only needed me to be happy and he'd be happy as well. I won't ever understand what is it that he loves in me so much. But I just can't let him go. I can't make myself do this.

I came to need him badly in my life as nobody else. I simply can't even imagine my life any other way now. Kaoru has become the only person in my life really important to me. Even more important than my parents who don't want to talk to me only because I am with Kaoru.

Kaoru saved me. He always thought only about me, my needs, my feelings, my wellbeing. And I still am too weak-willed to be as strong as he is. To be strong for both of us.

I'm just…"

Tears slowly find their way from my eyes down to my cheeks and then silently fall on the ground. I hate myself for showing to be this weak in front of Kaoru's father, but I just can't help it anymore. I feel horrible.

"The only excuse I have is that I love Kaoru and I don't want to let him go. And it is selfish and I am a man of no character, but I just… I just don't need anything and anyone else in my life except Kaoru."

I gulp loudly to my ears and finally straighten up to look Kaoru's father in the face.

"I'm so sorry for everything" I manage to utter, finally feeling completely beaten and defeated.

I slip quickly in the hall and put on my shoes, grab car keys from Kaoru's bag still lying next to mine in the hall and then head outside. I think I heard Kaoru and his mother's voices in the living-room, but I didn't understand a word.

I step out again, brushing the tears out of my eyes with a sleeve. Kaoru's father is still standing, unmoving and stiff, looking at my direction.

"Please, tell him I'm so sorry" I bow one last time to him and practically run to the car.

I just have to get out. I know this again is a cowardly thing to do, but I just can't face his parents right now. And I can't face him as well.

I feel so guilty and so dirty. I never even thought I was so unfair to Kaoru, used him so much for my own sake and still did. I thought Kaoru was happy.

Only when I finally am reaching the edge of Tokyo a thought that my driver's license is in my bag back at Kaoru's parent's house crosses my mind. And when my mind finally starts working properly and more clearly again I suddenly realize that I don't have a key to the house either. Kaoru locked it.

I look around the car half-heartedly in search of a key. It's nowhere in sight.

I guess I'll have to sleep in a car tonight. The trains are still going as it still isn't even midnight and there are night busses going to Tokyo, but I don't think Kaoru will come running after me just because I was feeling stupid and hectic and just ran away like a fucking coward.

Now, after I calmed down a bit, I get so ashamed of my actions.

What the hell will Kaoru's parents think of me now?

That I'm of an unstable mind? Wayward? Moody? Demanding attention? Selfish?

That I am nothing but trouble that Kaoru doesn't need.

"Kaoru…"

And still, after all of that, I want him in my life. I don't want him to go. And I guess he won't… But I don't even want to start guessing what will his parents now think of me.

I shouldn't have acted on pure emotion and ran off like that. It's just that…

All that his mother told me was so true… And I felt so horrible and so guilty in front of his parents that I just couldn't bare their presence anymore.

I must get a hold on myself.

I must stop being paranoid and seeing that fucked up bastard everywhere I turn. I shouldn't have stopped taking anxiety pills to stable my emotions at bay just because I hate drugs and doctors. They know better than me what is good for me.

And I must start looking for a job.

I want to do something to make Kaoru proud and not regret his decision to live with me. I want to give him something in return. And perhaps there is something he might love more than a car or a house.

He mentioned that already a few times, but then I told him to just forget it.

But now I think it's the only right thing to do. And I will be able to handle my fears with time. I won't know if I won't try.

And I know I would like it myself – to be writing lyrics and singing again, being in a dark stage, with Kaoru right beside me making his guitar give off sweet and rough melodies.

It would be perfect.

But it sounds too much like a dream.

Who would sign us? Who would come to see us on stage? Just those wanting to see ex-vocalist of Dir en grey who was mad for years and years, with a very little number of those truly wanting to hear us. How would I cope with people starring at me, adoring me, wanting to touch me? Would we even be successful? Would we sell enough to earn a living? Would Kaoru be able to match his job as a composer for Yoshiki's band and a job of my manager and a guitarist?

Too many uncertainties and issues and doubts.

But I know Kaoru wants that. It was his idea after all. An idea that I refused right away these couple of times he suggested.

Lost in thought, I am surprised to see I have to already drive in the yard of our house and turn the engine off.

Silence of the night engulfs me and I sigh.

Our house looks comfortless without Kaoru in it and I have no wish to go in.

Kaoru is not here.

I step out of the car and close the gate. Then stop for a moment at a loss of what to do.

I wish I didn't act like mental and ran off like that. I wish I was with Kaoru now instead of being here.

But what's done is done. I can't possibly go back now. I'll have to wait for Kaoru coming back in the morning. I know he will.

My mobile and other things are in my bag at Kaoru's parent's house. All I have is car keys and a little blanket on the backseat of the car. That will have to do for now.

Finally I make myself to move to go back to the car, but suddenly I hear the gate creak as somebody opens them and steps in.

For a moment I am so surprised I just listen to light steps nearing me from my back. Did Kaoru somehow managed to come here as quickly as I did?

I turn around to greet him but in the darkness of the night I can only see a strange silhouette of a man approaching me quickly. Street lamps light him from the back and I can't really see his face, but a dreadful feeling freezes me to the spot.

His posture, his body, the way he walks and swings slightly from side to side as he does that, the same outfit, the same menacing aura -

All I manage to do is take a tiny step back before my body numbs in fear, before I finally see his face as he is just inches away from me, before he grabs my hands and gags my mouth with his other one, and before he starts dragging me to the backyard of my house, and before I feel a gun in his front pocket pressing to my back.

**TBC **

Yay, a cliffhanger! XD This time a real one XD *smirks evilly*

Comments are welcome! ^^


	5. Chapter 5

**CHAPTER 5 **

"Hey, Totchi! Toshiya!"

"What?" Toshiya's angry face popped out in the doorway, glaring at Die sprawled on the bed.

"Come on, don't say you really got angry over that!"

"I did!"

"Totchi, please, there's no need to! I didn't have another choice!"

"You could have told him to piss off! Not say 'yes yes, of course we will change it the way you like it'! It's a fucking cowardly thing to do, Daisuke!"

Toshiya turned off the light in the bathroom and now fully stepped in the bedroom, drying his hair with a towel.

"Yes, and then stick that song to a place where sun doesn't shine! You know perfectly well what could have happened if I told him we'd still do our way! I had no other choice!"

"Kaoru always found a way to get them to let release the songs the way we wanted" Toshiya grunted, starring at Die from above.

"When we were insanely famous and were becoming even idols" Die replied dryly. "Our current band is in no position to raise demands if we want to release more albums."

Toshiya threw the towel on a chair and turned his back to Die. Die spoke the bitter truth. And yet Toshiya was still angry.

"You could at least have tried" he muttered, bitterness seeping in each of his word. "Our band isn't _that_ bad."

Die sighted and turned to lie on his back, starring at the ceiling.

"I didn't want to argue with him. He was in a shitty mood and I just knew I wouldn't get my way even if I had brilliant ideas. What I thought is to change something very minor and then try again and talk him into giving us more freedom with this new album."

"The biggest problem is that you sometimes are spineless, Die."

Die turned to look at Toshiya and found his lover starring back at him.

"Don't look at me like that, Die. You know it's true."

"Well, sorry if the label is giving us a hard time. I just have troubles understanding how suddenly it has become completely my fault!"

"You are the one talking to them for the whole band! And the more time passes, the shittier of a job you do!"

Die sat in bed now glaring at Toshiya angrily.

"You can do it instead of me, I have no objections to that! I'd love to see you persuading them to give us more freedom!"

"Fine! I'll do it! And I bet our band mates will not object to that!"

"Fine with me!"

Die lied down and turned his back to Toshiya. He heard Toshiya still going around in the bedroom, dressing for the night. Then he turned off the light and lied down next to Die. There was still some space between their bodies. Toshiya made himself comfortable, but he didn't even close his eyes. He was still angry.

They both turned their backs to each other, but Die could still feel how Toshiya was breathing tensely. He closed his eyes and tried to relax and get asleep. But Toshiya's words were still resounding in his head and he just couldn't throw them out.

He was angry on that prick from the label. But now he was even angrier on Toshiya.

Both of them fell asleep without saying a word to each other.

oOoOoOo

"Hurry up!" Die screamed angrily standing in the doorway. "We'll be late because of you!"

Toshiya appeared in the hall throwing daggers at Die and looking very displeased and ready for a fight.

"I'm coming! Can't you see? And if we're going to be late once because of me, it will never top the times of us being late because of you!"

Toshiya stepped out in a hall and headed outside, not waiting for Die to lock the door. Die caught up with him only outside. He unlocked the car and Toshiya headed for the driver's side.

"I'm driving today" he said glaring at Die and looking as if he was daring Die to talk back and argue with him. But Die just threw the keys to Toshiya and sat in passenger's seat. Toshiya started the car and they drove off.

The atmosphere in the car was tense. Both of them were still angry with each other from yesterday and neither of them was inclined to yield their point.

"We have a photoshoot in the afternoon and an interview for GIGS, remember?" Toshiya asked, not sparring a glance at Die.

"Of course I do" Die said, crossing his hands on his chest and starring out the window. "I don't have amnesia. I'm only spineless."

"Glad we agree at least on that" Toshiya shot back.

"You know what, Totchi, _dearest_" Die said and turned to look at Toshiya. Toshiya half turned to look at Die, cocking one of his eyebrows, as if challenging Die for a fight. "Fuck you."

Toshiya sneered back and turned to look back at the road.

The rest of the drive to the studio was silent and full of tension in the air. As soon as Toshiya parked the car, Die climbed out and headed straight inside, not waiting up. He got in the main room and angrily threw his bag on a sofa.

"So you've already heard the news?"

Die jumped in surprise. He didn't see the drummer of their band right beside him.

"What news? What are you talking about?"

The drummer opened his mouth for a silent 'ow' and fidgeted a little. During those moments Toshiya caught up with Die and entered the room, looking angry and irritated as never before.

"Morning" he muttered to their drummer. But then noticed the strange expression on his face and stopped for a moment, first looking at the drummer, then at Die. "What's up?"

"I thought you would be one of the first ones to know" their drummer uttered, clearly not wanting to be the barer of the news.

"Know what?" Die barked, clearly still immensely annoyed. "Just say it! Don't beat around the bush like some chick with gossip!"

"It's about your ex-band members" the drummer said, now feeling a bit irritated himself about Die's attitude. "Haven't you heard what happened yesterday?"

"No" Toshiya said, getting worried all of a sudden. "What is it?"

"Your friends Kyo and Kaoru were attacked yesterday night. Both of them seem to be ok, but Kaoru killed the attacker. It is rumored in the paper that he is even still in police custody since yesterday night."

Die and Toshiya could only stare at their drummer for some seconds, totally stunned by the news.

"What the fuck…" Die uttered.

"Who attacked them? Where? Why?" Toshiya also seemed to still be too surprised by these news.

"Here" the drummer took the newspaper from the table and showed it to his band mates. "It is said that they were attacked in Kyo's house by the same man who kidnapped Kyo back then."

Toshiya took the paper in his hand, but could just read the headline and look at the picture of Kyo and Kaoru. He was too shocked to actually read the article.

"Kaoru killed the guy?" he heard Die ask and looked up at the drummer again.

"The paper says so."

Toshiya lowered the newspaper and looked at Die. He could see Die was shocked and as much confused as he was.

"We need to call…" Die said but stopped for a moment and started pacing back and forth in the room. "Who the fuck should we call? What should we do?"

"Is Kyo all right?" Toshiya asked and the drummer shrugged his shoulders.

"It is said he is in a hospital, suffering from shock."

"I'll call his sister" Die decided and dialed. Nobody seemed to be against this idea. Toshiya and the drummer waited looking at Die with his cell pressed to his ear. Nobody picked up for so long that it seemed that the call will be unanswered. But finally Die heard Kyo's sister's voice on the other end.

"Hey! It's Andou Daisuke! Umm… Hi!"

Toshiya came closer to Die in hopes of hearing the voice on the other end of the phone.

"Yes, we've just heard what happened. I mean me and Toshiya. How is Kyo? - You know what, just tell which hospital he is in and we'll be there soon. - Yes, I know where it is. Ok. See you soon. Bye!"

Die hung up and looked at Toshiya.

"Let's go there. I know it's not really OK to ignore our work schedule, but…"

"Just go, we will manage without you today" the drummer urged them. "We'll rearrange today's meetings for later. Considering that these news are all over the newspapers, nobody will really question why the two of you are gone."

"Thanks" Toshiya said and turned to look at Die. "Let's go."

Die nodded, grabbed his bag and both of them left the room in a hurry. The drummer sat down with a flop and sighted.

"Fuck…" was all he could think of saying. He lit up a cigarette and waited for the forth member of the band to finally show up.

oOoOoOo

Toshiya was just too nervous to concentrate on driving, so Die sat in front of the wheel, while Toshiya took the passenger's seat. For some time they both sat in silence, Toshiya nervously playing with the seatbelt and Die tapping his fingers on a wheel and constantly fidgeting.

"Shit, this is bad" Toshiya muttered, finally not being able to keep all the emotions inside. "It's like Kyo missing all over again."

"It's not" Die immediately said and glanced at Toshiya. "They are both all right."

"We don't know that for sure yet!"

Die kept his mouth shut, knowing that Toshiya was right and worrying as well.

"Daisuke?"

"Yeah?"

"What if there's only half of the truth in the newspaper and something really bad happened to Kyo because he's still in a hospital?"

"You mean…?"

But Die couldn't finish his thought out loud. He hoped they were wrong and Kyo wasn't hurt in any why even remotely close to how he was hurt before. It would bring fatal consequences. They both knew Kyo wouldn't be able to take the same torture and abuse for a second time and be fine. This time it would take even more time for him to recover.

"I hope not…" Die muttered. "We'll soon find out by ourselves. We'll soon be there."

For the rest of the drive they were silent. There was nothing to discuss and they just wanted to finally get to the hospital and see Kyo for themselves.

Kyo's sister told them the ward Kyo was in and after going up to the seventh floor of the hospital, they finally reached the hall where they saw Kyo's sister sitting on the chair. As soon as she saw them, she stood up and eagerly looked up at them.

"Oh, hello! I'm so happy to finally see somebody! I've been here alone since early morning and it was getting hard to be all alone with him."

"How is Kyo?" Toshiya asked, forgetting to greet her.

"He's considerably all right, I guess. When they brought him here at night, they said he was in shock and was delusional, so they gave him tranquilizers. And as he was overly agitated and scared and just simply panicking, they drugged him this morning again, so he's relatively calm now. Just a bit confused. He isn't completely able to sort out his thoughts and make coherence of them. But the doctor said it will pass soon – two days tops."

"So he'll be fine?" Die had to make sure.

"Yes, thank God he will."

"What happened?" Toshiya asked silently. "Did the kidnapper really attack him?"

Kyo's sister nodded, suddenly looking so very scared.

"Did he do anything to Kyo?" Toshiya asked again, as Kyo's sister seemed to be unwilling to give out information easily.

"No, as far as I know, he didn't. Just scared the hell out of Tooru. Unless… unless he'd be keeping the truth to himself. But the doctor said there weren't any signs of… abuse on his body."

"None at all?" Die wanted to make sure.

"Well, he was beaten up a bit, but nothing other than that… no…"

They all glanced at each other, exchanging the looks of understanding. Nobody wanted to even say the words, but they all knew what exactly they were talking about. But thankfully Kyo was not hurt very badly – not shot, not raped, not tortured.

"He's fine" Toshiya repeated loudly, as if it made it easier for him to believe it was true.

"So why are you out here, not inside the ward with him?" Die asked.

"The police officers are now with him. They want to get a testimony from him as soon as possible and he's just now able to coherently talk, so doctor let them talk to Tooru. They've been there for almost ten minutes now."

Die and Toshiya glanced at the door of the ward for a moment in silence.

"God, I still can't believe it's finally over…" Kyo's sister said and sat on the chair again. She looked tired, but ready to fight at the same time. "I'm so relieved that that man's dead."

"So he really is?" Die asked and sat next to her. She nodded in agreement. Toshiya sat on her other side, also having a question of his own.

"So it's true then? Kaoru killed the guy?"

"It seems so… Though Tooru said it was an accident, but we couldn't really talk about it as the doctor and nurses were constantly going in and out after Tooru finally came round and was coherent enough. But he says Kaoru saved him. And I don't think that's only my brother's delusions. Kaoru-san has done that before, saved him, I mean. Only this time he saved my brother directly from that madman's hands."

"But Kaoru is fine, isn't he?" Toshiya inquired worriedly.

"He's not hurt as far as I know."

"So why isn't he here?" Die asked. "He, of all people, would never leave Kyo now after what have happened!"

"I think he is still with the police…" Kyo's sister said, looking cautiously at Die.

"Why are they keeping him so long?"

She shrugged, not having an answer.

They fell silent now and just sat, waiting for the police to go out so that they could finally get in and see Kyo.

They didn't want to leave him alone for long. Not right now.

oOoOoOo

I see them come in the ward and take two chairs, put them next to my bed and sit. They stare at me politely, but sternly and I wish they would just get out of here. But I know they won't. They have questions that need to be answered.

"Good morning, Nishimura-san" one of the two says politely. I just nod in response, feeling still dizzy and not really up for talking.

"How are you feeling?" the other asks, examining my expression.

"I'm OK, I guess" I mutter. My head still spins too much if I make sudden moves and my tongue feels swollen. I'm tired and feel like I'm still in a kind of dream where all is blurry and unfocused, and surreal. But I am perfectly well aware of why I am here and what has happened.

Nurses drugged me pretty well though, as I feel too calm and too unmoved by yesterday's events. It's creepy. But I guess it's better than being all scared and panicking and crying.

"We're glad to hear this, Nishimura-san. Your doctor let us question you as he said you have already recovered from the initial shock."

I nod along while he talks, but then remember the only question that is really of any importance to me right now.

"Where is Kaoru?"

"You mean Niikura-san?" one of the two, the taller one, asks. He doesn't look hostile or judging or anything at all. He looks like he's just doing a usual thing – another boring task in his job.

"Yes, Kaoru Niikura. Why isn't he here yet?"

"Niikura-san is still in the police station and I'm afraid he might not be out today at all."

"Why?"

Why the hell they would keep him there? They had all night to question him!

"He has confessed of being guilty for committing an accidental murder. He will be charged in trial for this crime."

"W-what? Are you serious?"

"Unfortunately yes. This is the law."

Kaoru? He will have to face trial for murder?

"But he is not guilty!" I sit up so quickly that the view in front of my eyes blurs for a moment and I can't see a thing.

"Take it easy, Nishimura-san" I hear the shorter of the two speak up. "This is exactly why we are here – to get your side of the story and see what really happened yesterday."

I blink and wait a few seconds until the view in front of me gets shapes. Then I turn to the cops and look at them pleadingly.

"Kaoru isn't guilty of anything! He saved me from that fuck!"

"Please, Nishimura-san, start from the beginning and tell us exactly what happened."

I nod and try to get a grip on myself. I fear to think what I'd be like if I wasn't given any drugs. I guess I would still be babbling and be of no use to Kaoru. I have to gather my thoughts and tell them what happened.

"OK, so… yesterday… very late at night I returned home alone. I parked the car and… well, I heard footsteps behind me and I turned to see a man approaching me. And I immediately recognized him. It was the same man who kidnapped me that time, back then... You know about that, right?"

I had to make sure. They had to know about what kind of fucking psycho we were talking about.

"Yes, we know that case" the taller one spoke up, reassuring me, while his partner was constantly scribbling something in a notebook which I noticed only now.

"I just… froze, because… well, I really… I was shocked and scared to death the moment I knew who it was… He grabbed me and dragged me to the back of my house, to the backyard and beat me up."

"What exactly did he do?"

"He pushed me on the ground and kicked me in the stomach and on the sides, he even aimed at my head and I think I passed out, because the next thing I can remember is lying on the floor in my own kitchen."

The more I talk, the more I remember. Every fucking detail.

I just could never tell them how scared I felt and how powerless and how miserable and how much helpless as a fucking new born baby. My whole fucking body betrayed me and just stiffened, went numb, all limp and soft and powerless.

I haven't been this scared since I got out of that hellhole. And only the thought of the torture coming back after me and dragging me back…

It was unbearable.

That moment I felt nothing but pure horror.

Pure, undivided, all-consuming horror.

"What happened then?"

I flinched from unexpectedness of hearing a gentle voice so near me.

"I… my hands and legs were bound, my mouth gagged with something… He was sitting on the floor, his back resting on the kitchen cupboard and watching me…"

He was leering from joy. Oh, I saw that written all over his fucking face! He was triumphant! He was getting off only on the thought of finally getting back a hold on me.

And I couldn't do anything to save myself from that.

"I started struggling, trying to get myself free…"

I can hear how my voice sounds small and scared, but I just can't help it. The memory is so vivid…

"He let me do that for some time and then… then he came closer to me and… and he started talking to me, started saying how much he m-missed me…"

How much he missed fucking me, hearing my voice scream in agony, touching me all over, beating me, dragging me by my hair around the room, rubbing himself against me, and fucking me again – hard, raw, cruel and dominating.

"He started fondling me all over… under my shirt and pants… and it went on and on…"

I lower my head not wanting to see the faces of the officers right now.

"He said that he didn't plan this to happen so soon, but he just couldn't resist the opportunity when he saw me alone at night with nobody around. He said… he said he was going to leave me for a moment and get the car and then… then he'd take me back to… to that p-place…"

Kaoru… I can't do it… I can't even think about it… about being taken back there…

"What happened next?" one of them, now I'm not even sure who, asked me as I remained silent.

"I… I don't know how much time passed but he suddenly turned around to look at the hall… I just saw Kaoru standing there, looking dumbstruck. The fucker drew out a gun and lunged at Kaoru, but Kaoru just threw himself at the piece of shit and they started struggling."

I try as hard as I can to remember the details, but it's all very vague. I couldn't even see it all happen as I was bound and lying on the ground, farther away from both of them.

"I think I heard the gun fire three times."

"You think?"

"It was… it was muffled… like shot through a pillow or something…"

I don't know how the fuck to explain that. But I think I heard three shots.

"I turned to look at them, but they both were on each other and I couldn't even see the gun. But then he just collapsed on the ground, a gun still in his hand. And Kaoru was standing beside him. He was not hurt – that I know for sure! Kaoru kicked the gun from the man's grasp and then ran straight to me."

And I can remember only that he hugged me so hard I almost choked from the strength of it. I felt Kaoru's whole body tremble as if he was crying or just completely mad with anger. I couldn't see his face.

He was shouting something to me, but I didn't hear it.

"What happened then?"

"I think he untied me…"

"You think?"

"From then on… the memory is very… fuzzy… I don't remember things clearly… I just remember being held by Kaoru and… and at some point I remember seeing other people and not finding Kaoru anymore… and…"

And it's a total mess from then on. From when Kaoru finally had me in his arms, I guess my mind finally turned off and just snapped. I guess as my body was finally in a safe place, my mind decided to finally shut down to save me from more damage and shock.

"So you don't remember when it was that Niikura-san called the police?"

I shake my head.

"Is there maybe anything else you would want to add, Nishimura-san?"

I think just for a moment and shake my head again.

"OK, then that's all for now. This is your first official testimony, but we will have to do this again after your mind completely clears off."

I nod. Even if I said no, nobody would listen.

"And you will have to come and identify the body as soon as possible. Tomorrow or the day after that."

"Th-the b-body?"

"Yes. The body of the man who assaulted you. You have to clarify completely that this is the man who attacked you yesterday and that he is the same one who kidnapped you in November of 2003."

I barely make myself to nod.

I don't want to do that. I don't want to see him again. Even if it would be his cold dead body in morgue.

"So this is all for now, Nishimura-san. Thank you for your cooperation and we'll be seeing you again soon."

"Wait!" I almost scream as they already are standing up. They turn to look at me questioningly. "What about Kaoru? Will you now let him go?"

"This is not for us to decide, Nishimura-san" the shorter one says looking almost sympathetic. "We will report the information that we have gathered from you and then it's already not for us to decide."

"I want to see him!"

"You can come to the police station as soon as they let you out" the shorter one smiles now, with some strange understanding on his face. "We will leave the address for your sister. You will still need to go there for further testimony, so you will surely be able to see Niikura-san as well."

I nod slightly, not really feeling too reassured about anything.

"Get well soon, Nishimura-san. We'll be seeing you in some days again" the shorter one says and his partner just nods at my direction.

They finally go out and I fall back on the pillow.

I slowly lift my hands and rub the sides of my aching head.

There are too many thoughts I have to sort out and I can't even start to do that as the door to the ward opens yet again and I hear somebody come in. I take my hands off my head reluctantly to look who it is. And I'm not really so surprised to see Toshiya and Die heading straight towards me.

"Hi, Kyo!" Toshiya says.

"Hi" Die also greets me and I just nod.

"How are you?" Toshiya asks, looking very concerned.

"I'm OK…"

"The police officers are talking to your sister right now, but she'll be here soon as well" Die says as if trying to justify her absence.

"It's OK, I don't mind."

Silence settles between us and I see how much agitated my friends are. They seem very worried and concerned.

"Kyo… what exactly happened?" Toshiya asks. "Are you really all right? Did he really not manage to hurt you?"

"I'm fine" I try to assure him, knowing very well where this is going. "Kaoru appeared there just in time. If not for him, I'd now be back in that fucked-up basement with that psychopath."

"How is Kaoru?" Die asks and I immediately get irritated.

"How the fuck should I know if he is fine or not? Do you see him anywhere close here? I myself want to know how he is!"

"Sorry, sorry" Die even backs of a little from me and I immediately regret my outburst.

"Kyo, there's no need to be angry" Toshiya butts in. "If police said he is fine, then he must be."

"But why the fuck he is still held with police? Do you know what they said? They said he will be charged in trial for murder!"

"W-what?" Toshiya gasped. "But…"

"Are you sure, Kyo?" Die asked, sitting down closer to me again.

"The officers who were just here said so."

I lower my head again, feeling desperation starting to take over me. I grip the sheets in my hands trying to force the feeling away.

"But why?" Toshiya asks incredulously. "Wasn't it an accident?"

I nod.

"It's just the law" Die says silently. "Even if somebody kills somebody by an accident, they must still face the trial."

"But it's so fucking unfair" I force the words out through gritted teeth. My knuckles get white from gripping the sheets so tightly. I would do anything to have Kaoru safely here with me. "It's so unfair…"

I feel Die's hand on my shoulder suddenly, and he rubs it a bit perhaps trying to comfort me this way.

"That psycho tortured me so much – being shot and dying like that was such an easy way out for him. Such a painless and quick death… He didn't get punished for what he's done to me and now Kaoru is the one who's going to be sent to jail?"

I feel like my happiness is suddenly slipping through my fingers and I'm helpless to stop it. Kaoru is going to get punished for saving me. Oh God… I just…

"Hey, don't write him off, Kyo!" Die says. "It might all turn out just fine. Maybe it's just a formality and Kaoru will be out of here in no time."

"But they said there's going to be a trial!"

I want to get a grip on myself, but I can feel slowly getting hysterical and I can't help it.

"I can't lose him! I can't… what the hell will be left of my life if Kaoru will be gone from it?"

"He won't, Kyo" Toshiya shakes his head assuredly and sits on the other side of the bed next to me, taking one of my hands and making me let go of the sheets. "Come on, Kyo, Die must be right. This is just formality and you know how much time all the paper work takes. It won't be sorted out in hours, it will take days. But he'll be out of there soon."

"But they said…"

"You know what?" Die interrupted me. "Me and Toshiya will go to see him right from here and will then get back to tell you all we got to know about the real situation. We'll talk to Kaoru if we'll be allowed and make sure he is fine, OK?"

"Yes, OK! Do it right away!"

I look up at them expectantly, but at that moment the doors open again and my sister comes in. She smiles at all of us slightly and comes closer.

"Are you alright, Tooru?"

I nod, trying to calm myself down. I don't like this at all. The way life treated me in the past doesn't make me feel too optimistic. I just can't shake off the feeling that a long time of separation is in store for us again. And I can't be separated from Kaoru. I just can't. I don't think I'd bare it. I just… please, just…

"Hey, Kyo-kun" I hear Toshiya's soft voice near me and feel him grip my hand in his stronger one. "Don't let the bad thoughts overtake you, alright? It might all end very soon and in your favor. Why don't you think about it instead of expecting only bad to happen?"

"Because it might not be good and I…" this time I don't even feel the knot in my throat break through and a sob escapes through my lips. I hold my breath for a moment, but it is pointless to fight the sadness that slowly takes over each and every cell in my body. "I'm so afraid to lose him…"

"You won't" Toshiya says. "You'll see. You're still in shock and terrified, no wonder bad thoughts get in your head. But you'll get rest and things will seem better!"

"He's right" I hear my sister's voice. "Everything will be OK, Tooru. Especially now, after you're finally really safe."

I lift my head and first look at Die, then at Toshiya.

"Can you go and see Kaoru now? Please? They won't let me out of here yet and I really want somebody reliable to make sure that Kaoru is really fine."

"Yes, of course" Toshiya smiles reassuringly and stands up. Die follows immediately and stands up as well. "We'll go now and then come back and tell you what we managed to know."

I nod.

"Bye, Kyo."

"See you soon."

I watch them go out of the room. I sigh and lower my head again, still feeling weak and miserable, and powerless.

"Hey, Tooru" my sister says and takes my hand in her soft and smaller one. "Everything's going to be fine. The doctor said they'll most probably let you out tomorrow morning."

"I want to go now."

She sights and keeps silent.

Yeah, I know… It doesn't matter what I want. I'll still have to do as the doctor will tell me. Even if it's totally pointless.

I sit there for a while until the knot in my throat goes away and I can breathe a little easier. The panic draws back slightly.

"Would you want some tranquilizers? I could go ask a nurse to bring you some."

I think about it for a moment. Tranquilizers made me calm and apathetic. Almost unaware of what is going on around me. Without them the pain tears my chest and panic takes over easily. But without them I can think clearer.

I shake my head slightly.

"I'll have to deal with it sooner or later without any drugs."

"Yes, perhaps you're right…"

She keeps silent, but doesn't draw back or let go of my hand and I am very thankful to her for that. I need her support at least for now. It's hard to be alone. I'm afraid to fall asleep, because whenever I close my eyes – I see him. Coldhearted, cruel and grinning madly at me. The fucking piece of shit I hate so much.

And Kaoru is not with me at the moment like this.

I feel my sis squeeze my hand tighter in support. I guess the look on my face gave all my feelings away.

"You should rest now while it's still calm and no one's visiting."

Yeah, I guess I should.

I want to ask her if she called our parents and if they are coming. But I don't really want to know. Or, to be more exact, I don't really want to see them.

I lie down and close my eyes.

The scenes from yesterday's night spring up in my mind immediately. But I try to force them out of my head. And when I do, I see Kaoru's shocked face in the doorway to our kitchen. Looking at me, then at the man, shock written all over his kind face.

I want to see him and to make sure he is all right.

I want to see him as soon as possible. I need him by my side in order to breathe easier.

oOoOoOo

It's still an early morning, but I feel like I've been up for hours and hours. My head is aching and a heavy feeling suddenly weights my chest. After seeing Kyo I feel a bit calmer, but there still are many things that I am worried about. But I can work out at least one of those right now.

"Die?"

He half turns to me while driving, but his eyes are fixed on the road.

"I'm sorry for what I said yesterday. I don't think you're spineless, that was quite exaggerated. And uncalled for."

Die keeps silent, starring at the road and I wait for him to say something.

"Apology accepted" he finally says.

A small smile escapes and appears on my lips for a moment. But I have to really make sure he isn't angry on me anymore.

"I know the management gives us a hard time and it's really not your fault. What I should have said instead was that I want you to try to take a risk at pushing them in the direction we want. We can at least do this."

Die finally turns to look at me for a moment and smiles, and I immediately feel relieved seeing that gorgeous smile I fell in love with years ago.

"We'll talk this over later with the other two, OK?"

I nod.

"I'm just… My head now is full only with the current situation. I'm very worried over those two…"

"Yeah… me too… But Kyo is fine, just still shocked and edgy. And Kaoru…"

Kaoru is not with Kyo and only this little detail worries me to no end. If it depended on Kaoru, he'd be there with Kyo after what has happened to him tonight.

"Die?"

"Yeah?"

He glances at me for a moment, looking a bit concerned, but his face is already much gentler than it was when he woke up this morning.

"I'm really sorry. I don't want to ever fight with you, it's just that…"

Our band faced some real difficulties for the first time and if we now won't make it and screw up, we'll have to disband. All of us know but we just never talk about it. Never say it out loud. But I am so very worried. Constantly thinking about it. Constantly pleading the God to help us survive as a band. And who was there to be on the receiving end of my anger and frustration? Only Die.

"Hey, Totchi."

I look up at him and am caught for a moment in Die's gentle smile.

"Don't worry, it's going to be fine. I mean, our band. We're gonna make it! And in the worst case scenario… there still are many things we can do in music industry."

I nod. I know he's right.

"And the rest… Kyo and Kaoru had to go through a lot of shit, more than anyone else I know. But what worse can it be now? The crazy kidnapper's dead. That's it! There's actually a reason to celebrate!"

I chuckle. The way Die says it seems to be as if we are talking about a dead neighbor's dog who never let us sleep during the nights.

"I mean, I'm not happy that someone has been killed, but… well, you know…" Die shrugs, now a bit lost for words.

Yeah, I know. It is best that the guy is dead. He will no longer be a threat to Kyo – ever. And it was good to know that.

"What the fuck it might have been that the bastard did to Kyo to make Kyo return like that… completely oblivious to the outside world…"

"If honestly, Toshiya, I don't really want to find out… Because I believe we would never even imagine ourselves half of what had happened, because… because it must have been unimaginatively cruel…"

I sigh and look out the window. I know Die's right. But I still want to know just for the sake of knowing.

"Should we call Shinya? Do you think he already knows?"

"Shinya?" Die gets startled for a moment. "Yeah, I guess we should. He might not know yet if he hasn't called us by now."

"I'll call him then right now" I say and take out my cellphone.

Shinya needs to be informed. Then I hope we'll be able to see Kaoru and talk to him. Then we'll head back to the hospital and talk to Kyo (which I don't look forward to unless we'll be bringing Kaoru along with us). And then we'll have to go back to the studio and do the whole day's work in only half of the day.

I sigh again and dial.

It's going to be a very long day. But at least the worst is behind us all.

We just need to keep our fingers crossed for Kaoru.

**TBC**

Sorry it took me a while to post a new chapter. I will try to be quicker :) I hope those, still reading, enjoy all of this so far ^^

And big thanks for XxXMiyavisHeartXxX – my one and only reviewer :D Looks like it's just the two of us here... :P Thank you so much for always letting me know you're out there, reading ^^ 3


	6. Chapter 6

**CHAPTER 6 **

This is fucking annoying!

I stand up yet again and go around the cell – five of my steps in length and four of my steps in width. If I sit on a joke of a mattress that's called a bed my ass starts to hurt after some time. But there's nowhere to walk around – the bunk and the toilet (sorry, a hole on the ground) take up almost all the space.

I hate to even think I'll be spending God-knows how much time here.

"Fucking shitload of bullshit!"

I wonder how Kyo is doing. He must be going crazy still being forced to stay in hospital. If he weren't there, I'm sure he'd already be here, visiting me.

I hope he is alright. He wasn't much hurt, just shaken. It was such a shock to him – that fucktard coming back after him…

Immediately the memory comes back to my mind and I can see it all very clearly – Kyo lying on our kitchen floor, tied up, gagged, looking horrified and just so… so scared as I've never seen him before, so helpless, so miserable… And a man, tall and well-built, determined-looking, just an ordinary guy from the street with a sense of fashion, but with a glint of madness in his eyes.

And my body moved on its own accord. The moment my brain processed what my eyes saw, my body moved. I don't know how exactly I managed to get a hold on his hand with a gun, how I tried to kick him wherever I could reach, how I just wanted to rip his eyes out and to squash his cock in a mush so that even the best doctor on the whole fucking earth could not fix him.

I've never hated anyone as much as I hated that miserable fuck at that moment.

No wonder he lost the fight – there was less determination in his actions than mine. I bet he thought if he had a gun he'd do me in no time. Who's laughing now, huh?

…

I don't like the thought that I killed him though. Even by an accident. We were struggling – my right hand on his wrist where the gun was, my left hand on his throat, kicking him anywhere I could reach with one of my legs – and he pushed the trigger three times, trying very hard to aim at me.

But he failed twice. And the third time he shot – his hand redirected by my one - the bullet went to his stomach.

Does that make me a murderer? Would after I die I go to hell so to speak? If I didn't pull the trigger, is still my conscious now bloodstained?

According to the police – yes it is. And I am going to have to face the trial for that.

I really don't care about going to jail. If they'll decide so, then so be it. I don't give a shit. It would be worth it. Kyo is safe – definitely safe - and it has been avenged for the sufferings he had to go through. And I'm happy for that. I don't care about that miserable fuck – dead or rotting in jail, whatever might have happened to him would have been just fine by me – all I care about is that Kyo can finally truly breathe easy.

I just don't like the thought of myself responsible of taking a life. Even accidentally. Even a life of such a scum like that heartless torturer. I'm not that kind of man, I don't take pride in taking lives, I don't feel God-like and important if I do that. It's just… it's now going to be on my consciousness for the rest of my life. My hands stained with blood.

I sigh and sit down again.

On the other hand, what's done is done. So no point in stressing over that. And if I am completely honest with myself, I must say I am _happy_ the fucker is dead. I'm happy he is gone for good, he is not coming back to look for Kyo, he is done with and wiped off the Earth.

This fact solely – that he is GONE – makes me relieved. Really, really relieved.

So does that make me a bad person?

I don't have a moment to think more about this as I suddenly hear the doors being unlocked. The same officer who put me in here appears at the doorstep and looks at me.

"You've got a visitor. He can stay for half an hour."

Then he steps back and Kyo comes in. Oh my God, it's finally Kyo! Finally!

Kyo steps in, looking around warily and glancing at me with glassy eyes. Then the doors are shut and we are left standing alone. And I waste no more time – in just a few steps I reach him and take him in my arms. Kyo nestles against me and circles his hands around my waist. I put my head near his, sinking my nose in his oily hair. He must have just been released from hospital and came here first thing.

I don't like how he shrinks in my embrace, how small and vulnerable he feels, how his body shivers just the slightest, but I can still feel it. He looks pale and a bit scared, and highly worried.

"How are you feeling, Kyo?"

"I'm OK" he murmurs in my chest and tightens his grip on me. "Just feeling a bit sickish."

"You should have stayed in the hospital some more time then."

"It's not that…" he shakes his head a bit, but still keeps close to me. "I had to go and see the body."

"Oh…"

Must have been not really pleasant if he even feels sick after that.

"How… how did he look?" I can't help but ask the first question that popped in my mind, which happened to be quite a stupid one.

"Dead. He looked dead."

I rub his back with one of my hands.

"Everything's OK now, Kyo. It's going to be fine from now on."

Kyo pushes back from me slightly and looks me in the eyes. Some color comes back to his cheeks and his eyes for the first time when he came here show some strength in them and determination. He looks angry all of a sudden.

"Fine from now on? Kaoru, they want to put you in jail for saving me! Or don't you know that yet?"

"I know."

"Then how can you say it's going to be fine?"

"You're safe, by a pure coincidence I managed to come in time and nothing bad happened to you – or me as well. And honestly – I don't care what happens now. If they want to put me in jail, then whatever. The most important thing for me is that you're safe from him now – he is never again going to haunt you. And if the price for your safety and peace of mind is some years in jail – I will gladly do that time. Honestly, I don't care. I'd do the same to save you again."

Kyo stares at me shocked and finally pushes himself out of my grasp.

"Believe me, I don't want to be separated form you yet again, but it can't be helped. It's now not for us to decide, so all I can do is to just accept whatever the consequences will be."

"Don't say that, Kaoru… Don't say that so lightly… I don't want you to be imprisoned. I don't!"

I take his hand, lead him to the mattress and make him sit. Kyo follows me obediently as he is still in a kind of trance and shock. I've been too blunt with him. Perhaps it was not enough time for him to recover from what happened that night and I was just too direct with my thoughts.

"I don't want to go to jail, believe me. But you have to understand that now it's not for us to decide. There is going to be a trial and the judge will decide if or not to have me do some time."

"I understand that perfectly well, but…" Kyo's voice sounds teary, but his eyes are dry. He looks miserable and scared all of a sudden, and very sad. "But it is so unfair… Kaoru, I… I won't be able to bear it if I lost you again…"

A sigh escapes my lips and I just take his hand in mine and draw it to my lips. I kiss the back of his hand and caress the palm with my fingers.

"You will, Kyo. If you will have to, you will live through that. But we don't know yet what will happen. I just might not be sentenced to go to jail, why don't you think about this possibility, eh?"

Kyo shakes his head.

"Why would they then not let you out now if they thought you were innocent?"

"It's not like that, Kyo. I have to wait for trial in custody whatever the final decision will be made. That's the law."

Kyo lets out an angry and frustrated grown and leans in, circling his hands around my waist once again. I put my hands on his shoulders and we sit like this for some time in silence. And when suddenly Kyo speaks, I don't even expect that.

"They put him on a table in an impossibly cold room. There were more dead bodies around, all covered with white sheets. When I looked at him, I… I didn't feel anything I thought I'd feel…"

I stroke Kyo's head, entangling my fingers in his hair, enjoying the closeness with him in this cold, filthy-smelling cell.

"I wasn't happy he's dead, I didn't feel anger and hate towards him – nothing. I don't care about him, not the slightest. I was standing there and thinking it would be so much better if he managed to survive, because then you wouldn't be kept here for murder. He's the cause of all of this, of us being separated again."

"Kyo…" I pull him even closer to myself. "Kyo, don't write me off before time, ok? I might just not go to jail. We don't know that. The government will give me a lawyer and he might just pull me out of here."

"No!" Kyo lifts his head and looks at me, his eyes suddenly lighting up with fire. "We have to find you the best lawyer there is! We have to do anything that's in our power to get you out of here!"

"Kyo, we don't have that much money to hire a lawyer ourselves."

Kyo looks like I just slapped him. But I wasn't accusing, I was just stating the facts.

"The lawyer they'll give me will be just fine."

"Kaoru, I thought you still had some money left after selling your flat…"

"Yeah, I do. But I'm not going to waist that money for something that I will get for free. I'll be fine with the lawyer the state will give me."

Kyo's lips form a thin line and his face turns into a grimace, as if he has just swallowed something disgustingly-tasting.

"You'd rather go to jail than spend some money?"

"No. I'd rather save some money instead of spending it for something that I can get for free."

Kyo keeps silent for some time, thinking. But his shoulders slump down and he looks as if he already gave up without fighting.

"I don't have that much money myself, Kaoru. The only thing I have is the house. Maybe if I sold it…"

"No!"

Is he crazy?

"No, Kyo. And after all, the house now is not only yours, so you can't sell it without my agreement. And I won't ever agree to that."

Kyo throws a really angry look at me this time, but I know I am right. I don't need an expensive lawyer. My case is pretty simple after all. No need to waste money I still have left.

"Kyo, come here."

I extend my hand and he looks at it as if it would bite him.

"Come on, come here! Don't be stupid!"

Kyo finally slowly moves and gives me his hand. I draw him closer to myself again.

"I am really worried about you. After what have happened… how are you really feeling, Kyo?"

He lowers his eyes and keeps silent for some time. I let him take as much time as he wants.

"I'm… still shaken, I guess… But the doctors drugged me so well that I'm very calm."

"That's good, I guess."

"I was so afraid of him coming back, but in reality… I couldn't even imagine it, because… you don't even know how much I was afraid of even that thought. I would never survive if he'd bring me back…"

"Kyo, he will never ever come back after you again."

I lift his chin and make him look me in the eyes.

"Do you understand, Kyo? You're perfectly safe from now on. He's never coming back."

Kyo nods a bit, but still looks concerned.

"And who's going to reassure me that there isn't a similar psychopath lurking in the shadows and fantasizing about kidnapping me?"

"Kyo…"

I don't know what to tell him. I might say he's wrong and there's nobody else like that. But what if there is? I can't possibly know that. But still…

"Kyo, it would be completely unreal if somebody else would attempt to do the same with you. I think, I really believe, that you're really safe now, Kyo. And you should be of the same opinion, ok?"

Kyo nods slightly. I have too many questions right now and too many thoughts. But the most nerving thing is that I don't know answers to most of my questions. I'd gladly go to my trial right at this very moment. I want to know the outcome of this entire situation as soon as possible. Because this obscurity of the situation drives me insane.

"Where are you going to spend the night?" I ask Kyo, a bit concerned of him staying alone after all this shit.

"I'll be going to my sister's place" Kyo mumbles, sounding still unhappy and miserable. "She drove me here as well."

"Do your parents already know?"

Kyo nods curtly.

"It's all over the newspapers and television…"

I knew it might be, but still this is unnerving.

"My mom called my sister and she gave me her cell so that I could talk."

I frown immediately. Her son was attacked and almost kidnapped again and she doesn't give a shit? She's not even here?

"My father didn't let her come…"

"Oh… But why? It has nothing to do with me. Well… more or less it doesn't…"

"I don't know… But she said she'll talk to him more and she's planning to still come against his will if need be. Most probably she's coming tomorrow."

Well I'm happy that she still cares at least that much.

"Are your parents coming?" Kyo asks and I hear how his voice shakes a bit from nervousness.

"No. I told them not to."

"Why not?"

"There's no point for them to come right now. I've talked to both of them on the phone and said all I know myself right now. They don't have money for a train and to pay for the hotel, and they'd need to come back home the next day as they have to work. So I told them that until my trial nothing will be clear, so if they want to come, they'd better come to trial, when things will be decided on the spot."

"Maybe it's then really better this way…"

We fall silent for some time, just sitting and being close to each other. A luxury I now for some time rarely will be able to enjoy.

"Kyo, why did you run off like that?" I finally ask, unable to hold it in any more, even if I know that the problem of my parents is the least important now.

"I… I was ashamed and felt so guilty for ruining your life…"

"What kind of fucking nonsense are you talking about? Ruined my life? You ruined it?"

Kyo shrinks even more and he really now seems to be just a scared boy in front of me.

"Kyo, just… I don't think there's enough time for this discussion now and I really don't want to have it now, but you were wrong. My parents weren't attacking you – they were just concerned."

"And what they will be saying now after you go to jail because of me?" Kyo lifts his head and looks at me desperately. "If they didn't like our relationship before, now they will loath me! They will totally hate me!"

I rub my head with one hand as I feel a headache creeping in.

"I haven't talked on the phone about you with them and I really don't know their thoughts on you after what have happened. But even if they're now angry on you – I don't care. So don't worry about it, Kyo. OK?"

Kyo looks skeptically at me, but I don't yield a point.

"OK, I'll drop it for now" Kyo sighs. And I'm happy he agrees at least on that. There's no point in talking about this right now.

Kyo looks really quite miserable and I was so worried about him. I boil with anger whenever I think that that piece of shit wanted to hurt him again.

I let go of his hand and circle my arms around his waist instead. I can't hold back anymore – I lean in and kiss him on the lips. Kyo kisses back with such eagerness that I want to curse the entire world that we're not in our bedroom right now. Kyo rarely responds with such passion right from the very first kiss.

"I love you, Kyo."

I want to make sure he knows that. I feel him tighten the hold he has on me and burry his face in my neck even deeper. We sit like this for some time and I lose the track of how many seconds and minutes go by. I'm painfully aware of the fact that he'll soon have to go.

So I keep him in my arms for now, just enjoying the closeness.

To think that I might have lost him again… Maybe it's pointless as all ended up just fine and he's safe. He doesn't need to disappear again for me to acknowledge how much I need him in my life. How I could sacrifice all I have for him. Even my own life.

I think I wouldn't have ever known how much I could do for him, to what extremes I could go for him if not for that night. Now I know. And it scares a little even myself. But Kyo is really more important to me than anything else in the world. Not even my wellbeing stands before him.

"I wish I would know why I love you so damn much" I whisper, knowing Kyo doesn't have an answer himself.

"Do you wish you wouldn't?" he asks silently.

"Then my life would be completely pointless if you didn't exist in it."

"I also can't understand why you love me so much, Kaoru… But I'm sure at least of one thing – I'm so lucky that you do."

I draw back slightly and look him in the eyes. Kyo smiles a bit, but a frown remains. It seems that lately it is attached to his face permanently and wouldn't ever come off. I brush my fingers over his left eyebrow and kiss him on the forehead.

"I don't know how it could be possible _not_ to love you" I smile to him again. Kyo kisses me on the lips and I almost want to scream in frustration – there's so much lust and desire in his kiss that I again want to be alone with him back at home.

But this is not going to happen.

I growl in frustration and push him back so that our bodies wouldn't be touching. Kyo looks bewildered and I rush to explain.

"It's getting me all worked up… the closeness… sorry…"

Kyo examines my face intensely and sighs. I guess he understood without any further embarrassing explanations.

"Don't they have those two-hours lasting dates in prison? You know, where the ones locked up can spend some time with their lovers?"

"Huh?"

Is Kyo really _that_ eager to make love to me on his own?

"That's in prison, Kyo. And this is just a simple police station."

I can't help but sound disappointed. Believe me, I would love to have a couple of hours alone with Kyo. But I hope we won't ever need those. I hope I'll be out of here and be able to make love to him in our own house.

Kyo inhales deeply and tries to compose himself. He looks a bit flushed and worked up too.

"You chose the worst time ever to get… horny" I can't help but laugh at our fucked-up situation.

"I know that myself, thank you very much!" Kyo shots back a bit angrily. Despite his attempt to show his anger, right now Kyo looks to me more adorable than ever. I chuckle and lean in to kiss him quickly on the lips.

"Everything's going to be fine, Kyo. You'll see."

We have to believe that. The worst that can now happen is that we might be separated for some time again. And if it's going to happen, hopefully it won't be too many years for both of us to handle.

Kyo wants to say something back, but suddenly the doors are unlocked and the officer reappears on the doorstep.

"Your time is up" he says sounding bored.

Kyo looks at me helplessly and my heart clenches in pain for having to let him go.

"I'll see you soon, Kyo" I try to encourage him. "You'll come here tomorrow, won't you?"

"I will" he nods and suddenly leans in to quickly hug me. "Stay well, Kaoru."

"You too, Kyo-kun."

I watch him leave and as soon as the doors close I sink back on the bunk and groan in frustration.

All I want is to go back home with Kyo. Just to be with him and help him get over the shock of what have happened.

It's a pity I won't be able to do that in God knows how long.

oOoOoOo

Tooru seems to be very sad when he finally appears at the doorstep. I hoped that the meeting with Kaoru-san will ease his mind, but it seems that it only made him more concerned than he already was.

"How is Kaoru-san doing?" I still have to ask. I'm worried about him myself.

"He's OK" Tooru mumbles, not really wanting to talk to me at all.

"So he really wasn't hurt, was he?"

Tooru shakes his head.

All the way to the car we keep silent. There's really nothing I can say to him right now to cheer him up. Except for my own good news. I don't know if it's a good time. But maybe it will just slightly help him forget all of that. At least for a few moments.

"You know, before all of this happened… I had some good news to tell you."

He glances briefly at me, a very slight glint of curiosity in his eyes. But I can see that all of his thoughts are still with Kaoru.

"I'm pregnant."

Tooru's eyes widen in surprise. I guess this was not that crossed his mind even for a split second.

"Really?"

"Yeah" I nod and can't help but smile widely. I'm really happy it finally happened. We were trying for almost three months and I was already afraid that there was something wrong with me or my husband.

"Congratulations" Tooru smiles, but just very slightly.

"I'm sorry, I know that now it's not something you care about, but I just wanted to share these news with you real bad. I'm so happy! You can't even imagine how much I wanted to have a baby!"

"I know, sorry" Tooru smiles and this time his smile is more genuine and lingers on his lips for longer.

"I haven't told our parents yet, so don't tell them, OK?"

"Sure. But they'll be ecstatic to hear that, so you better hurry."

"Are you crazy?"

I bite my lip for a moment and stare at the road. I hate it when this phrase slips out from me. Tooru was crazy. And it better would not happen ever again. I know he doesn't care about what words I use, but I still feel bad for letting it slip out of my mouth again.

"I mean" I clear my throat, "do you even know what's going to happen the moment I tell them?"

He looks a bit bewildered and I sigh, preparing for a long explanation.

"Mom is going to burst in my flat and start decorating the room for the baby which is by now only less than two months old. She's going to call all our relatives and tell them. She's going to start picking a name and forcing her opinion on us. She's going to… God, I don't even want to know what else she is going to try doing!"

"Sorry, but I must say all of that is only good news to me" Tooru grins a bit and I stare at him surprised. "I mean, maybe she's going to get off my back for a while and get on yours instead."

"Oh…"

That actually might be good. For my brother.

"As much as I hate to say this… I hope she will…"

Tooru laughs out loud and then we fall silent again. I drive us to Tooru's house. He has some stuff to pick up, but he'll be staying with me at least for this night.

When we finally reach his house, I have to park the car on the street as there are two police cars in the driveway of his house. One officer sees us coming and comes to meet us. He doesn't let me come inside the house and escorts my brother inside. He said they still have to do some final touches on the crime scene and they can't let us ruin any evidence there still might be. Tooru vanishes inside the house together with the officer and comes back just after a couple of minutes. We head back to the car and I drive us home finally.

"Did you get all you wanted?" I ask.

"Yeah. I took my license and car-keys, the spare keys to the house, my wallet and clean clothes that were still in my bag that Kaoru must have brought back with himself that night. These clothes had to be used at Kaoru's parents' place…"

"Will you be going to see Kaoru-san tomorrow?"

He nods vigorously, as if the question itself was really stupid.

"By the way, will your husband approve of me staying at your place?"

"What? Why wouldn't he?"

Tooru shrugs absentmindedly, but his face looks a bit worried.

"Don't pretend like you don't know he doesn't like me."

"What? Tooru, my husband does like you! What the hell are you talking about?"

"Don't do this right now" he says, his voice sounding really tired. "You know he's not that fond of me."

"Tooru, it's… It's not like that. He's just… he doesn't really understand your choice of partnership, but he doesn't hate you. He's just a bit too macho to understand your relationship with Kaoru-san."

"Or simply – he doesn't like me."

He's so stubborn today. I know my husband doesn't feel exactly like Tooru thinks. Well, yes, he doesn't like the fact that Tooru's lover is a guy. But he still talks to my brother and is nice to him. He just can't act well and pretend the certain part of Tooru's life doesn't bother him. But he tries hard to learn to accept that. It was my only big request to him during the whole time we were together. And he took it seriously.

"Just don't think about it, Tooru, OK? And with time you'll see he doesn't hate you. I promise."

He sighs, but nods slightly.

When we finally step over the threshold of my flat, my husband is already at home. I can smell his homemade dinner from the kitchen.

"We're here!" I shout for him to hear and soon he appears in the hall, smiling at me slightly. He kisses me and looks at my belly.

"How are both of you today?" he asks.

"We're great! And I was feeling fine through the whole day! No morning sickness in the morning or in the evening as well!"

"Happy to hear that!"

He now turns to Tooru and bows slightly to him.

"Hi! Sorry I wasn't able to come to the hospital, I had work to do. But I hope you're fine now."

"I am, thank you."

They exchange the polite phrases and we head to the kitchen. Even if Tooru says he's not hungry, he has to eat. My husband rarely cooks, he prefers me being the chef in the kitchen, but since I got pregnant, he's been taking some of my work for himself in order to help me. He's a real treasure.

"Mom will be calling in the evening to talk to you" I say to Tooru.

"Tell her I'm sleeping" he utters, not really looking happy about that possibility.

"Why? She's really worried about you."

"I'm not in the mood to talk to her and listen to her bullshit."

"I know she's been unkind to Kaoru-san, but…"

"Unkind?"

Tooru really got angry. Usually he wouldn't get agitated so easily, but he's been through so much stress in these few days that my little attempt at making him talk to our mother was all it took to set his anger free.

"Haven't you heard how she talks to Kaoru? Haven't you?"

He stares at me anger evident in his eyes and I shrink back in my seat. My husband for now just watches us, but I see that he's tense – ready to defend me if need be.

But Tooru takes a deep breath and stands up.

"I'm not hungry. I'd like to go to sleep. Where can I lie down?"

I sit stiff in my chair, still a bit shaken from the anger he directed at me like for the first time in many years. My husband stands up suddenly looking at Tooru.

"I'll show you."

They leave the kitchen and me, sitting in a chair, still starring at the door where two most important men in my life have vanished.

Maybe I am overreacting, because I'm more sensitive cause I'm pregnant. I hope so. But I have to admit that our mom has been very unfair to Kaoru-san and I should know it better than anyone else.

I put some dumplings in my plate. I'm hungry and now as I have to eat for two, the hunger usually never leaves me.

I munch on the delicious dumplings with my favorite sauce and can't stop thinking of Tooru. I'm happy he's been saved from that man. And nobody else but Kaoru did that. Tooru owes him double time now. So how on earth our parents still can be so unfair and cruel to him?

Suddenly my husband re-enters the room and sits at the table by my side.

"He went to sleep."

I nod.

"Thanks."

I hesitate for a moment, but I have to make sure. So I brace myself and ask.

"Are you really OK with Tooru staying here? I love him dearly and I won't be able to take it if you as well started to resent him or Kaoru-san. I just… it's so sad what had happened again and what Kaoru-san did to save my brother, but nobody seems to understand and appreciate it and I just…"

He silences me suddenly by putting his finger on my lips.

"Shh… I've told you already many times. I might not really understand their homosexual relationship, but it's not for me to judge. They don't impose their relationship on me and I have nothing against them. I like your brother and I'm really happy that he's OK. And I don't understand why your parents would be so strongly against Kaoru-san as to even disown their son because of that. So don't worry, babe, your brother is always welcome here. Kaoru-san as well."

My eyes tear up immediately and I curse inwardly for this oversensitivity.

"Thank you" I whisper and hug him shortly. "It means a lot to me."

"Don't worry, babe. I'm not some homophobic ass who would hate his wife's brother just because of the relationship he has. I mean it."

I nod, still hugging him.

"I'm really, really happy to hear that."

He chuckles and pushed me aside gently.

"Let's finish eating until it's still warm. And stop worrying. All is fine. For us, and for your brother as well."

I nod and pick up the chopsticks again.

Pity it's still some time until we get to know if Kaoru-san will be fine as well.

**TBC**

Feedback would be lovely… :) So far it seems like there's only one person reading this…


	7. Chapter 7

**CHAPTER 7**

One week and four days. And his trial is going to be held on the 25th of May. So, another three weeks to wait.

"I fucking hate waiting!"

I throw an empty box of take-out food on the floor and glare through the window. I hate being alone all the time. Without Kaoru. In this big empty house.

And it's going to be only Kaoru's fault if I'm going to be alone for ten more years.

"This is fucking bullshit!"

I growl and step inside the house. I'm sick of sitting on the porch and starring at the backyard all the time. Alone. There's nothing I can do. Nothing to kill the time with.

I glance at the living-room. We used to spend so many evenings here together, just sitting on the sofa, having a drink, watching some comedy. Eating something Kaoru prepared. Now I hardly can spend in the kitchen more than a few minutes. I can't force myself to step inside and stay longer. There's no blood on the floor anymore, it's been wiped off clean. But the images have remained. Nobody removed them from my mind. They're still there.

I can still see him standing in my kitchen, leaning on the table and leering at me all happy and mad. He entered my safety zone, my only real home, the place where I started my life anew, with Kaoru by my side. It should have been a fresh new start, without the shit from the past coming back to haunt me.

But now he tainted even this place. And Kaoru is gone.

Because of him.

I sigh and make myself to move. I need something to drink. As much as I don't want to go in there…. I have to…

I try not to think about anything, really, I just try to wait through this time until Kaoru's trial. But now this thought, which used to sooth me a lot, scares the shit out of me. And it is Kaoru's fucking fault!

The worst that he could get was from two to four years in prison, considering the circumstances. But he went with the second option. The one that his free lawyer given by the state suggested him. Kaoru is going to try to win the case by either being completely acquitted of all his charges and being set free, or going to jail for ten years.

Ten fucking years!

I tried everything – from pleading and begging him to change his mind to getting angry and mad at him. Nothing helped. He is holding on to his decision and now it's not going to be changed anymore. Kaoru thinks he's not going to be sentenced. His lawyer said that there was an 80% chance that they'll win the case.

Do I believe in some mediocre, underpaid loser of a lawyer? Hell no! And I don't understand why Kaoru would believe him! It's a huge risk! Instead of going for the worst case of getting sentenced for four years, he's going for ten! Ten years in prison!

I step over the threshold of the kitchen and stop for a moment, starring at the spot where the fucker once stood, hovering over my tied and gagged body, gun in his hand, an already slight erection visible in his pants. His fucking cunt of a face. How much I hate him! With all my heart!

I don't know if I ever felt a stronger feeling for any living being on earth. My hate towards him overpowers everything else, even my love to Kaoru. And that saddens me. It saddens me a lot.

When I saw him dead, cold and bluish, lying like a lab rat on the table, I felt nothing. He was gone and all I wanted to do was go see Kaoru at last.

But now, standing in the kitchen, just a couple of meters away from him, I feel fear again. I cannot look away, yet I am scared to turn away from him. He might leap on me any moment. He might knock me out, tie me up, tear my clothes off, thrust me on the floor and spread my legs-

I gulp loudly and lower my eyes. I hurry to the fridge, take out a bottle of mineral water and turn around to leave. He's just watching me from the corner of his eyes, he doesn't make a move and I don't test my luck, I hurry out of the kitchen as quickly as I can.

Only when I step into the living room I can breathe easier. I sit on the sofa and inhale deeply, trying to calm myself down.

I cannot accept the choice that Kaoru made. Luck has been shitting on us, especially me, for a long time now and does he really think this time will be any different? No, I hardly believe it will. Kaoru will get sentenced for those ten years and then I just… I just don't know what I am going to do…

I sincerely don't know how I should suffer through that. Find a job and just go on with my life? But what life are we talking about if Kaoru will be locked away because of me? What life can I have if the only one I truly deeply care about will be taken away from me? For such a long time?

Who would come out of there after ten years? Would Kaoru even be the same? Would we even manage to stick together the pieces left of what we had many years ago?

If it'd be two years or just a couple of more, it would be bearable, we would manage somehow, as hard as it would be. But ten years… is a very… very… very… very long time to spend alone.

"Shit, Kaoru, you stupid, stupid prick…"

I don't believe he's going to get it easy and get away just like that, without being sent to prison. It would be too easy. Too impossible. Too good to be true.

He said he'd want me even after fifty years in prison and I trust him – he sincerely believes in what he's telling me. But he doesn't know one thing – he doesn't know what he'd become after ten years in that place, among killers and sadists, and rapists, and thieves. He doesn't know how it would change him. So he doesn't know how that altered and changed Kaoru would behave after finally being out of there.

And even if I know that he means it with all his heart, I cannot trust him. Because he can't even rely on himself. A convict Kaoru is not obliged to keep a promise of an ex-musician Kaoru, Kyo's lover, kind and wonderful man that I know now.

A ring at the door arouses me from my thoughts unexpectedly and I just stare at that direction for a moment. I wasn't waiting for anybody. But it's Saturday, so perhaps someone's visiting again.

I wish it was Ru-chan. I haven't seen him after that time we met. I've texted him to tell him I was alright, but I didn't want to talk to him right then. He answered me back by saying how happy he was that I was OK and he said that he hopes Kaoru will be OK as well. He also said I can ask him whatever I need. He's keen to help me. But I wasn't up for meeting anyone immediately after what had happened. And in a way I'm still not in a mood for that.

The doorbell rings again and I stand up, a sigh leaving my lips. I guess I'll have to get that.

"Shinya?" I stare at my friend at the doorstep, a bit surprised to see him here.

"Hey, Kyo. Can I come in?"

"Sure."

I step back and let him inside. He smiles at me and hands me a box.

"My wife baked these. She was trying a new recipe and as I was going to visit you, she handed them to me and said to give you her best regards."

"Thanks."

I take the box and we go to the living-room. I should ask him if he wants anything, but I don't really want to go to the kitchen again.

"I don't really have too much time, I just wanted to stop by for a few minutes to see how you were holding up."

I shrug a bit. What can I say?

"I think I'm slowly going crazy."

Shinya stares at me for a moment, perhaps thinking if I was joking or not.

"I heard that Kaoru is going to go for a complete acquittal."

I snarl unintentionally. It just slipped out from my lips.

"He's going for ten years in jail instead of maximum four."

Shinya keeps silent for a moment, looking at me.

"You know that there's a big chance of him being completely cleared of all the charges?"

"Yeah, completely cleared my ass! With that shitty state lawyer?"

"You really think so?"

"But what should I think, Shinya?" I can't help but hear my voice rising and I just can't stop it. I get so frustrated only thinking about it. "Do you think they will just let him go so easy? He should have gone for the general verdict! In the worst case, he'd have gotten two or slightly more years and that's that! But no, he wanted to be a perfectionist and go for the impossible! Well it's just not going to happen!"

Shinya stares at me for a moment.

"Kyo, I can understand that you're scared. But Kaoru needs your support. I've been to visit him today. He's so down. I could see that it's so hard for him that you don't support him in this."

"How can I, Shinya? How can I, when he's going to be the reason for his own downfall?"

"He might not. He said he talked very thoroughly with the lawyer and the lawyer is convinced that Kaoru's case is not very complicated at all. And with your testimony there is a very high percent of chance of Kaoru getting out of there completely cleared of all his charges."

Shinya hesitates for a moment, looking at me intently.

"You _are_ going to testify, aren't you?"

I nod.

"But Kaoru said they will need you to tell them about what happened to you during the time that you were gone…"

"I know…"

And I hate it. Kaoru is the only one who knows about that. And now I'll have to tell it all to tens of random people in public. This is… this is going to be brutal and humiliating, but…

"I'll do all that is required from me as long as it only helps Kaoru."

Of that I have no doubt. I didn't even hesitate promising this to his lawyer. Kaoru did much more for my sake.

"But I don't believe that it'll be enough."

"Kyo" Shinya shifts closer to me and I glance up for a moment, but I cannot look him in the eyes. "Kyo, when you were found back then, you were… it was as if it wasn't you after all. And I don't know if anybody told you this before, but… frankly, nobody believed you were going to get well."

I look up at him, surprised. No, nobody really talked to me about things like that.

"I'm ashamed to admit, but even I, while looking at you back then after you were treated by professionals for months, couldn't see any improvement and didn't even expect you getting well anymore. Nobody had any hope. We were at least glad you were back with us, we knew that you weren't cold or starved or hurt anymore and that was that.

But not Kaoru. Kaoru was the only one who believed you could be healed. He was obsessed with that thought! He was the only one who, against all logic, believed you would come back to us fully. And he sacrificed all he had for that belief.

I know he did. I was there to see it all. To see how Kaoru gave up on everything just to be with you and help you."

I lower my head unable to meet his eyes anymore.

"I think, Kyo, that now, even if you don't really believe yourself, you should close your eyes for any doubts in your way and just support him. Just believe in him. Like he believed in you. Kaoru needs that."

I nod. I know Shinya is right. I just find it hard to let go and let Kaoru decide on this.

"I'm just afraid to lose him…" I mutter.

I hear Shinya sigh.

"I wish all the best for both of you. But I really do believe it will work out just fine. Don't worry so much Kyo, OK?"

I nod slightly just to make Shinya feel less worried.

"I've heard the trial is going to be a closed one" Shinya says.

"Yeah, thankfully. Otherwise I don't know how I would manage to tell all that shit in front of tens of bystanders. It's enough that my parents are going to participate."

"Why would they?"

"Well, I'm in the trial on the aggrieved party and also as the main witness. So my parents are going to shortly testify about my condition when I was just found."

"Can't you tell them not to? Or would that make a big difference for the case?"

I shrug.

"I don't know… But I really am the least inclined to start another major fight with them. I know my mother is not going to yield and my farther will want to accompany her."

"Isn't your farther not talking to you?"

"He is… But I kind of didn't really object to them coming because maybe… maybe he'll start talking to me after realizing I was almost kidnapped again…"

"So your mother visited you already?"

"Yeah… She was as annoying as ever. Stayed for the whole weekend and tailed me everywhere. As if I could go missing the moment she turned her back on me. Didn't mention Kaoru not even once."

"Hmm…"

"I just… all of this is so frustrating… I wish it all would just get sorted out sooner. I want to get back to my life with Kaoru in it."

"You will."

I wish I was as optimistic as Shinya. But of one thing Shinya is right – I have to support Kaoru now as much as I hate his decision. After all, if all goes down the hill at the trial Kaoru will face the consequences. So he has a right to decide for things that will affect his own life.

"Who else is going to the trial?"

"Kaoru's parents, of course. And that fuckers… that piece of shit's family."

"O-oh?"

Shinya looks really surprised for a moment. It's a pity I cannot get amused at his facial expression, because the topic is nothing to laugh about.

"There was nothing in the newspapers about that" he finally utters.

"Well, there isn't because nobody can reveal any details until the trial is finished. But I got to know all the 'exciting' news from Kaoru's lawyer."

"S-so, his family? He had a family?"

"Believe me, Shin, I would have loved to hear nothing whatsoever about that fuck. But yet again it was not for me to decide."

"So… who was he?"

I snort. I really hate where this conversation is going.

"A sick in his head piece of shit that's what he was! I don't fucking care about him or his sweet little grieving family! They are coming in hopes of seeing Kaoru get convicted!"

I get so pissed off that I find myself standing, my hands clenched into fists, anger just seeming not to fully find it's way out of my system.

"I'm sorry, Kyo, I was just curious…" Shinya looks cautiously at me and I immediately regret my outburst. I sit down, my shoulders slumping. I just put my head in my hands and take a deep breath.

"He was a surgeon. A well respected one. Had a big nice house with a lovely spacious basement and a little barn of his own just right beside the house. Old parents living in other town and an older sister, a dentist. The lawyer said they still don't believe he was the one who kidnapped me. According to them, he was a harmless lovely person."

I snort, contempt for the fucker rising again in my chest.

"He was so sick in his head, but nobody noticed! He was obsessed with me! Sickly obsessed and delusional! Couldn't really sometimes distinguish reality from his fantasies! I have a hard time believing nobody from his fucking lovely family or his coworkers noticed anything was wrong with him!"

Shinya keeps silent, still shocked at hearing all of that.

"Can you even imagine how much I do not want to see any of his stupid fucked-up grieving family? How do you think I will have to sit there and listen to their accusations to Kaoru for killing their wonderful son and brother? To listen how that piece of shit didn't deserve to be killed? How there are people who actually _love_ him?"

Shinya looks at me and I see so much pity in his eyes that I just can't stand it. I turn away, my eyes sting, but I refuse to let the tears fall. There is no point in crying. I'm done with that.

"I'm really sorry, Kyo…" Shinya's voice is barely above a whisper, but I can still hear it. I nod, letting him see that I understand.

"I'll somehow live through that trial, I'd go to tens of trials like that if it meant freedom to Kaoru. So I just… I try not to think about it, you know? I'll just… deal with it when the time comes…"

I feel Shinya's hand on my shoulder, squeezing it gently, trying to pass some of his compassion in this way.

"I actually came here with an offer to you" Shinya says after some moments of silence. I glance at him a little curiously. "It's nothing special. Me and my wife are going to visit her parents and thought we could take you along. They live in Chiba. It's nothing special, but at least you'd get out for the weekend. And as we're not going to stick with her parents 24/7, but go out, you could really go along with us. At least Kaoru approved of this idea."

I sigh. Of course Kaoru would approve. But actually, I myself would quite like that.

"The upcoming weekend?"

Shinya nods.

"Yeah, I think I'd like to tag along. I really hate sitting all alone at home and just waiting for the trial. It drives me nuts!"

"Well I'm really glad you're coming" Shinya smiles. "And you know, if you just want to, you can always come to have dinner at my place. I can only imagine how tough it is for you right now, and if it would only help, you are always welcome to spend evenings with me and my wife."

"Thanks, Shin."

Suddenly I remember one more thing.

"Kaoru's lawyer said he might want to have you or Toshiya and Die testifying as well."

"Why?"

"Just a short testimony on the events of the night when I went missing and then after I was found. You three and Kaoru were the only ones outside family who got to see me."

"Oh… well, if he only needs that and it'll help Kaoru, then I'll do it. I think Toshiya and Die will say the same."

"Thanks."

"Kaoru didn't mention this to me though…"

"Oh, I just talked to his lawyer on the phone some hour or more ago before you came, so he couldn't have possibly told Kaoru yet. He wanted to discuss some details of the trial and mentioned that he thinks the three of you might also be useful…"

"I see…"

We fall silent, for a moment both deep in thought. Soon Shinya goes away, leaving me alone yet again. He has things to do and as much as I would like to have company, I don't object. He has a family and more important things to do than visiting me.

With Shin gone I again have nothing to do. I glance at the clock. It's almost ten. So maybe I should try to go to sleep.

I stand up and go to prepare for the night. I check all the windows and doors – they all must be locked. The kitchen windows were all closed a long time ago, so I don't have to go there. Thank God.

When the ground floor is done, I go upstairs. Even if I know all windows are closed and locked, I still check them to be absolutely sure it's safe. Then I can finally take my shower.

It feels refreshing and good after I do that. I almost feel OK after showering and putting on my pajama pants and a shirt. But as soon as I lie down and turn off the lights, the feeling is gone.

It's too silent, too dark and too empty in the bedroom.

I lay there, my eyes wide open, listening to any sound I can hear. Sometimes it seems that I can hear him in the kitchen. I know he's not there, but… why the fuck then I can hear him walking around in the kitchen?

I cover my head with the blanket to keep all the sounds away and try to force myself to sleep.

Time goes by slowly, but sleep doesn't come. I feel wide awake. Yet again.

This is how the nights are like for me now. They're just the continuation of the days. Only that the darkness does fall down on earth, otherwise it's all the same to me.

I sigh in frustration and sit up in bed, turn on the light and take my cell phone.

Before I dial, I manage to see the time on my cell phone's screen: 00:38. I hesitate only for a second and then dial.

I hope by some miracle Ru-chan is not asleep.

oOoOoOo

"Shit, I'm so drunk."

"Yeah, you are, but it was fun, wasn't it?"

"It was…"

I manage to fall on the bed without any accidents and close my eyes for a moment. If they're open, the room around me starts to blur and spin. I don't remember the last time I got drunk. Kaoru was a control freak when it came to alcohol and I never got any when he was around.

"What's the time?" I manage to force the words out.

"It's almost seven in the morning, Kyo."

I feel drained, but in a good way.

Suddenly I feel the bed shift as apparently Ru-chan sits down beside me. Either he can hold his alcohol much better than me or I simply didn't see that he didn't really have any at all tonight.

"I'll be so sick tomorrow."

"Don't complain, Kyo" he laughs. "At least you'll have something else to worry about for the day."

"Yeah…"

We keep silent for too long that I catch myself almost falling asleep still with my clothes on. I force my eyes open and look at him.

"Well, I guess I should be going" he says hesitantly, noticing my look.

"You can stay" I don't even think before saying that. "We'll sleep in tomorrow and have breakfast together. It'll be good to have someone around in the house for once."

He smiles slightly and nods.

"Will you borrow me some pajamas of yours?"

"Sure, they're somewhere in the wardrobe" I point to the direction where the wardrobe should be standing, but make no move to go look for him or change myself. I'm all spent.

Ru-chan stands up and I hear him walk over to my wardrobe and shuffle through the clothes on the shelves. Then he leaves for the bathroom to change. He feels like at home here and I'm happy that I don't need to be the host and take care of my guest. He's much more than just a guest, after all.

I feel myself being shaken by somebody and I open my eyes. I guess I managed to fall asleep while he was in the bathroom.

"You need to undress, Kyo."

I nod tiredly and make myself sit. With some difficulty I undress. My arms seem not to listen and my eyes seem to double the things that I see, so undressing becomes a challenge. I furrow my eyebrows and squint my eyes while I try to see where the fuck the fly of my pants is.

I hear Ru-chan laugh and I glare at him.

"You're a funny drunk, Kyo!" he laughs. "You've always been so adorable when you got drunk!"

I'm too preoccupied with trying to get my pants off me that I ignore his irritating comment.

"Of course, then you were so much younger" he adds silently, now sounding serious all of a sudden.

"Whatever" I mumble, finally pulling the pants down and throwing them somewhere on the floor. "I'm off to sleep now."

I lie under the blanket on my side of the bed. For a moment, when I look at the place where Kaoru used to lie, I suddenly don't want anybody else to occupy his place. But then I just force the feeling away. The place might remain empty for many years to come, so I better started getting used to it.

Ru-chan hesitates for a moment and then lies down next to me and turns off the light.

"Did you lock the door?" I ask, as I can't remember how we actually entered the house. All I can remember for now is that there was a cab and then there was my bed.

"I did. Don't worry."

"OK."

I close my eyes and sink deeper into the cool bedding. It never felt so comfortable and so heavenly before.

"Kyo?" Ru-chan's voice suddenly brings me back to reality.

"Yeah?" I manage to force the words out.

"Is it really OK for me to be sleeping over at your place?"

"Mhhh…"

"But what about Kaoru-san?"

I grit my teeth for a moment, trying to suppress all the bitter comments that just itch to get through.

"Well he's not here, is he? It's barely possible for him to object."

Ru-chan keeps silent for a moment and I can feel how his body stiffens next to mine.

"Have you told him what happened between us the first time we met?"

Is he trying to get information out of me knowing that most probably I won't remember any of that the next day?

"I did" I confess. "And I am going to tell him that I had a great night out with you tonight. But that doesn't change anything. He trusts me. So it's totally fine."

"Totally fine…"

I try to make myself stay awake for a few more minutes, because I have a feeling he's not done with the questioning yet.

Ru-chan keeps silent for some time, but then he just makes himself comfortable in the bed.

"I'm happy that you called me. You should do that more often, we barely see each other."

"Mmm…" I mumble, trying hard to stay awake for him.

"I miss you, Kyo. And…"

He hesitates for a fraction, but when he speaks, his voice sounds stronger and more assured than ever.

"I really hope Kaoru will end up just fine. I'll go pray for him in the shrine. I want you to be happy, Kyo."

There's nothing in my head at the moment that would seem to be right to say. I shift closer to him and finally let myself relax.

"Thanks…" I whisper.

What else is there to add?

And even if there was, my mind full of booze right now finally made me shun everything out and fall asleep the next moment.

And sleep never was so blissful – without any nightmares.

Deep and dreamless sleep.

**TBC**

A/N:

I'd like to say that I didn't make up the conditions of Kaoru's verdict. I've heard of a real case where the person chose the option of being completely cleared of all charges or being sent to jail for lots of years. So it's not so far-fetched as you might have thought :P

I'm happy to hear from new readers! ^^ Thank you for leaving a comment ^^

Hope you enjoyed this chapter ^^ 3


	8. Chapter 8

**CHAPTER 8**

"It's all going to be OK. I can do it. For Kaoru."

I stand up once more and pace around the room, nervously clenching my hands. I look at the clock yet again – only a minute has passed since I last looked at it. It's still some time before they call me to go to the court to give my testimony.

"Shit, can't they already call me?"

I know more or less what they're going to ask me and I know what to expect. I have gone through the whole procedure with Kaoru's lawyer. But still, it doesn't console me the slightest. I still don't want to be going there and telling everything to all the people who have come. Literary everything and anything they will ask. For Kaoru's sake.

Kaoru's parents are here. And both of my parents are here as well. They were going to testify in court about my condition back then. But if you asked me, I think it's completely pointless to have so many people testifying about such a simple and clear-cut matter as my condition back then. But if that helps Kaoru then whatever… I don't care…

Toshiya, Die and Shinya are also here. My sister didn't come. She was advised by her doctor to avoid stressful situations for the sake of the baby and she decided to stay at home and not come. She might get really upset hearing my story and it's really only for the better that she stayed out of this together with her husband.

Then there are people who work here at the courthouse. I couldn't care less about them. At least all the media fuckers were not allowed inside. It was enough that they were taking photos of anyone who was entering the building on arrival. I barely managed to get inside from the entire crowd gathered around the entrance. Kaoru's case was all over the newspapers and television since that… that shit in our kitchen happened. At least the majority of them wanted Kaoru out of the jail. People were reasonable enough to see the injustice happening right now and I am happy at least for that.

Though that the media started questioning my and Kaoru's relationship is definitely not a good thing… There are many theories, but I refuse to confirm or deny anything. And after all, I don't want to have anything to do with the media not now, not anytime in the future. My and Kaoru's personal lives are our business. So I'm keeping my mouth shut and never say even a word to any journalist interested in me or Kaoru.

I wanted to wait in the hall for Kaoru's arrival and see him before the trial started, but they didn't let me. I had to go straight here to sign some papers and what not and then wait for my turn to testify. I don't know – I never even looked at what they gave me. All my thoughts are solely on Kaoru and the final verdict.

Guilty.

Not guilty.

This is the day when my lonely days without Kaoru might start. This is the day when my life will probably go down the drain so suddenly that I won't be able to even realize what happened.

"Kaoru…" I whisper and slump down on the chair helplessly.

I wanted to see him today, just before all of this, but I couldn't. It was only yesterday that I saw him for the last time before this. Kaoru tried to look calm, but I could see he was nervous. Perhaps he was thinking if the not-guilty or ten-years-in-prison choice was good after all.

I am so scared. And so utterly powerless. There's nothing I can do, nothing I can say to change the situation. I can only tell all they want. I can only be honest and tell them everything with all the details they need so that they would see what a sick, fucked-up in his head bastard that man was and that all Kaoru did was defend me and himself against him.

And if the fucker's parents and his sister are going to as much as say a bad word in Kaoru's direction… I'm afraid I might not be able to control myself…

I don't want to see them.

I want this too be over right now. I want Kaoru out of here. I want to take him and go home.

I glance at the clock. Only three minutes has passed since I last looked at it.

I start going through the things I might be asked during the testimony. But as soon as I even think of them, I want to cry out in frustration. This is not going to be easy.

Suddenly the doors open and I even jump a little from unexpectedness of it. An officer comes in.

"Nishimura-san, it's your time to testify now."

I practically jump up from the chair. I follow him looking at the ground all the time. My hands are sweating so much and I can barely breathe normally.

This is it. My testimony is the final one and after that it's all going to finally be over. One way or the other.

The officer opens the doors to the court and I am met with dead silence. I don't look up, just follow him until the very end of the hall and take a seat where he shows me. I can hear the officer's steps as he goes back to the end of the hall and stops again at the door. Then it's all silent again.

Somebody clears his throat suddenly and starts talking.

These are simple questions of who I am and what are my obligations as a witness and an aggrieved party. I answer to these questions curtly. I want the lawyer to finally get to the point.

"Nishimura-san, could you please look me in the face" Kaoru's lawyer suddenly says. I gulp and brace myself to finally lift my head up. The lawyer looks at me gently, reassuringly, but that doesn't help me the slightest to feel any better. My gaze involuntarily wanders off looking for Kaoru.

I see him not so far away from me, on the right. He looks irritated and annoyed. But I'm happy to see he doesn't have handcuffs on his hands and isn't dressed in any prisoner clothes. He's wearing a simple dark-blue suit with white shirt underneath. He looks handsome. Nothing like a criminal in court.

Kaoru stares at me intently and gives me a small smile. But I can't answer him back the same.

My gaze drops to Kaoru's left involuntarily and I see his parents. They are sitting close together, looking very worried and as soon as our eyes meet, they turn their eyes away. I seek for some understanding and comfort in other people sitting in the hall and find some warmth in Shinya's, Toshiya's and Die's faces. But when my eyes stop at my parents', they meet my look with a hard expression on their faces, the ones that I can't really read.

"Nishimura-san, we would now like to hear from you about what had happened to you in November 2003."

I know what I have to say to this. I repeated the story in my head many times. But when I have to now say all of it here, my mouth feels dry.

"I was kidnapped" I finally make myself to talk. "By a man I've never before seen in my life."

"Was this the same man that was shot during your assault at your house on the 27th of April 2010?"

"Yes."

"Tell us what exactly happened in November 2003."

So here it goes… the truth I've been hiding and trying to forget… Out in the open for everyone from now on.

I take a deep breath and start talking.

"At that time I was in a band Dir en grey and at night we were going back home to Tokyo from a show by bus. I don't know what time it was, but I woke up and saw that the bus has stopped at a gas station. I decided to go to the restroom as the toilet in the bus by the end of the journey was barely usable. I don't think anybody saw me get out of the bus. Everyone was sleeping and on my way I didn't see anyone as well. It was late, I was very tired after the show and I didn't even think of telling somebody I was getting off for a couple of minutes.

When I went out of the restroom, I turned the corner and saw the bus, saw Kaoru just getting in and then…"

I stop here for a moment, trying to remember exactly how it felt, but it was hard. The memory of that moment wasn't very clear.

"Then I felt pain and dizziness in my head and everything blackened and my ears were overlaid…"

I stop here, immersed in the memory.

If only I called out to Kaoru, asked him to wait up for me. If only I used the toilet in the bus. If only I told somebody I was getting off for a minute. If only…

"What happened next?" the lawyer's voice startles me and I jump a bit from unexpectedness. I have to concentrate and help Kaoru as much as I can.

"When I woke up…"

I don't want to be telling this. Please, God, I just…

"What happened then?"

I lift my head very slightly and glance at Kaoru. He's looking at me with eyes full of compassion and sadness. And by looking in those eyes I know I have to go on… for the sake of Kaoru, I _have_ to…

"My legs and arms were tied, I was gagged, my head hurt a lot where he, as I guessed, hit me."

"What happened then? What did you do?" the lawyer was trying to make it easier for me by guiding my speech with his questions.

"It was very dark and I couldn't see a thing. I tried calling for help, tried to break free from the chains, but of course… of course I couldn't. I don't know how much time has passed like… like that. I was in panic quite soon…"

"Go on" the lawyer ushered me gently, as I fell silent again.

"I tried standing, but I couldn't, he chained me somehow to the wall and I could only sit, but nothing more. I was left like that for a long time…"

"For how long exactly?"

I shrug.

"It felt like many hours… Might have been a day or two…"

I know it was. I managed to have several panic attacks by then, think of hundreds of scenarios as to what was going to happen to me, have pains in my stomach from hunger, pee in my pants as I couldn't hold it in any longer.

Yeah, it was a lot of hours. A lot.

"So what eventually happened?"

"He finally came" I state flatly. I wish I could already stop talking right here.

Silence hints me that everyone is waiting for me to talk. And I know I have to.

For Kaoru.

"He turned on the lights and I saw that I was in some kind of windowless basement. And he was an ordinary looking guy, if not for that… mad glint in his eyes. He… he told me straight away what was going on."

More like laughed at my face for finally getting his hands on me and bragging how cleaver he was and how nobody else have thought about such a clever plan – to get their hands on me and lock me in their basement just for themselves.

"He told me he always wanted me and that it was my destiny to be with him. He said that now I'd be living there, in the basement, with him and be only his."

Oh, how happy he seemed to be back then. And how terrified I was.

"I did all I could think of… I begged him to let me go, screamed at the top of my lungs for help as he ungagged me to talk to me, I cried, I cursed at him, insulted him, and then started all over again, but he just… he was unfazed by any of that. He said I was his now and whether I like it or not, this was how things were going to develop from now on. It was as if he could hear me, but couldn't understand what I was saying or rather… it was as if he chose what he wanted to hear and ignored everything that was not in his favor. It was as if… as if he lived in the world he created for himself, where he could have me if only he wanted."

I fall silent again.

I know that now he's gone, but… I just wish the memories could be wiped out from my mind that easy as well.

"What happened then, Nishimura-san?" the lawyer inquired, as my silence prolonged.

"He started groping me…" I whisper, barely making myself say these things out loud, knowing my parents were right here in the same room, listening. "Undressed me..."

…speaking of how much he wanted me, how he fantasized of that moment, how he was going to fuck me and nobody ever again would even get close to me, only him, how he would be the man for me, owning me, controlling me, fucking me. And right then I swear… I wanted it all to be a fucked-up horrible dream… I couldn't believe this was truly happening to me. The only man before I was intimate with was Ru-chan. Only him. And I couldn't believe, even when I felt his hands grab my cock and squeeze hard deliberately trying to cause pain, that this was really happening to _me_.

I couldn't believe I was really lying on the floor, my legs and arms chained, that I was groped by some sick kidnapper, who will soon be fucking me and I could only… I could only scream until my throat went sour and my voice would fade away, and I could only gasp for breath as he rammed into me hard and fast, uncaring for any pain I felt, holding on my thighs so hard it left bruises, grinning so wide, looking so smug and victorious, getting deeper and deeper, laughing while he came inside me, kicking me off of him when he was done and madly, hysterically laughing from joy.

I was convinced this was all but a fucked-up nightmare I was having.

"…and then he raped me."

I could never go into details in front of these people. I hope it will be enough to get Kaoru out of here as a free man without any of those.

"What happened during the next days? The next weeks?" the lawyer asked as I fell silent once again.

"Many things…"

I would need much more than one fucking hour to tell all of that. He was very resourceful when it came to having 'fun' with me.

"He was fucking me what seemed like each time he came down to the basement. Did whatever he wanted to me as if I was some kind of… puppy that didn't understand a thing in the world and completely depended on him."

"What do you mean exactly?"

I sigh, hating to go into any details, but still trying to talk and make my voice stay stable while speaking.

"He would do as he pleased according to the mood he would be having. He would… fuck me… then have a fit of how I messed up the basement and would make me clean up, constantly standing behind me and insulting me, making fun of me… or he would sometimes suddenly get an urge to beat me up, or…

…or inject me with some drugs that would make me be in pain for hours."

The more pain I felt, the happier he seemed to be for some reason.

"It hurt all over, made me convulse… sometimes he even had to make me bite down on something hard so that I wouldn't bite my tongue off…"

These were the worst times for me. Later I started to even want him to fuck me, than play with his drugs and experiment on me with them. These nights were so… so painful… But then later he learned that fucking me while I was wriggling and convulsing on the floor from pain was even more fun and after that I just… I just…

"He would forget to give me food sometimes for days and days. Even if I said I as hungry, he just… he just wouldn't hear any of that. It's as if I was talking in an alien language and he didn't even bother to understand. He never listened."

That fucked up piece of shit never listened when I begged him to give me water, when I begged him for food, when I cried and begged him to make the pain go away, to make it all stop at least for a short moment…

"Were you chained to the wall all the time?"

I shake my head slowly.

"I was for some time at first, but then… then there were times that I couldn't even stand up from the exhaustion and he didn't need any chains… He just chained one on my legs finally, but it was short and I could walk just to the middle of the basement with it on me."

"Have you ever been out of the basement during the whole time you were there?"

I shake my head, but then stop in the middle of the movement.

"I think… I think I was once, but… I can't really remember that day clearly."

"Why? What happened then?"

"I was very weak by then and my mind was already… foggy, but… I think he dragged me out of his house to the stables and…"

I can't make myself to say it. I just can't.

"Did he make you indulge in the sexual encounters with animals?"

I feel sick right now. And even more so when I manage to give a curt nod. The silence in the court room feels so thick that I can almost grasp it between my fingers.

"He t-tried… but it ended with my broken bones…"

That's all I can say. That's all I can possibly say.

"What else happened during the time you were locked in the basement, Nishimura-san?"

Lots of things. Most of which I erased from my mind. Or at least tried to.

"What was the sanitary situation for you?"

"All I had was a mattress" I mutter. I don't think that now people farther back in the hall can hear my voice anymore.

"There was nothing else down there. He never even left any of his stuff, not even a piece of paper."

"Why?"

"Because…"

Because I was determined to make the suffering stop.

"Because at one point I tried to kill myself using anything I could find down there."

But there wasn't anything usable in my reach. He was sane enough to understand my intentions and kept anything that might have been harmful away from me.

I had to piss and shit somewhere in the corner that he would clean up only when the smell was unbearable. He would wash me and shave me when he felt like it. He wouldn't bring anything for me to cover myself when it would get too cold to sleep down there, in nothing at all. If the basement wasn't built to be suitable for living, I would have frozen to death during the first week. He would often forget water or food at all. Only when I would get so weak I couldn't even stand he would remember that I needed to eat as well.

"Do you remember how you slipped into the condition that you were found much later?"

I shake my head slowly, trying to think hard on this.

"I tried to learn to shut my mind out whenever he would step inside, so that whenever he would be doing something to me, my mind would be not with him, but somewhere else."

It worked after some time, but not when he injected me with something. At those times it was never possible to remain indifferent.

"I remember it all becoming one big undivided moment with him constantly in the basement. It's as if… as if my mind was so lost in time that sometimes I couldn't understand if he came here just a minute ago, or if he was down there for the whole evening, or maybe it was a completely new day at all…"

I lost track of time and events and memories gradually and I just… I would just sometimes see his smirk, his ugly face in front of mine, rhythmically coming closer and fading farther back, then coming closer, and then going back, closer, then back…

"How did you feel when it was all happening to you?"

I actually turn to stare at the lawyer dumbstruck. Did I hear him right?

"How do you think I felt?" I snap back at him, angry all of a sudden. "I wanted to _die_! That's how I felt!"

I take a deep shuddering breath and close my eyes for a moment.

"I'm sorry" I mutter silently. I shouldn't have exploded like that in court.

"It's OK, Nishimura-san. There are just a few more questions before we're done."

I nod.

"Do you remember how you managed to escape?"

"No."

"Then what is the last thing you remember of those days in the basement?"

"I'm not sure… It was as if… as if I was seeing his face and hearing his voice all the time, but gradually they started to change and…"

I try hard to remember this. But I can't remember how exactly Kaoru appeared in my life.

"I remember just finally feeling safe with somebody… somebody kind, constantly close to me. I… It's hard to put the feeling into words, I can't explain it, I'm sorry."

"That's OK, Nishimura-san. But I presume you are talking about the time when Niikura-san already was your official guardian?"

"Y-yes… Yes."

The second time I sound more reassured and even nod to make it clearer I have no doubts about it.

"Would you have anything to say on those times that Niikura-san was taking care of you?"

I shake my head.

"Kaoru saved me back then. I owe him my life. And he saved me for the second time that night. And there's nothing more to add to it."

The lawyer stays silent for a moment and I sink in my own thoughts, starring down at my hands on my lap.

"Nishimura-san, we also need to hear from you what happened on the 27th of April."

I gather the last bits of patience and strength I have and try to make myself speak.

"He attacked me while I was going from the car to the house, tied me up, gagged me and dragged me to the kitchen of my house through the backdoor."

"How did Niikura-san appeared then at the same place as you?"

"He…" I stop for a moment to think what I should say. "We were having a trip and I came back home after… after an unpleasant argument and Kaoru just… he came back after me because I was so upset that I have left in a hurry and forgot my driver's license and wallet and some other important things, so he went after me to bring them back… yes…"

I nod as if to convince myself that this was exactly what happened.

"I was lying on the kitchen floor with that… man… standing beside me and telling me that he was going to take me back with himself and… suddenly Kaoru appeared out of nowhere and lunged at that scum…"

I stop to take a breath, but nobody says a word for using bad language in court. Not so much is left. I am almost done finally.

"I couldn't really see what was happening, but they both struggled and I heard shots. At that time I thought I heard three of those and… and when I saw that Kaoru was the one left standing… I… my mind as if just shut down for some time… I can't really remember how the police came and how I was taken to the hospital."

"Do you know why Niikura-san waited for so long to call the police and ambulance? The man who assaulted you might have been saved if the ambulance would have arrived sooner."

"Kaoru untied me and dragged me out of the house, that much I can remember. I guess… and, well, he told me himself, that he only wanted to calm me down and didn't think about anything else at that point… only later, when I was calm and not panicking anymore, he called the police."

"What do you feel about your attacker's death? Do you think he deserved such an end?"

I don't understand why the fuck would they want to know my personal opinion on that. Do they really think I might say he was a poor soul that needed to be saved?

"I don't care about him" I say coldly. And I don't care how it will look to other people. "I'm happy he's never coming back after me. That's all I care about."

I lift my head and seek for Kaoru's face. He meets my gaze with a hard and tortured look. Was it so hard for him to listen to the shortened version of my story for the second time? I hope I didn't make him too uneasy.

As soon as our eyes meet, his expression softens somewhat and a ghost of a smile appears on his features. And my heart suddenly cramps in my chest painfully. I cannot bear the thought of us being separated again. And for so long. I need him.

I need him so bad.

"These were all the questions I had, Nishimura-san" Kaoru's lawyer says and I tear my eyes off Kaoru and look at his lawyer instead.

The other side, thankfully, doesn't have any questions for me and I am escorted to take a seat in the courtroom. I make sure I keep my eyes lowered all the time to avoid the looks of the people around me.

The rest of the trial ends quite soon, but I don't even hear a word that is said. My head throbs and my heart pounds in my chest like mad. I got so nervous, so agitated, so impatient.

This is it. Soon, now very soon, my and Kaoru's future will be decided. And I can't bear the waiting any more.

When it all ends, they take Kaoru away until the judge will return after a break and will pass sentence. I can't lift my head and look as they take Kaoru away. I'm afraid I will lose what little self control I have and lunge at Kaoru and get a hold on him and not let go.

So I sit there and wait to hear all the footsteps cease and the murmurs and shuffles of the people in the courtroom to finally start.

I get up and start walking. I want to get back to the same room I was in waiting until they called me. I don't think I can stand this tension any longer.

But as I start walking to the direction of the door, somebody stands in my way and I have to halt, and to look at the person in front of me. And even though I don't really know that woman, I can guess who she is.

The mother of the man who changed me in body and soul forever. The mother of the fucked up bastard that tortured me and then came back after me for the second time.

I turn my eyes from her and want to just pass her and get out of here, but a man on her left appears it seems out of nowhere and blocks my way.

"Please, Nishimura-san, could you wait for a moment?" the woman asks, her voice sounding miserable. I stop and glare at her. I don't know her, but I cannot help but feel hatred towards her, and her husband. Their daughter is standing a bit farther away. She resembles her brother a lot and I turn my eyes from her immediately. I don't want to look at her face.

"Nishimura-san…" the woman starts again and I now look at her. She does seem to be tired and grieving, her skin pale and eyes dark from the lack of sleep. "Nishimura-san, I swear… I can give you my word… I never knew… Nobody ever even suspected!"

She lets out a kind of squeak and cry and puts her hand over her lips to suppress any other sounds that might escape. Her husband puts a hand over her shoulder in support, but his face remains hard and stern. He seems to be more composed than his wife.

"Nishimura-san" she whispers now, looking me in the eyes. "Please, forgive our son, please, forgive him and us, his parents! He was a wonderful son – caring, loving and helpful! He never did a bad thing in his life! I was always so proud…"

She stops and takes a shuddering breath. My story must have shaken her deeply. Perhaps she until the very last minute thought we all were lying about her wonderful boy.

"Can you forgive him and let his soul rest in peace, Nishimura-san?" she looks me in the eyes, hoping, praying in her mind for me to say the words she wishes to hear.

But her pain does not arouse any feelings in my heart.

"I have nothing against you, or your husband, or your daughter" I say looking at her, then at her husband. "So you don't need my forgiveness. You did nothing wrong. But…"

I cross my hands on my chest, feeling uneasy all of a sudden. I can see from the corner of my eyes that everyone left in the courtroom are starring at us right now, absorbing every word leaving my lips.

"But I am not about to forgive that… _man_… He can rot in hell for all I care. If Kaoru gets sentenced today, I will hate him even more than I hate him right now. If Kaoru gets free, I will not spare a single thought on him and hopefully forget him altogether, even though I know it's… it's wishful thinking…"

Tears start rolling down her face, but, strangely, I don't feel anything for her. Not even a slightest doubt or pity for the woman quivers in my heart. It's as if it was made of cold black stone. Her pain doesn't move me.

"But he was killed by your friend! His death should be a good enough punishment for everything he did!"

I lean closer to both of them, so that they would hear my every word.

"Kaoru killed him by accident trying to defend me from your precious son who wanted to kidnap me yet again! So don't bring Kaoru into this! He is a million times better man than your son ever was!"

I push them aside roughly and make my way out of the courtroom. The last thing I wanted now was to speak to them! Hopefully, that's going to be the first and the last one ever!

I manage to reach the room I was previously in, but I'm not quick enough to close the door – somebody forces their way in before I close them. I just fucking want to be alone right now!

"Tooru, sweetheart…" I hear my mother's voice and turn to face her. Her eyes look teary, and she looks really very much upset. She closes the door and in a few huge steps approaches me and pulls me in her arms. I am caught by surprise and for a moment just stand dumb struck. But a few moments later I put my arms around her and I just can't help it – I lose it and start to cry.

Maybe a few tears cannot be called crying, but they do escape, and I do get lost in her embrace, my body trembling and wanting to just release all the tension and anger and pain in her arms. And I let her hug me, caress my back with her hand, her other hand on my head, lost in my disheveled blond hair.

I don't know for how long we stand like this, but I manage to calm down somewhat and she leads me to sit down, but her hands never leave my shoulders and my back. She looks at me intensely and with so much love that I am almost surprised to realize she never stopped loving me.

Suddenly the doors open and my father half steps into the room and looks at us.

"It's time to go. They will soon pass the judgment."

I shake my head and my mother looks at me confused.

"I can't…" I whisper. My voice sounds so weak and childish, but I can't help it. I really feel so scared. Suddenly all I tried to believe has vanished. Kaoru is not going to be set free. He is going to jail for ten years and there's nothing I can do anymore.

"What do you mean you can't?" my mother asks. "Don't you want to know what will be decided for… for Niikura-san?"

"I do, but… I can't go back there… I'll wait here…"

"Let him stay" my farther says and I can't help but for a second hope that maybe he changed his mind and won't disown me like he wanted to. "But we should go, they'll be soon starting."

My mother looks at me, but I push her aside and nod to her.

"Go. I'll wait here. I just… I'll stay here."

Because if they will say the dreaded 'guilty and goes to jail for ten years' I don't know what I might do. I can lose it and just get a hold on Kaoru and refuse to let go. So it's better to wait here. Even if perhaps Kaoru would feel better if I was there when they will decide his fate.

My mother finally stands up and leaves the room. After the door closes, I look at the clock and start counting the seconds.

oOoOoOo

When the doors finally open, I feel like I have lost all hope in the world and was already fearing to hear that they pronounced a death sentence for Kaoru instead of just sending him to jail. These nineteen minutes were the longest ones in my life. Even when I hear the steps and people talking in the corridor, but nobody comes in to tell me what finally happened, I start to panic even more.

But I heard doors being opened and then closed, and somebody was slowly approaching me. And I don't dare to turn around and look at the face of whoever would be telling me the bad news. Because I am, by this point, certain it wasn't going to be anything good.

I hear the steps approach me and somebody stops right next to me and puts their hand on my shoulder gently. And at this moment I swear I can smell Kaoru and just feel him standing behind me.

I brace myself and turn around.

…

All I manage to see is Kaoru's tired, but happy face before the view gets blurred in front of me because of the tears. I lunge forward and get a hold on him as if my life depended on it.

I feel Kaoru circle his arms around me tightly, putting his head on the crook of my neck and inhaling deeply.

"I'm free to go, Kyo" Kaoru whispers. "I told you I was going to be fine."

"R-really?" I have to make sure.

I feel him nod against me.

"Really. The final verdict was 'not guilty', just like my lawyer had predicted."

There's nothing I can add. It's just pure perfection now. It's all I wanted.

"I'm really happy to hear that" I still must make sure Kaoru knows that.

For a few more moments we stand like this, but then Kaoru withdraws and looks me in the face. I manage to get a grip on myself and calm down. Kaoru awards me with a sincere smile and I can't help but smile back at him. He looks gorgeous to me. Tired, a bit pale, but genuinely happy and relieved, his hair combed neatly, his face looking much older than I would like to, but radiant and so familiar to me.

"I've missed you. Badly."

"I missed you too, Kyo. But…"

"We have to go now?" I make a guess and Kaoru nods.

"Everyone is waiting. And I still have to sign some papers and what not. My lawyer is taking care of the final things right now and then we can go home. If, of course, we'll manage to break free from the entire crowd standing outside the building."

He chuckles and his carefree mood infects me as well. But still…

"All I want now is to hide from the rest of the world with you for some time. I just want to be with you 24/7."

"Believe me, Kyo, I do too. But…"

"…we can't" I finish sentence for him and reluctantly let him go. I dry my face with the back of my hand and take a deep breath.

"Can we go now?" he asks.

"Yes. Let's get it over with and go home."

Kaoru nods and shows me the way.

I follow, looking at his back. It's such a pity that there still are many – too many – hours before the night falls. I wish I was lying in his arms right now at this very moment.

oOoOoOo

Kyo just sits at the back of the room, on a chair beside the window fuming. But I cannot blame him. I also would love to just be alone with him, but our friends and relatives I guess really are very ignorant. I know that spending an evening together to celebrate my release and freedom is a good deed, but what I really want to do right now is just be alone with Kyo.

But since Kyo's parents also wanted to come, I could have never said no to this 'party'. If both of Kyo's parents agree to be in the same room as me and Kyo, this is only a good thing.

My parents are here as well. This, unfortunately, makes Kyo be even more uncomfortable than he would otherwise be. I can see how he avoids meeting everyone's eyes. Now all of the people here know what he had to go through when he was gone, and I can see how uncomfortable, how humiliating and ashamed he feels. And if Kyo's sister and her husband were not present during the trial, I'm sure his mother told her daughter everything after the trial has ended.

Kyo's parents glance at him from time to time, worried. Well, Kyo's mother looks worried. I can't really read his father's expression. He holds back whatever he feels and keeps it for himself. He is a rather intimidating person to be near. And he seems to be rather cold and unpleasant. So I can't understand him. But I guess the fact that he is here can mean only good. Right?

My parents, thankfully, are much more open people. And today they are simply just happy. So they don't really care with who they have to share a room with right now. Though there's definitely some tension between Kyo's parents and mine. They don't really talk. Didn't even greet one another. Perhaps they did that before the court started and that's that. Both wanted to be with their sons, so that's why they came here.

But it's impossible not to notice how Kyo's farther always stares only at the plate in front of him and Kyo's mother glances at Kyo every five seconds. Kyo's sister and her husband are much more relaxed, thankfully, and both of them engage in a conversation with Shinya. Apparently married life makes you have a lot of topics in common to talk about.

Die and Toshiya seem to be a little out of place, but they either try to talk with Shin and Kyo's sister and her husband, or me.

And my parents just sit right next to me and basically listen and observe all I do and say. And they don't fail to ignore Kyo's parents as well. Though my folk doesn't seem so tense and uncomfortable as Kyo's.

So yeah… thank you very much for this great party.

I suddenly stand up and take a few already used and empty plates.

"I'll go to the kitchen put these away and bring some more sandwiches" I say to whoever listens.

When I reach the kitchen, I can't help but sigh deeply. It's only 7:18 p.m. It still might be a few hours until people will start leaving. And I already feel emotionally exhausted. After spending weeks in windowless insanely small cell, all I want is to enjoy a good meal and get in a normal huge bed with Kyo beside me. And forget all the shit that happened.

Speaking of that…

I want to help Kyo to get rid of those memories even if for a moment. The hardest moment for me was to watch and listen to him while he forced the words out in the trial. It was so… painful… to watch.

"Kaoru."

I jump from surprise, startled. I turn to see Kyo standing in the doorway, looking at me with a small smile on his lips. He gets closer and I take his hand in mine and draw him closer to me, circle my arms around his waist and put my hands on his small back.

Seems like we don't need any words.

Kyo looks me in the eyes and I can see it all there – his love for me, his sadness, his tiredness and longing. He leans closer and kisses me, deeply, greedily, demanding. He presses closer to me, I can feel his chest on mine, his hips, his thighs, his penis pressed to me tightly, with not a smallest space separating us. I get all hot and worked up in a matter of just a minute or two.

I've been deprived of closeness for so long that my body itches for even the smallest connection with the one it is longing for to get. I can feel the prove of my desire and need to start hardening in my jeans and I know I should be pulling away, but my mind is so far away and my body takes control over it.

I missed him badly. All I want is to just be close to him – just like now – having him in my arms, having him pressed up to me, crushing me with his arms, grinding into me, getting hard because of me, kissing me, madly, passionately, with such greed and such thirst that he's never shown before, initializing the physical contact with me, wanting me, needing me, desiring me, dominating me-

I pull back and take a deep breath, shuddering from the overload of emotions.

Kyo hugs me, circling his arms around my neck, pushing himself even deeper into the embrace and I do just the same. I hug him back, close my eyes and get lost in this perfect moment. Standing in the kitchen with him, the same place our lives almost ended tragically.

But they didn't. And I'm really grateful for that.

"I missed you so much, Kaoru" Kyo whispers and for a moment I squeeze him tighter to let him know I heard him.

"I missed you too, Kyo. Every fucking day. But it's all over now. It's all over."

Kyo nods.

"Don't ever leave me, OK?"

"I won't, Kyo. I would never leave you on my own free will. You know that."

Kyo nods again.

"I love you so much, Kaoru."

It's strange how easily this phrase slips from his lips now. But I know he means it. His desperate, death-like grip on me confirms his words. The hardness in his pants tells even more. And after all the struggle we had to go through, to have a working relationship is something I am insanely happy about.

"I love you too, Kyo. I always did and always will."

And however cheesy it might sound, this is the truth. Don't people usually make themselves say they love somebody only in moments like this? Only when something so out of everyday life is happening that makes them so emotional and sensitive, that they spill their hearts out?

This is one of these moments. And if I have no problems telling Kyo I love him on a daily basis, Kyo needs moments like these to open up to me fully. He doesn't repeat he loves me everyday, but when he does say that, I absorb his every affectionate word like a thirsty man in a desert.

I inhale his scent deeply and open my eyes.

For a moment I freeze to the spot as I immediately spot Kyo's mother standing in the doorway, looking at us.

But then the next second she turns her eyes away, silently puts two empty glasses on the table not looking up again and leaves the kitchen as quietly as she came.

And I am left wondering if I really saw understanding in her eyes or was it just my wishful imagination.

"We should go back" I say to Kyo and push him back from myself. "I would really want to stay here and get more… intimate, but unfortunately there are a lot of people in our living-room."

Kyo looks disappointed, but understanding. He nods and brushes his fingers through his hair, looking a bit hot and flustered. And needy.

He's never been so desperate for intimacy with me ever before. Damn it! Why would he be now, when we can't do anything about it?

I take a deep breath and try to shake the feeling off and make the boner in my pants just disappear. Or at least not to be visible for everyone, especially for my parents.

We head back to the living-room and take our previous places.

Luckily, Kyo's parents and his sister with her husband stand up to leave after just another half an hour. She's pregnant and her husband together with her parents do not let her get too tired. They guard her like watchdogs. But I agree with them on this. She must now be very attentive to herself and her health. And I think it's not surprising that they prefer staying at their daughter's place, not Kyo's. But that's only for the better. For me, at least.

Kyo's parents wish everyone goodnight and go to the hall. His sister comes to hug me and say goodbye.

"Kaoru-san, I'm really, really happy for you. And thank you once again for saving Tooru. Thank you so much."

"That's OK. You don't need to thank me."

She smiles and hugs me again quickly. Her husband, smiling, just bows to everyone and they leave. Kyo escorts them, but I stay where I am. I don't want to push my luck further. It's great that his parents tolerated my presence in the same room for so long.

When Kyo comes back, the atmosphere is much more relaxed now. But soon our friends stand up to leave as well. I think they don't want to intrude for too long. And thank God for making them be this reasonable.

"It's great that all of that is over" Toshiya smiles brightly to us. "We should all go out some evening! We haven't done that for ages!"

"I agree" Shinya nodded. "Let's do just that! Preferably some time in the near future!"

Die pats me on the shoulder, smiling that amazing smile of his.

"It's great to have you back, mate."

"Yeah… I was really having a hard time believing it will all end good" Toshiya says, for the first time showing some doubt in the choice I made.

"But it didn't, so stop worrying about that!" I laugh.

We say our goodbyes and everyone hugs me and then Kyo. Our friends seem to not know what to say to Kyo. They just look at him with pity and sadness in their eyes, but all they can offer is a manly hard pat on the back and a short hug. But I'm sure Kyo appreciates it a lot. I'm sure he's happy nobody as much as mentioned anything about his testimony.

What is there to say anyway?

So when they finally leave, Kyo lets out a long sigh and turns to look at me, looking relieved.

We get back to the living-room to clean up, but my mother is already doing just that. My farther is just sitting at the table, looking very pleased. He spots us and straightens in his seat.

"Tooru-san, come here for a moment, please."

Kyo immediately tenses, but does as he is asked. I sit right next to him and my mother stops busying around the table and sits on the other side next to her husband, facing us.

"Last time when we saw each other… when you and Kaoru visited us… we parted after saying many things to each other" my farther speaks up, looking at Kyo. "Perhaps we have been too blunt with voicing our thoughts, but I think you've been rash as well, Tooru-san.

What you've told me outside the house, the way you told me all those things, made me finally really see what your true thoughts and feelings for Kaoru are. And you should have just been honest with us – that's all we ever wanted.

It's hard for me and for my wife to understand your need" he looks at Kyo and then at me, "to be together, but… But if we can't change it and if it is what makes the two of you happy… we must accept."

"Tooru-san, we're not against you" my mother cuts in. "You misunderstood us back then and I guess partly it is our fault, but… After what has happened…"

She falters for a moment, but quickly composes herself and continues.

"Kaoru risked his life for you and it made us understand that whatever happens, he won't ever leave you. And the only thing that we can do is accept his choice."

"I'm sorry that you had to worry so much for Kaoru because of me" Kyo says, lowering his head.

My mother stands up and comes to sit between me and Kyo, takes Kyo's head in her hands and makes him look at her.

"But we don't blame you for any of that! None of those things that happened to you was your fault! As it wasn't your fault that the kidnapper came back after you! If not for our son, God knows what would have happened to you! We are so proud of Kaoru – he is brave and so devoted to you that he would risk his own life just to save yours! It's not something we can fight against."

She caresses Kyo's cheeks gently, like she sometimes still does to me when I let her, and smiles lovingly.

"Tooru-san, you are always welcome at our home."

"Thank you" Kyo whispers, seeming to be really moved because of her kindness. My mother hugs him and I am really surprised to see tears in her eyes. She was in the courtroom, she heard Kyo's testimony. And being a mother herself, I guess she just couldn't keep a straight face – Kyo's story made her pity him so much.

I'm really happy they finally made peace with my choice of who I want to be with. I'm happy there won't be any arguments over this anymore.

My father puts a hand on Kyo's shoulder and friendly squeezes it.

"Your parents aren't very happy with Kaoru living with you?" he asks and Kyo immediately lowers his eyes.

"No, they aren't. They give Kaoru a hard time. But…"

"At least they finally can stand me being in the same room as they are" I fill in, jokingly. Though the sad thing is that this is the truth.

"It's this bad?" my mother asks, a bit surprised.

"Haven't you seen them today?" my farther answers instead of me. "They didn't talk to us or Kaoru. Barely said a word!"

"I'm sorry" Kyo says suddenly.

"Don't be silly" my mother scolds him. I guess now that he's been accepted, she's going to treat him the same way she treats me. "It's not your fault."

"So can we go to sleep already?" I but in, not really wanting to explore the Kyo's parents topic right now. They still ignore me, but at least can stand my presence in the same room, so I hope it can be called a progress. Though after what had happened now they haven't talked to me.

I don't need to be thanked for saving Kyo, I did it because I love him and need him in my life. But I thought his parents would be at least happy Kyo is still here, with us, and at least thank me for saving him, but not ignore me.

"Yes, of course. I guess we're all tired. It's been a stressful day" my mother agrees.

When we stand up, I'm happy to see Kyo smiling slightly. We'll talk about it later, but I'm happy to see he's already much more content now. I guess the situation with my parents bothered him a lot. He was afraid my parents would blame him for my imprisonment.

When all is done, we leave my parents downstairs, to sleep in the living-room. The sofa can be transformed into a decent bed, so they inhabited the living-room for tonight. And me and Kyo head to our bedroom upstairs.

Finally I get to sleep in my bed, with Kyo by my side.

Finally.

oOoOoOo

There is nothing romantic about sex. Movies are a fairy tale for adults. If you want to see what sex is really like, watch some home-made porn. That's how real sex is – vulgar, completely unromantic and simply animalistic. Two sweaty people, panting, groaning and making all the weirdest moves and positions just to feel that mind-blowing orgasm while looking stupid and ridiculous.

But now, with Kyo actually really wanting me for real for the first time, with the lights off, just a dim light from the nightstand on, with my eyes only on his handsome face, with my hands on his skin somewhere at his hips, and with my penis deep – so fucking deep – inside of him, I cannot help but think that this is the most beautiful thing that I have ever experienced.

As if life has been stilled, going in slow motion forward, with Kyo all around me, over me, in me, his scent deep in my nostrils, in every pore of my skin, deep within my heart and my soul and my brains, I cannot help but think how perfect this is.

How utterly perfect this moment feels.

I don't think I've ever been happier.

"Kyo…" I manage to groan, but even to myself my voice sounds alien.

"Oh God… Kyo…"

Please love me.

Please love me to the marrow of my bones.

**TBC**

I want to thank everyone who leaves me reviews! It means a lot to me to know there are readers and that they enjoy my stories! ^^ Thank you so much!

I am still here, just taking my time with posting updates :( I was on holiday, but already came back, so the usual routine will start – writing stories will be one of them ^^

Sending love to everyone ^^ Hope you'll like this chapter ;)


	9. Chapter 9

oOo 4 days after the trial oOo

I yawn loudly and rub my eyes with the back of my hand. It's so hot, even if it's only ten in the morning. I put on some water for coffee and slump down on the kitchen chair.

On habit I glance at the place where he was standing back then and…

"No need to remember those things now."

Especially when he's gone from my kitchen for good. Since Kaoru got back home, it's only the two of us in the house again. And I can't wish for anything more than that.

I'm so tired and sleepy. Yesterday me and Kaoru… Oh God, it was so- _so_ _good_.

I can't believe I started to enjoy sex so much again. And with Kaoru it's ten times better than anything I've ever had. With Ru-chan it was just an amateur kind of sex – awkward, rushed and pleasant. We thought we were so good at it and we were so overly confident. Now I know the confidence was fueled just by my big ego and his worship.

But now, with Kaoru it's so much different. It's so loving, so careful, every touch is aimed deliberately at a specific place in order to cause pleasure, to make the skin shiver. It's mature, it's daring, sometimes rough and hard, still a bit too desperate, but it's rich and mind-blowing. Now sex with Kaoru is like a ripen fruit that just ooze out from being too full of its nectar – tasty, sweet, delicious and forbidden.

I don't know why I finally can get aroused without any help from Kaoru's side, but I'm not about to question. I'm going to just enjoy this welcome change of events. And maybe, if we're lucky, this will never go back to where it was and I won't even need to go to consult a specialist at all.

The water starts boiling. I take Kaoru's cup, pour sugar and coffee in it and fill the cup with hot water. Kaoru is still asleep in our bed, so I'll have my breakfast alone. I don't want to wake him up, as he pretty much collapsed from exhaustion in the end yesterday. But I'm not also going to starve and wait till he wakes up. I think there still are some of those cookies in the cupboard. I take some of them, even if I know I should at least try to resist.

I sit down with my coffee and cookies to eat. It's getting hotter and hotter. I think we'll spend yet another day at home just lazing. Though Kaoru will have to go to work tomorrow, unfortunately. So I want to have him all to myself at least for this one more day.

Oh, and speaking of Ru-chan…

I take my mobile from the table and dial. I've tried calling him two days ago, but he didn't pick up and didn't call me back. I want to tell him the good news myself, even if he most probably already knows from the newspapers or television.

He picks up when I am already about to cut the connection.

"Hello?"

His voice sounds really tired.

"Hey, Ru-chan! Hope you weren't still sleeping?"

"Kyo? Oh, no, no I wasn't."

"How are you?"

"Why are you calling, Kyo?"

Well this is… weird. He usually is more than enthusiastic to talk to me.

"I just wanted to tell you how Kaoru's trial ended."

"I've read it somewhere in the newspaper – he's been acquitted, hasn't he?"

"Yeah… He's home finally…"

"Glad to hear that."

I don't know if his voice really sounds cold and cynical, with a hint of irony in his voice, or if it's just me, being selfish.

"Are you OK, Ru-chan?"

There's some silence on the other end and I get worried suddenly, as if the answer is in the silence itself, but not in the words. But finally Ru-chan breaks the spell by sighing deeply.

"I'm sorry, Kyo, it's just… I'm happy for you, I just had a shitty time recently. Sorry."

"Maybe there's something I can help you with?"

"No, Kyo" he actually lets out a small laugh. "No…"

"I'd like you to come to have dinner with us some day. Kaoru wants to meet you."

"Thanks, Kyo, but… I really think he's just being polite and…"

"No, he does want to meet you" I cut him off. "And I want to see you too."

Well, maybe Kaoru doesn't exactly want to see Ru-chan, but I'm not going to put him off by being completely sincere. Kaoru wants to meet him face to face to know who exactly he is dealing with. And I know he wants to draw a line between me and Ru-chan, but I don't care. As long as Kaoru sees that Ru-chan is no threat to our relationship and that he's just a mere friend to me, I'll be happy with that.

"I want to see you too, but… Not this time, I'm sorry."

"You're busy this week?"

"Yeah… busy…"

"So maybe next weekend then?"

"I don't know Kyo. Maybe."

No, there is something wrong. There must be. Or he just simply doesn't want to see me with Kaoru. Or to see me at all for some reason.

"Well, I hope you'll be able to. I'll call you again, but keep in mind that the offer is still on, OK?"

"OK."

He sounds not like usually. I'm not sure, but it feels like something is really not right.

"Ru-chan, you know you can rely on me whatever happens? I mean it."

I hear him sigh again, and when he talks now, his voice sounds a bit happier.

"I know, I just… I really want to see you too, Kyo, but now I can't."

"So give me a call when you will be free already and we'll meet. OK?"

"OK. That's a deal."

That's better. That sounded more like him now.

"I have to go now. I'm really happy it all worked out for both of you, Kyo-kun."

"Thanks."

"I'll talk to you later. Bye!"

"Bye!"

And he finishes the call. I put the phone down on the table feeling a bit confused. Something was really bothering him, but if he chose not to tell me, maybe it wasn't the place and the time to do that. Or then maybe he's just really jealous that me and Kaoru are again together and couldn't hide his true feelings about it.

I pick up the cup of coffee and drink some of it.

I hope when we'll meet, he'll be fine again and this was just him being in a weird or shitty mood.

I finish drinking coffee and eating, wash the dishes, but Kaoru still hasn't come down. Do I let him sleep for as long as he wants? Or do I behave selfishly and wake him early?

I can't stop grinning as I go up the stairs to the second floor and enter the bedroom. Kaoru is lying on the corner of the bed, if he moved even slightly to his left, he'd fall. It's as if I am so selfish and like to take up all of the bed. But this is just how Kaoru always sleeps. And he's never fallen off the bed yet.

I get on the bed myself and make myself comfortable next to him. Kaoru's face is sunken in the pillow, his arm in front of his face, he seems to be deep asleep. His hair is a mess, his naked chest rising and falling in slow, even intervals. I know that under the covers he's not wearing anything. And this finally makes me only grin more.

I lie down next to him so that I would face him and could watch him sleep.

I don't even notice how much time passes like this. But this feels so peaceful. I'm still ecstatic that Kaoru's here with me, that he hasn't been sentenced for ten years in prison. I was convinced it was going to turn out like that. And now that it didn't, I'm so happy. Now that I think of what would have happened then, I'm sure I wouldn't have been able to endure it.

For a moment my chest cramps with pain just because of this thought and I quickly grab Kaoru's hand as a proof of his presence near me. As evidence that I'm not just hallucinating and imagining that he's here.

His hand is warm. I entwine our fingers, put my other hand over his and clasp his hand completely in mine. I can feel his pulse on his wrist with my hand. It surfaces and disappears in even waves. He breathes so silently that you can barely hear it. His hooked nose and his tiny lips – sunken in soft morning light.

I wonder what would have happened if I had a chance to think about his confession of feelings to me. Perhaps… if I dumped Ru-chan even though I loved him a lot back then, perhaps I wouldn't have dared dating somebody else… somebody else being male… and from my own band…

Shit, what's the point in thinking about it now? I wouldn't be with Kaoru now, that's for sure. Maybe me and Ru-chan might have gotten back together again. Maybe not. Maybe I was doomed to be with Kaoru on the day that he became my official guardian. Maybe it's only Kaoru's hard work and persistence that we're now together.

Whatever's the cause, the only outcome is that…

I love Kaoru.

Yes, I do love him. A lot. I'm not in love with him – it's different. There never was 'oh my God he touched my hand' phase. It was always different for us. It was always hard. For him mostly. And I am a bit angry that I didn't have a choice of whom to love. That I was left without any friends, only with him always by my side. But whatever is the reason…

He has become the only one that matters. He is the only one I desperately need in my life. I depend on him still so much. Even if my dream is to be the stronger one of the two of us at least for a moment.

I draw his hand closer and kiss it lightly.

He is so near me and I can't help but think that he's naked, always eager for some pleasure and willing to give that pleasure back to me as well.

I lean closer and start kissing his shoulder. I shower him with light kisses: from his shoulder, then higher to his neck, then to his cheekbone, his chin, his eyebrow, his forehead. Until I feel his forehead wrinkle, his eyebrows go up and his eyes open lazily.

"Good morning" he mumbles, seeming to still be pretty much in the world of sleeping.

"Morning" I smile to him and feel his hand squeeze back my one. I guess I've been starring at him for too long. There are consequences of that in my boxers and I don't know how to tell that to Kaoru.

"You're up early."

"It's you who's been sleeping too long" I laugh. "I even managed to have breakfast already."

"Hmm…"

Kaoru closes his eyes for a moment, looking still tired and lazy. I draw back one of my hands from his and draw his hand with my other one down. When it stops directly over my somewhat hardened length, for a moment nothing happens, but then Kaoru frees his hand from my one and lands it on my cock. His eyes open and I swear I can see a smirk lingering in them.

He starts stroking me, slowly, gently, and I can't help but desperately push back against him. It's as if I've never had sex before and was desperate to get all I could. I know it's pathetic, but I don't care. I want him badly.

Kaoru leans closer to me and kisses me, and it's so sweet. I want more. Much more.

"Kaoru…"

I tear the blanket off him and throw it somewhere aside. He puts one of his legs between mine, climbs to rest over me somewhat, pushing me down on the bed, pressing me to it with his weight.

"Kyo, you sure want it?"

"What does it look like?" I almost glare at him. "Do you think I have a boner just so, for no reason?"

"I think it's very sudden for you to acquire such strong physical need for me. I love the change, but it's… too sudden."

I kiss him just to make him shut up. I know he's right. I know that it's not healthy – one minute I am frigid and Kaoru needs to caress me into arousal and the next I get horny only by looking at him. But if it's now like this and it's not going to change, I don't see why I should be concerned.

"You worry too much, Kaoru."

I kiss his lower lip, biting it just the slightest.

"You always worry too much. Even over the good things."

"I wouldn't agree, but…" he is silenced by my another attempt to kiss and molest him a bit, just to provoke him into something more edgy. After a few heated moments he, of course, manages to get free. "But who else is there to worry about you?"

I buck my hips at him impatiently and groan.

"Please, Kaoru, I want you… Can I have you?"

He laughs loudly suddenly, his voice still sounding rough from sleep.

"You have me, Kyo. You have me for so many years now."

He finally drops his irritating comments and worries and fully embraces me, kisses me back at the same time stroking my cock with his hand, caressing me, loving me.

This time I feel like being on top and he lets me no questions asked. And though it is awkward and clumsy, with me being afraid to screw it up and not please him, it's still good. When he straddles me and lowers himself on my length, with my hands placed near my head and with his hands intertwined with my ones, with him pumping himself on my cock, pace getting faster and rougher with each time he goes down on me, with him looking right in my eyes, I try hard to watch him, to not close my eyes - I want to witness it all.

It's been many years since it felt this good. Since sex felt this wonderful.

And it's been many years since I felt so close to another human being.

I trust Kaoru with my life.

And after all of that, when we lie down panting, with him on me and still a part of me, breathing heavily right next to my ear, both of us sweating profoundly because of the heat, I feel so happy. Because I have almost lost all of that. And there's no better way to appreciate what you have but to just lose it.

"Kaoru?" I manage to utter his name, still too much out of breath.

"Yeah?"

"I'm happy that you're finally home."

His breathing stops for a fraction. But then he exhales and moves to get off me. He looks me in the eyes and smiles gently.

"Yeah… I'm home…"

oOoOoOo

the 14th of July 2010

We sit down at the table and I immediately order myself dinner. I'm starving.

"When Toshiya and Die are coming?" Kaoru asks, looking at his watch.

"They should already be here" I shrug, not really caring about this right now.

"Kyo, hey" Kaoru grabs my arm and squeezes it reassuringly. "Just try not to worry too much, OK? We'll get a hold on him sooner or later."

I snort against my will. I know Kaoru tries to make me feel better, but I'm not stupid, I know this looks bad.

"It's been two months now, Kaoru. He's avoiding me, he doesn't answer my calls or my messages, never is at home. There's definitely something wrong!"

We came here from Ru-chan's place. I wanted to try once more finding him at home, but he was not there. It's as if he disappeared from the surface of the earth and it makes me sick worried. I managed to get a hold of a couple of our mutual friends back then, but they didn't know anything and were more interested to talk about me, than about Ru-chan.

"I'm afraid that something happened to him…"

"I know, Kyo."

This worry will drive me crazy. I hope he'll reappear soon.

The waitress brings us our drinks and I start sipping my coffee. Kaoru takes out the newspaper. My eyes immediately catch an article about me and Kaoru. I grab Kaoru's hand before he turns another page.

"Kyo, don't read this shit."

"I want to."

I pull the newspaper closer to myself.

_Former Dir en grey vocalist Kyo and guitarist Kaoru – living together?_ the headline said.

How do they find this shit out? Why they are still interested in us after the trial ended so long ago?

I look over the article and my eyes stumble on one particular paragraph.

_Our reliable sources informed us that the two Dir en grey ex-members are living together for a long time now and do not show any signs of going separate ways. They have been asked about the nature of their relationship many times before, but so far they haven't confirmed or denied this statement. Are they a gay couple or are they just two friends finding it more comfortable to share one big house and its expenses? _

What a huge pile of shit.

Suddenly Kaoru grabs the newspaper from my hands and folds it.

"Don't read this shit, Kyo. At least now this is not important."

Yeah, now.

"What will they be writing if we go back to the music industry together?" I snort, for once feeling miserable over this prospect of events.

"They will write many things, Kyo, but we have to learn to ignore all of that."

"I don't know if I'll be able to do it, Kaoru."

"That's why we're not rushing it, Kyo. That's why you can think however long you want until you decide. Because once we make up our minds, there will be no turning back."

"I know."

And it doesn't make me feel better. Mainly because I know already that we're gonna do it. What else is there for me to work anyway? I have no education, no other skills than singing and composing on some level. There barely is another way for me to earn money. And one thing I know for sure – we desperately need money. The sooner the better.

"But I don't know how I will ever be able to go up on stage and face all those people. They will come to see me not because of my voice and music, but because of what had happened to me. They're still interested in it, because nobody still knows what happened to me while I was missing. And they're interested to know about us as well."

At least the press hasn't found any of those two things out. Were we living in US or Europe, I guess we wouldn't have this luxury of privacy as we do now.

"They will, I'm not going to deny it. But there will be people coming to hear the songs and your voice. And after a while only those people will remain. I promise you, Kyo. After some time only those truly supporting you and me as musicians will remain. And that's what we want, isn't it?"

I nod.

"And I promise, we won't ever need to answer any of those two questions. Not about what happened to you, not about what is happening between the two of us. As long as I will be in charge, these two questions will never reach you."

I nod again.

I know I can trust Kaoru. He would be my manager, my composer, my assistant – my savior in everything. Without him I'd be lost as to where to start and what to do. But Kaoru said he'd gladly take care of everything. And I know he means it.

There is still the question of the band members. I would love to have Kaoru standing next to me with his guitar on stage. But Kaoru wants me to be the one and only important band member. It wouldn't even be a band according to him. It'd only be me. The solo artist. Kyo.

"Kaoru, I don't really need time to think about it. I mean… I know there's no other option for me and I kind of… I want to sing again, but… I'm just afraid, I mean… I don't want to be a public persona. But to sing without any public…"

"I understand, Kyo" Kaoru takes my hand under the table and intertwines our fingers.

"You'll do great, I know that. The beginning is always scary, but you'll be great."

"I want you on the stage with me, Kaoru."

Kaoru sighs, now looking a bit reluctant.

"I don't know, Kyo…"

"I need you there with me."

"I'll be there with you."

"You know what I mean" I interrupt him and he smiles.

"We'll talk about this more later, OK?" he says and lets go of my hand. "Die is coming."

I turn to see Die nodding to us and taking a seat next to Kaoru.

"Hey guys" he says and takes out a cigarette. He looks great. I've seen his photos in the magazines, but in person he is even more gorgeous. I guess he's one of those people to whom age only adds beauty, not takes it away. He has long hair now, but it looks perfect. I even envy him a bit. I wish I was this hot.

"Where's Toshiya?" Kaoru asks. "Weren't you supposed to come together?"

Die cringes in his seat uncomfortably and this immediately draws my attention.

"Did something happen, Die?" I ask, concerned all of a sudden.

"Well, it's just… we're kind of on a break right now."

"What break?" Kaoru asks, still feeling confused. At least I'm not the only one. "Does your band have a break from work or what?"

Die shakes his head slowly.

"No, I mean… Me and Toshiya, we've split up for some time. We've put our relationship on a break."

Silence follows this statement. It's so out of the blue that I don't even know what to say.

"I thought you two were doing great" I hear Kaoru say and glance at Die now more intently. He really seems troubled. And tired. And much thinner yet again.

"Well yeah…" Die shrugs and takes out a cigarette. "It's not like we had a huge fight or anything… It's just that… we always seem to do nothing else but fight over everything recently and it started to get tiring. I don't know… we just felt we needed to concentrate on the band more for now and give us some time to think if we want to continue living the way we used to."

He lights his cigarette and inhales a few smokes.

"He's moved out for the time being. But… I kind of get the feeling that he's not coming back… Well, at least for the band things are jogging along quite well now."

Kaoru puts a hand on Die's shoulder friendly and squeezes.

"Are you alright with this?"

Die shrugs.

"We've been together for a very long time and it sucks that it might end. I still love him and I know he also loves me, but… We seem to be unable to get along anymore. At work everything seems to be fine and it's all good, but when we get back home it's as if… we're at each other's throats immediately. And I don't know why it's like that."

"Did Toshiya say he doesn't want to come back home to you?" I must ask, feeling I also should try to say something to Die.

"He didn't, but… Hell, I don't really know!" Die snorts in frustration. "This situation sucks a lot! I wish we just were fine as we used to!"

"Maybe it will all work out in the end?" I try to be positive. At least I want it to be fine for them.

"Why are you so concerned all of a sudden?" Die asks, turning to look at me. "You were the one hating to see us together!"

"Hey!" Kaoru immediately raises his voice and glares at Die. "You know perfectly well what were Kyo's reasons for that! Don't you dare attack him with this now!"

"Sorry" Die murmurs and lowers his head. "I just… It bothers me a lot… this situation with Toshiya…"

"Is he still coming?" I ask, trying to fill in the uncomfortable silence.

"Yeah, he is. We see each other at work all the time, so there's no reason to avoid each other after work if necessary. He should be here soon."

The waitress comes back with our dishes and Die orders himself beer. Me and Kaoru start eating, not really knowing what to say right now.

When my cell phone starts ringing, I almost don't pick up, but in the end I change my mind. My mother sometimes calls and if I don't pick up, she gets all concerned and worried and then I have to listen to her annoying questions longer than I normally would when I finally do pick up.

But it's not my mother calling.

"It's Ru-chan!" I say starring at the screen, amazed and excited all of a sudden.

I garb my phone and stand up. I don't even see Kaoru's face. I step away from the table to get some privacy.

"Hello! Ru-chan?"

"Hi, Kyo."

His voice sounds weak and tired. I immediately sense that something is not right.

"Where have you been, Ru? I couldn't get through to you; you weren't at home when I came! Are you alright?"

"I'm sorry I made you worry, Kyo."

"That's fine! Forget that! Just tell me what's up with you?"

There's silence on the other end and I can't stop getting more worried with every second.

"Come on, Kaoru, tell me what's happening with you. There's something happening, isn't there?"

"It's… it's my mom, she's… she's sick."

"Sick?"

"She's in a hospital right now. She had a surgery and just finished going through chemotherapy. Now they started a radiation therapy a few days ago for her. I've been with her in the hospital all the time as she is here in Tokyo for now."

My words seem to be stuck somewhere in my throat. He sounds so sad and defeated that my heart immediately goes for him.

"I'm sorry I ignored you for so long, but I just… It's very hard. I have made very serious decisions about my life and all is going to change now."

"Ru-chan…" I utter, but I don't know what to say to him.

"When they'll finish the treatment, she'll be transferred to the hospital back home and I'm moving back home with her. I've already quit my job and packed. I'll be helping my dad with our family business and helping him to take care of mom. I'll be leaving Tokyo for good in two weeks."

His voice gets stuck in his throat and he falters for a moment, in which he lets his true emotions slip out and I hear so much vulnerability and pain in his voice. But he composes himself the next second and speaks sounding somewhat calmer again.

"I'm going home."

"What is it that she has?" I finally manage to ask.

"It's stomach cancer."

I wish I knew anything about it. But cancer itself for a moment makes me think of death.

"Her doctor said that she's got stage II and people having this stage of cancer live for about five years… I mean, only some thirty to forty percent of them live for five years. My mom… she might not have even that much left…"

His voice quivers and he stops talking. I can hear him take a deep breath on the other end.

"I want to see you."

"No, Kyo. Not now at least. I'm sorry."

"Why?" I can't help but ask. I want to see him. I need to.

"I don't want you to see me right now… I'm… I'm not very social right now… "

"But when we can meet?"

"If you'll be able to, I'll definitely want to see you before I leave the city."

"Of course I'll be able to. I want to see you, Kaoru."

"I want to see you too… I'll be looking forward to it, Kyo."

There's more silence and I still think this is some kind of sick nightmare. This can't be happening to him. Ru-chan is so kind and loving, such a wonderful person. Why would such a misfortune fall on his family?

"I have to go now, Kyo. I'm very tired and I'm not… I'm not feeling very well myself. "

"OK" I utter.

"Listen, I'll call you some time later, OK? Maybe you could drop by at my place when I'll be at home?"

"Of course I will."

"Thanks… I hope all is well with you, Kyo-kun. I really miss spending time with you."

"Yeah, me too…"

"Bye, Kyo."

"See you, Ru…"

And he hangs up.

I make my way back to the table slowly. I feel somebody taking me by my hands and guiding me to sit down. Like through the mist I see Die and Toshiya's faces looking at me. Then somebody takes my head and makes me turn it. I meet Kaoru's concerned eyes.

"What happened, Kyo? What did he tell you?"

"His mother is sick. She's probably going to… to die."

Kaoru gapes at me in shock.

"Ru-chan is moving from Tokyo for good to take care of her and help his farther with their family business."

"Jeez, this is… unfortunate" Kaoru mutters, not really knowing what to say.

"I wish there was something I could do to help him."

Kaoru takes my hand under the table again.

"Just be there for him. There's nothing else you can do."

"Wouldn't you mind me doing that?"

Kaoru gets flustered for a moment. He surely doesn't like me hanging out with Ru-chan even on rare occasions. But the situation now is different.

"You know I wouldn't as long as I finally get to meet him myself. But now he needs his friend's support, so I'm not that cruel as to not let you see him."

I lower my eyes on the table for a moment.

"I'm so sorry for him. I wish none of that happened to his mother."

"I know, Kyo."

I take my chopsticks and resume eating. I don't even say hi to Toshiya who arrived while I was talking on the phone. My thoughts are solely on Ru-chan right now. I hear Kaoru talking to our friends, but for some time I am deep in thoughts about Ru.

I wish he was doing better.

oOoOoOo

We watch Kyo and Kaoru leave. Those two… It's so amazing how after so much time and so much bullshit they had to go through, they managed to remain together. From what I see and hear when I look at them, they seem to be more inseparable than I've ever seen them to be. And I can't help but feel somewhat jealous.

I glance at Die walking by my side. He seems to be deep in thought, frowning slightly, his long hair covering much of his face from me. He looks so good. So handsome, so sexy, so fucking hot.

I wish I could jump him and fuck him senseless. But I know I can't. This would ruin the whole point of us taking a break. And we need this break. Our relationship needs it.

I sigh and turn my eyes from him.

Why is it that we seem to always get on each other's nerves? Why have we started to fight so much? What is it about him that sometimes makes me wanna just throttle him (that's how mad I can get at him)? Why can't he be at least a little bit more decisive, assertive and strong? Why did we have to drift apart, even if just so very slightly?

But the most angering thing for me is that I still love him. I never stopped loving him. He still holds my heart in his hands. At least I think he doesn't really know that any more. At least I still have that much power over myself and Die doesn't know that he hasn't lost me for good. Yet.

I know it wasn't only my decision. We both felt we needed to do something about it until it didn't surface in our work. And at least we managed to save the band from suffering from much love-related drama. Nobody even suspects anything at all.

But the question still remains, so to speak. Do we or do we not get back together?

And looking at him right now, walking by my side, head slightly bowed, skinnier yet again, I still have only one answer – I don't know.

I'm not even sure he really would want me back. He's as much confused as I am. And as much lost.

I hate how our reason for putting our relationship on hold is so vague and ungraspable. It's not his drinking problem (though he refuses to admit he has one). It's not my obsession with spending a fortune on clothes or experimenting in fashion. It's not his little annoying habit to leave the cup after he drinks wherever he was sitting and never picking it up again. It's not my constant brooding over things and depressing over every little failure I experience. And it's not our homosexual relationship.

It's just… everything at once and nothing at the same time.

I have no fucking idea why do I hate everything about him one minute and the other love him to death. It never used to be like that.

"Are you going home already?" Die asks out of the blue and I jump a little, startled from my thoughts.

"Err… yes. I have no more plans for today. Just to have some rest."

"Hmm…"

"You?"

What a stupid and utterly superficial conversation. What I would rather like to ask is if he's really been eating properly, because I can see he's been losing weight again.

"Yeah, me too. I plan to have some cans of beer and just watch what's on TV."

"Don't stay up late, we have to be at the studio at 9 AM sharp tomorrow."

"I know" he shots back. "I can remember that much, I'm not dense!"

"Well you'd be late more often if I wouldn't be waking you up all the time! We have to keep up to the schedule and you manage to ruin it almost all of the time!"

There's something more I want to add, but my words seem to get stuck somewhere at my throat after I see the expression on Die's face. And I get it myself. We're doing it again. We started arguing for no apparent reason whatsoever.

I sigh and rub the temples on my head with a hand.

"Please, be on time, OK, Die? We've got an important meeting tomorrow."

"I know. And I will."

I nod. I've got nothing more to say.

We reach our cars and stop, turning to look at each other.

"So, um…" he starts, but falls silent. Then looks me in the eyes and I freeze to the spot. There's something in his eyes that makes me feel all powerless and weak in legs. And the next moment I know he leans closer and kisses me on the lips.

I don't feel his hands or his body anywhere near me – just his lips, touching mine carefully, but with determination. I kiss back, though I don't know if I should be doing it. If we should be doing it at all.

He draws back suddenly and looks around as if only now remembering that we're in a public place. Then looks back at me and smiles.

"See you tomorrow, Toshiya. Have a good night."

"Yeah, you too…"

He turns around and unlocks his car, climbs into it and starts the engine. I turn back from him and approach my car slowly. I hear Die drive away and sigh, finally letting myself to relax.

Slowly my hand lifts itself and fingers touch my lips.

It might have been done just on habit.

Or it might have been done on purpose.

Whatever it is, it reminded me how much I used to crave for his kisses. And for more.

"Damn you, Die. You sneaky freakin' bastard" I mutter, but a smirk never leaves my lips.

oOoOoOo

As soon as the door opens, he first glances at me looking very much uncomfortable. Then directs his eyes to Kyo and smiles to him. Kyo, to my utmost displeasure, steps closer and without any hesitation hugs him.

"Hey, Ru" he says so gently that I immediately feel jealous. I don't have to like it. Especially after I got to know that this man standing right in front of me has dared to kiss Kyo and make a move on him. On _my_ Kyo.

"Ru-chan, this is Kaoru, Kaoru, this is Ru" Kyo introduces us, though there is no need for that. I nod curtly to him and he responds the same. Worry settles on Kyo's face, but he doesn't say anything. We silently step inside and take our shoes off. He leads us to the living-room and we sit down.

"How are you?" Kyo asks.

"I'm OK. Though it's very hard to accept the fact that I must leave Tokyo for good and that… that my mom is so sick…"

"Maybe some day you will get back to Tokyo?"

He sighs.

"Hardly possible… I'll be the one inheriting the family business and taking care of it with my dad now."

"But what about your brother?"

"Well he's married, with two children already, he has other obligations. He is responsible for them and he has to provide them with everything, so he can't just drop everything he has now and go away. And because of that there's just only me…"

"You could sell the business later" I can't help but say. I think he makes too big of a fuss over this problem and just wants Kyo's sympathy.

"Maybe… But you know, I'm not going to live waiting for my farther to die so that I would inherit the business and then sell it."

He made me sound like a complete bastard right now. With every passing second I like him less and less, even though I came here with the thought of trying to be nice to him.

"But let's not talk about it right now" he says and looks at Kyo. "Tell me how have you been doing? How are you?"

"I'm fine" Kyo shrugs half-heartedly. "I'm thinking of going back on stage again."

"Really?! Wow, that's great!"

"You think so?" Kyo smiles sheepishly.

"Yes, of course!"

Kyo smiles somewhat embarrassed and an uncomfortable silence settles between the three of us. This other Kaoru clears his throat and looks at me.

"Would you like something to drink?"

"No, thanks, we've dropped by just for a few minutes."

Kyo throws me a disapproving look, but I don't care. I don't like this man. I know he's not a real threat to me, but still… They met, they kissed, they spent some evenings late in the night together doing God-knows what. And if I trust Kyo when he says nothing more than that one kiss when they first met happened, I cannot trust him. I don't know him at all. All I know is that he is Kyo's ex and that's already a good enough reason for me not to like him.

After all, he was the only other man to whom Kyo made love on his own free will. And that already makes him a serious enough threat for me.

"I'd like some tea" Kyo says and this other Kaoru stands up and goes to the kitchen. As soon as he is out of the room, Kyo turns to me with a thrown on his features.

"What are you doing, Kaoru? You promised me to behave!"

"And I am being nice! I just don't see the reason to stay here longer. He's fine, you saw him, now we can go!"

"Kaoru, his mother has cancer, she is going to die. Have you got no sympathy for him whatsoever?! If not, then at least respect him as my friend! And please don't be so cold and harsh!"

"Can't you see the way he's looking at you?"

"Kaoru, what the…"

"Err…" I hear the host clear his throat and we both turn to look at him standing in the doorway.

"I wanted to ask you Kyo to come to the kitchen to choose what tea you'd like. I've got lots of flavors."

"Sure" Kyo nods and leaves the room. But this Kaoru remains standing in the doorway and looking at me.

"You know, Kaoru-san, I am very grateful to you for bringing Kyo back to us, for nurturing him, for saving him from being kidnapped again. I admit, I wanted him back, but… Well, let's just say we're not youngsters anymore and we both have changed. We're not ever going to have what we had back then. And… and Kyo is really devoted and faithful to you. And I don't understand why you even see a threat in me."

"Because I worked hard to have his love. And I don't want anyone to stand in our way now or ever in the future."

He smiles a bit, looking somewhat sad. And for a moment I feel that maybe I was a bit of an asshole right now and overreacting for nothing. He does seem to be kind of nice…

"I chose orange-flavored tea" Kyo suddenly appears in the doorway with a cup in his hands.

They both sit again and start talking. And this time I don't interfere. Just sit there and listen.

And the more I observe them, the worse I feel. This Kaoru seems to really be a good person. And really wishing only good for Kyo. And I was so rude and harsh to him.

When we finally leave, I manage to smile sincerely to him and feel easier in my heart.

It's good that Kyo has at least one such friend.

But I can't help but secretly feel happy that this friend will not be living in Tokyo anymore.

Kyo's ex-boyfriend will always be ex-boyfriend. I'm not expected to like this part of this other Kaoru.

Kyo used to be with him. So I'm somewhat relieved he's moving away from Tokyo. But I won't stand in Kyo's way if he'll want to meet him once in a while.

As long as that doesn't happen too often.

**TBC**

So after that 'accident' with the kiss, we didn't manage to witness Kaoru's reaction to that, because there was no appropriate moment for that up until now. I hope Kaoru's position to Ru-chan is clear. Kaoru might seem to be a little selfish here, but I think his actions and words are understandable. He doesn't have to like Ru-chan, because he's almost completely a stranger to him and Kyo's ex on top of that _

Two more chapters to go until the end ;)

Comments would be lovely, dears ^^


	10. Chapter 10

oOo the 20th of December oOo

My mobile continues to ring viciously and there's nothing else for me to do but to pick it up. But all I manage to do is to extend my hand with my eyes still closed and grope around for a moment or so until I feel the cool surface of the phone. I take it and then manage to crack one eye open and look who's bothering me on Sunday morning.

Die's name flashes on the screen. Odd. I push the button and put the phone to my ear.

"Hi, Die!"

"Hi, Kaoru! Hope I haven't woken you up?"

"You did, but it doesn't matter now. What's up? You sound very tired."

His voice actually sounds drained and very horse.

"Well, there's a reason I'm calling… I don't want Toshiya to be the first one to call you, because he will make it sound as if I was on my death bed."

"What?! What are you talking about?"

Now I feel wide awake. I sit in bed and glance at the clock. It's almost midday.

"I had a car accident."

"Are you OK?! What happened?!"

Kyo stirred next to me and the bed shifts a bit. He turns over on his back and looks at me with his sleepy, but worried eyes.

"Well, it's kind of stupid… I mean, it's my entire fault… I had too much in a bar and then decided to drive back home by myself. I think I fell asleep while driving, I was very tired and quite drunk after all…"

"What the fuck, Die?!"

Did he seriously drive while being drunk? How old is he? Fucking sixteen?

"So yeah… I just had a little accident."

"But are you OK?"

"Well, I've got my left leg and arm broken, some more broken ribs, a concussion, but I'll live, so it's no big deal!" he tries to laugh it off.

"When did it happen?"

"Ten days ago. I'm really surprised you don't know yet."

"Man… Die, your injuries sound serious!"

"They are, but I'm OK now. I really got lucky. The ambulance came very quickly. If they would have taken more time to arrive, I'd be dead now perhaps… But it's OK – I'm alive, aren't I?"

"Don't joke about things like that!" I can't help but say what I think. No wonder he's afraid Toshiya would have made it sound like he was dying. I bet Die has toned down his injury list and wants to just laugh it off.

"How are you now, Die? It must hurt like hell."

"Actually, I feel quite OK knowing what injuries I have. Surprisingly, the broken bones don't hurt. I'm still waiting for the drugs to stop working and for the pain to start. But my head and my chest hurt madly and I still feel nauseous and dizzy. But it's only expected. I mean, the car was completely trashed! It's a miracle I made it out alive with just a few broken bones!"

He stops talking as if suddenly realizing he told me too much.

"Me and Kyo will come to see you today, OK? Text me the address of the hospital you are in."

"OK."

"But seriously, Die, what were you thinking?!"

I hear him sigh and keep silent for a moment.

"I was just in a shitty mood about… many things. And I wanted to get wasted and forget all of them. But I didn't think I'd be so drunk as to not think before sitting by the wheel. I know it was stupid. I'm losing my driver's license for some time now, had to listen to my mother bitching about what a stupid decision it was and how I don't take care of myself. And Toshiya…"

Die falls silent suddenly. Come to think of it, we've never got to know if he and Toshiya got back together after all. They never told us and we didn't ask. And as me and Kyo became so horribly busy, we barely saw them a few times since summer.

"Was Toshiya the reason why you went out to get drunk in the first place?"

"Sorry, my mother is back, I gotta go."

"OK, I'll see you today. Bye!"

"Bye!"

I wonder if his mother really came in or if he just wanted to end the conversation. But I guess it doesn't matter.

"What happened to Die?" Kyo's voice stirs me from my thoughts. I turn to look at him.

"He had a car accident. He's in the hospital right now."

"Is he OK?"

I shrug.

"He sounded alive. That's good enough already, isn't it?"

Kyo smiles.

"We're going to see him, aren't we?"

"Of course!"

Kyo smiles wider and yawns.

"I'm so fucking sleepy" he mutters. I look at him more closely now. His scull tattoo on his chest and shoulder sticks out from the sheets and is glaring at me. I really like his tiger on the belly so much more than this thing. Kyo still wants more tattoos, but I don't know if I want him to have more or not. Though it doesn't matter, he's still going to do the way he wants.

At least I'm done with my tattoos. I got so much during such a short time, but I'm happy with the result. I love how both of my hands are fully covered in ink. It looks great. Kyo also thinks the same. I wish my mother would finally accept it as well. She hates my tattoos. I know she does, even if she never told me this directly.

Suddenly I feel Kyo's fingers touch my hand and look at him.

"It's our only free day from work" he says. I shrug. It's not as if we have a choice right now. I know we wanted to sleep in and just enjoy the day together.

I lie down and look him in the eyes.

"Yesterday was great" I say and Kyo lowers his eyes as if he suddenly became shy.

"It was" he murmurs silently and I can't help but laugh.

"What's with all this shyness suddenly, Kyo?"

"Yesterday was a little… over the top…"

"What are you talking about? It was great! We deserved some mad shameless fucking all night long! We've been working non stop for so long and so hard that a little reword our way was more than welcome!"

"I said some embarrassing things yesterday."

I laugh again and lift Kyo's chin with my hand making him look at me.

"What would those be, Kyo? You mean all the vulgar things that escaped your mouth while I was fucking you?"

Kyo nods, looking serious, but I can see a little smile at the corners of his lips.

"Wasn't last night just great, Kyo?"

"It was" Kyo whispers. "You've got such a great libido, Kaoru."

I don't want to brag, but we managed to do it four times last night! Our personal record! We went to sleep only around six in the morning. But it was a great night! We haven't touched each other for so fucking long that I was dying to finally get my hands on him.

Kyo leans closer and kisses me lazily. I kiss back, drawing my hand down and resting it on Kyo's chest.

"It's so annoying sometimes. I mean, we live together! Who would believe us if we told them we didn't have time for some private moments even after we get back home?"

"And if we did have the time, we were dead tired" I chuckle, remembering the days. The last few months were so busy for us and especially me as I still have Yoshiki's band as my side job. So we barely had a calm moment for a long time now.

"It's going to get even busier until January" I add. "But at least all goes well for us."

Kyo nods and closes his eyes.

"Hey! Don't fall asleep! We need to get up, have a shower and breakfast and then go to the hospital to visit Die."

"He chose the worst time to get in an accident" Kyo mutters angrily. "And what exactly happened?"

"He was drunk driving."

"Figures" Kyo snorts and sits. "Well, let's go see that lousy bastard. I bet he's in pain right now."

"Yeah… I wonder what's happening with him and Toshiya. We should have asked."

"Yeah, we should… but we've been living only for our band for so long that I'm not surprised we forgot all else in the world."

Our band he says. But I let it go this time. And maybe it is our band. I mean, it's really both of us putting in equal amounts of work and effort to make it work.

"Well, let's go and maybe we'll find out today."

Kyo nods and gets out of the bed. I watch him go out of the bedroom, his naked body from behind looking so stunningly beautiful to my eyes.

I close my eyes for a moment, letting myself relax for the last minute before another hectic day will start.

This Sunday had to be only for the two of us.

But I guess life has proved us both that usually nothing goes according to the plan.

oOoOoOo

When we enter the ward, I actually stop for a split second and stare at Die in the bed. Kaoru said Die had some bones broken and was roughened up a little, but what I see now is... Die's lying in the bed with his leg and arm in plaster, his head and chest bandaged, with bruises all over his body, he looks so pale and sick, and so weak as if even lifting his right unharmed arm took the rest of the energy he still had. He's got an IV in his right arm and some shit I don't even know the name of on his chest.

Though when the next second I make my legs move and we near the bed, Die cracks a small smile and greets us silently. Only then I see his mother sitting on a chair right next to his bed. I bow to her slightly.

"Hello" Kaoru greats them both and I manage to utter a silent 'Hi!' as well.

"Nice to see you, guys" Die says. He sounds tired. Perhaps he was feeling rested in the morning when he just woke up and called Kaoru, but later in the day he already got tired.

"You look like shit."

I don't even notice how I let the phrase slip out from my lips. It's too late that I remember that Die's mother is just right here. But she either doesn't hear or chooses to ignore my remark, as not even a smallest muscle twitches on her face. Her eyes are glued on Die all the time.

I feel Kaoru nudge me in the shoulder. Sometimes it irritates me a lot how he still thinks he has to lecture me how to behave myself as if I had no clue whatsoever!

"Thanks, Kyo. You're too kind" Die mocks me, but the smile remains on his lips.

"How are you feeling, for real?" Kaoru asks, but glances at Die's mother shortly. Perhaps he's also not very comfortable in her presence for some reason.

"I'll go get myself coffee" she suddenly says and stands up. "Will you stay here until I come back?" she asks us and Kaoru nods.

"We will."

"OK, I'll be back shortly."

She throws a very angry look at Die and only then leaves. We sit beside Die's bed now instead of her.

"Geez… she's driving me crazy" Die says and closes his eyes for a moment. "She doesn't stop annoying me with her constant reminders of how lucky I am to be alive."

"But you look just like that" I can't help but say it. "You look horrible, Die - like you barely made it."

"But I am alive, aren't I? What's the point in talking about it now?"

"Do you even want us to tell you that?" Kaoru says and his voice sounds much too cold for his usual caring nature.

"Don't you start that with me!" Die glares at him, but Kaoru doesn't even falter for a second.

"Die, if you behaved like a fucking adult, nobody would feel like they needed to lecture you. But you've been driving drunk and you're now here – barely alive and lucky to be fucking breathing. I really thought it wasn't that bad when you called me, but… Shit, Die, you look like you're about to collapse from all your injuries and exhaustion! And it's your entire fault!"

"I know that myself!" Die shots back and turns his head away from us, clearly unhappy and irritated.

We all keep silent for some time and it's a bit awkward. We used to be able to tell each other whatever we wanted, but now it appears that we can't anymore.

"Where's Toshiya?" I ask, unable to think of anything else to talk about.

"He should be here any minute now" Die mumbles his answer, still not looking at us.

"Die, hey" Kaoru puts his hand on Die's broken one gently, trying to get our friend's attention. Finally Die turns back to look at us.

"We're just worried. We don't want to lose a friend. Can you try to understand and appreciate that?"

"I can. I just don't want to hear any bullshit right now. I get that enough from my parents and Toshiya."

"And Toshiya?" I chuckle.

"Yeah…" Die lets out a long breath. "He's been the worst… He and my mother ganged up on me and all I hear from both of them recently is how I deserve the suffering I got… It's getting horribly annoying."

I want to only add that they're right, but I stop myself from doing that. Maybe I shouldn't rub salt in his wounds, so to speak.

As if on cue, the door opens and Toshiya comes in. His face is all red as if he was running, he breathes heavily, trying to hold many smaller and bigger bags in one hand and a take-out food bag and coffee in his other one. He kicks the door shut with his leg and stumbles over to Die's bed.

"Oh, hey guys!" he greets us. "You've heard the news finally?"

"Yeah, we did" Kaoru chuckles.

"Hi, Totchi!" I greet him.

"Hi, Kyo!"

Toshiya drops the bags on the floor and puts the take-out bag and coffee on the table.

"My lunch" he says, as if trying to justify himself. Then he turns to look at Die. "How are you feeling?"

"I'm alright" Die shrugs, but Toshiya doesn't seem to be convinced. He takes another chair and sits down by the table, takes out the food and chopsticks.

"I'm sorry, guys, but I'm going to eat. I'm starving."

"That's OK" Kaoru smiles to him.

I watch how Toshiya devours his chicken salad in huge bites while drinking coffee from time to time and I can't help but ask him.

"What's been keeping you so busy that you don't even have the time to eat?"

"Work" Toshiya mumbles with his mouth full. "Now when a certain someone has decided to enjoy himself with drunk-driving, there're a lot of things that have to be done because of the change in our schedule."

Die screws his face in dislike, but his lips are shut tight. He doesn't say anything back.

"I'm so absolutely angry on him!" Toshiya continues, ignoring Die. "He almost died! Barely made it!"

"But I did" Die mumbles quietly, a little hint of irritation in his voice. "Can we drop this already?"

"No, we can't!" Toshiya shots back. "Until it sinks in for you to not ever again do any stupid shit like that ever again!"

"I didn't do it on purpose!" Die shots back, getting angrier even more. "How many times do I have to repeat that to you?"

"I know you didn't crash your car on purpose, but you sat to drive knowing full well that you were fucking drunk! And that, my dearest, was so totally irresponsible and stupid!"

It seems like Die has a lot more to add, but for some reason he holds back. Toshiya continues to eat, now stabbing the food with the chopsticks furiously.

"I'm sorry" he says turning to us, "but I get so angry very easily lately. I can't seem to let go of my anger so easily."

"That's alright" Kaoru chuckles. "After all, somebody has to do that. I mean, get on Die's nerves for what he has caused upon himself."

Die turns to look out the window, looking offended and somewhat angry at all of us.

"How have you two been doing lately?" Toshiya asks, still munching on the food and ignoring Die's displeasure.

"We're all right, though very busy."

"I've bought your first single yesterday, actually. I thought it was great!"

"Thanks" Kaoru smiles. "I'm really happy you think so. We've been getting a share of criticism as well."

"Don't listen to any of that bullshit! They only try to find a chance to bite you, even if you don't really deserve it! I thought Kyo's voice was great! I never knew you could scream like that, Kyo!"

I only smile to him, barely holding back the words that want to slip out from my lips. I also never knew how powerful my voice was. But I trained it well while screaming from pain every day for over a year. So no wonder it changed a lot from what it used to be.

Toshiya finally finishes eating and puts the box aside.

"It took you some time to release it."

"Yeah… at first we had troubles with finding a label. Everyone was very reluctant to work with us."

"With me" I correct Kaoru. Everyone gladly would have worked with Kaoru, but nobody wanted me.

Toshiya stares at me for a moment.

"Huh… Well, at least all ended up well and you've got your first single out. And it's really good. Like, really really good. I think you're on the right path. I wouldn't worry too much over some stupid critics."

"Have you brought it for me to listen?" Die suddenly asks, turning to look at us again.

"Of course I did. I always keep to my promises."

Toshiya takes his coffee and drinks. I can't really understand what's actually going on with the two of them. Is Toshiya just angry and they are just bickering or have they split up and Toshiya's just visiting, because they've remained friends and coworkers?

"So what else is new with you?" Toshiya asks. "We barely see each other at all. When it used to be just me and Die busy, we managed to meet up from time to time, but now as the two of you are so busy as well, we never even see each other that much at all."

"But it's good to be occupied" Kaoru says. "It really is great to get immersed in making music. And making music for Kyo is the best thing ever."

"I can tell" Toshiya chuckles. He finished drinking coffee and after putting the cup aside, turns now fully to Die and takes the fingers and palm of his broken hand in both his ones and starts absentmindedly caressing them. I watch Toshiya's hands clasp Die's palm gently and see Die's fingers hold back lightly, as much as the cast going all the way to his wrist allows.

"My sister finally gave birth to her baby" I say, watching them, trying to get all the clues right. Are they just so used to each other that they don't even notice such little actions of affection? Or are they back together for real?

"And it's…?" Toshiya asks.

"A boy" I fill in. "A very big baby, actually" I chuckle, remembering the round chubby cheeks. My poor sis had to go through some trouble until the baby was finally born.

"How's everything else with you?" Die asks suddenly, looking at Kaoru. "How is everything with your parents?"

"Well… more or less the same… Though my parents have changed their attitude towards us a lot after the… trial."

Kaoru hesitates so much to even mention that. I look at him sympathetically, hoping that he'll understand that I don't mind him speaking about that.

"And yours, Kyo?"

"Mine?"

What does he expect? That my parents are already arranging a wedding for us?

"I haven't seen much of them as my mom has directed most of her attention to her grandchild lately."

"But is your farther talking to you now?"

"To me, yes."

But not to Kaoru. Or not about Kaoru. And thankfully I don't need to voice it out, they seem to understand it without me telling.

"I crave for a cigarette!" Toshiya says suddenly, breaking the uncomfortable silence. "Care to join me?"

"I'm not smoking anymore" I say.

"I'll join you" Kaoru stands up. "I still take a cigarette or two from time to time."

"Jeez, I'd kill for a cigarette" Die says, looking miserable.

"That's your own fault!" Toshiya says coldheartedly and stands up. "You'll stay here, Kyo?"

I nod. They both leave and I turn to look at Die.

"Maybe it's a good time to quit?" I ask. "It's not that hard as it looks."

Die shrugs.

"I think the first thing I'll do when I'll finally be able to stand on my both legs again, I'll go get a cigarette. You can't even imagine how much I crave for those."

"Does it hurt?"

"What exactly?" Die sniggers, amused by my question. "The broken bones or my head? Or my chest?"

"All of it?" I shrug. "You really look bad…"

"I'm not in much pain. They give me painkillers if only I ask. So I'm not in any horrible pain at least."

"That's good then" I smile at him. "But you know… even if you like to overdo with drinking, it never was like you to do stupid things like that…"

"I was just very upset that night" Die says, looking away for a moment. "I had many problems, many issues and Toshiya…"

He falls silent, not finishing his thought.

"But you know what, Kyo?" he turns back again to look at me. "I don't give this accident any prominence. I believe that if it was my time to die, I'd be dead now. But apparently it wasn't. Because otherwise I'd be so dead right now. I actually remember the moment of the accident itself… I remember just before the car crashed, I thought to myself 'that's it'. I thought this was the very last moment of my life…"

I put my hand on his healthy one, almost touching his elbow, and squeeze it gently.

"I know too well how it feels, Die."

He looks me right in the eyes and I can see so much sympathy towards me, so much affection and understanding.

"You know, Kyo, I never really got the chance to tell you this, but… but you've changed so much. Sometimes I don't even know how to talk to you, because the Kyo I knew when I was still in a band with him has never come back. What I see now in front of me is a very different man. A very bitter, sad and tortured soul. And most of the time I don't even know what to say to you, how to talk to you."

"I'm sorry…"

That's the only thing I can think of saying to him.

"Don't be" Die chuckles. "You know… once we talked with Totchi about you and he said that maybe you're like this only around others, maybe with Kaoru you're slightly different. Happier even."

I shrug, not really knowing if it's true or not. I never noticed I was so gloomy around everyone else. I draw my hand back and put it on my lap.

"I'm happy with Kaoru."

"Really?"

"Yes, of course. Why would I be with him if he made me unhappy?"

Die laughs and I watch his smile with envy in my heart.

"Don't take it the wrong way, Die, but I don't understand how the hell age has added beauty to you rather than taking it away?"

"What?"

"Well, in my opinion you look way better than you used to. I mean, not right now, because now you look like shit, but otherwise… You know what I mean?"

"I guess" he smiles. "You have a strange way of complimenting people, Kyo."

I shrug. Maybe I shouldn't have even said anything. But I truly think Die's hot. Maybe I just shouldn't go around telling that to people.

"I was meaning to ask you about Toshiya… I mean-" I shut up immediately when I hear the doors being opened. Die's mother comes back.

"Has Toshiya come back already?" she asks, looking at the small bags that Toshiya has brought.

"Yeah" Die nods reluctantly, looking apologetically at me.

"I hope he's eaten already? If not, he can go now as I'll stay with you for now."

"He's just eaten, mother" Die answers a bit irritated.

"I'm sorry, I haven't even had the chance to ask you how are you doing?" she turns to look at me.

"I'm fine, thank you."

"Daisuke is going to be here for the whole month, so please don't hesitate to drop by and visit him any time you want. I'm going to stay here for Christmas and New Year, but I won't be able to be here constantly. So it'd be great if his friends also visited him. It wouldn't be this lonely for my poor boy."

"Yes, of course."

We manage to have small talk for a few minutes until Toshiya and Kaoru come back.

"Toshiya, dearest, have you eaten?" Die's mother asks him.

"I just did" he says and takes a seat opposite Die's mother. I watch with my wide eyes as Toshiya takes Die's hand in his both hands again and starts caressing the back of Die's hand with his thumb. Die's eyes flutter sleepily and he closes them for a moment.

"I guess we'll be going now" Kaoru says, still standing, but his eyes are also glued on Die's and Toshiya's hands linked together. The most amazing thing for me is that Die's mother, even though obviously seeing this, doesn't even say a thing and actually smiles at Toshiya kindly.

"Be sure to come back again" she says, looking at us sincerely.

"We will" Kaoru smiles. "Get well, Die."

"Thanks" Die says, opening his eyes and looking at us for a moment. "Thanks for dropping by."

"No problem!"

"Goodbye" I bow to the three of them and follow Kaoru out of the ward.

We walk in silence for some time until I can't hold back my question any longer.

"Did you see how open they were about their relationship? I mean, Die's mother was there!"

"Are they still together?" Kaoru asks.

"Aren't they?"

"I don't know. I didn't ask Toshiya that. He was doing all the talking" Kaoru laughs. "But I got the impression they were…"

"I don't know, I didn't manage to ask Die that, even though I wanted to so bad."

"Toshiya said Die's mother has been treating him very well all the time. And he's very happy about that. He said they both are already planning on how to treat Die's drinking problem after his broken bones will heal. And as Die's mother will soon have to go back home, she'll leave all of that for Toshiya to coordinate and observe. So that's why she's been very friendly towards him."

"But… hasn't she seen them holding hands?"

"Maybe that was only a friendly gesture?"

I shrug. Whatever it was, I wish my parents were behaving themselves the same way Die's mother did.

"If they're still together, then I guess it's good for them that they finally have been acknowledged by at least Die's mother."

I nod. Good for them.

"So? Do you want to go home now?"

I hesitate only for a moment and nod.

"I wanna be home with you for the rest of the day."

Kaoru smiles gently and for a moment his fingers touch mine as if he wanted to hold hands with me, but at the last moment his fingers stop and he pulls his hand away.

"Then let's go home, Kyo."

I smile at him.

I now have him all to myself for the rest of the day.

oOo the 31st of December oOo

I love small and quiet streets. Though even in this considerably small town streets are full of people today. I guess everyone's either busy with preparation's for the New Year or already looking for a nice cozy place to eat the last meal of the year. That's exactly what we are now doing. Well, Kaoru is actually looking for such a place as he grew up here. I just follow him, waiting patiently until we will finally sit down to eat.

"Let's try this place" Kaoru says, turning back to look at me. "They used to have very delicious _soba_ in here."

I nod. We enter the small traditional restaurant and to our great relief there still are some unoccupied places. We take our seats and order food.

"You know, I always loved this particular custom of eating _soba_ on New Year's eve."

"Lately you seem to appreciate traditions more and more, Kyo" Kaoru chuckles and I just shrug.

"I like making myself occupied with completely normal things. I want my life to be as it used to. You know what I mean?"

Kaoru nods. And I know he knows too well what I mean.

The food arrives and we start eating in silence. I feel so tired. The time before New Year was so horribly busy – many meetings, many rehearsals, many shows. Now we have some days off and it's good to know that there aren't any pressing matters for some time. I really got tired from all of that.

"Are you OK, Kyo?" Kaoru suddenly asks and I get puzzled. Did I look worried to him? How does he always know?

"I'm OK… It's just… Everything and nothing at the same time."

"You did well, Kyo. I truly meant it when I said nobody even suspected you were freaking out before you had to go on stage. You managed to perform your best. You were totally great!"

I smile sheepishly at him. I'm not used to such praise.

"We've done only four lives so far, our very first four lives. And I'm still… I mean, I still can't get used to that. My legs still feel like jelly when I have to go up on the stage every time."

But I loved it. I didn't know I'd feel so happy singing to the crowd again. For the first time in many years I felt like I was really where I belonged, that I was finally doing something meaningful, something I loved, something I was good at.

I'm just not sure everyone agrees I am any good at singing anymore.

"The criticism was… too harsh" I mumble, starring down at the bowl of _soba_ in front of me.

"When they were ever favorable to us? When we still had Dir en grey, we also got much negative response. But that never stopped us in believing ourselves. Who knows where we'd now be if we never disbanded?"

"I hate it when they write shit about me. What difference is it for them that I'm half deaf in my left ear?"

"Kyo, you know they'd still find something else to write about. If not your ear, then it'd be something else."

"Like my past, my insanity, my relationship to you or your trial? They already wrote on all of that all over again!"

Kaoru takes a long breath and looks at me.

"Kyo, you knew these topics were going to be talked about again because you came back to sing."

"But it doesn't mean I have to like it."

"It doesn't. And I don't like it either. But we started it already. Our single is out, we had our first shows, interviews, photo-shoots and public appearances. Some of the people like you and some don't. You can't do anything about it."

I keep eating in silence, not really wanting to talk more about this.

There were some pretty nasty articles about me. Some questions I don't want to be answered were thrown into my face. But so far I let Kaoru do most of the talking and he's so good at that. He can end every conversation very professionally and tactfully. If it was me, I'd have already asked most of the people to fuck off. But Kaoru isn't like that, thankfully.

There were so many things to be done that I can't even remember all of them right now. We had a lot of work. I had to get used to public attention again and learn to behave myself respectfully to the people I was talking to. But even as much as I try to be social, I was already labeled as a strange, unsocial and weird artist. Some magazine called me an 'enigmatic singer, who was hard to talk to and even scary to approach, because his eyes were malicious and his whole posture screamed of how uncomfortable he felt while giving the interview'.

Not the nicest thing that was said about me.

But surprisingly comments like this only added popularity and interest in me for people. They seem to be attracted to my dark personality and mysteriousness.

Well whatever. I'm not about to make any image for myself. All I do is sing, write lyrics and appear for some photo-shoots. Aside from the meetings with the management and paper work, I leave it for Kaoru to decide and do everything else. Of course I help him with anything he needs, but when it comes to people, I try to avoid it as much as I can. I guess I shouldn't be surprised that I'm being called unsocial and withdrawn.

"I'm just afraid it won't work" I finally manage to make myself admit it loudly. "We invested so much money, time and effort in this and if we're going to fail…"

"Kyo, you're getting popular and popular by every day! I have no doubts about the success of this first single! So at least for now there's nothing really to worry about! The interest is much bigger than I have predicted. You're going to be just fine!"

I look skeptically at him, but don't say anything back.

I have my days when I think it's pointless and we're going to just fail and be laughed at. When I think nobody's interested in the music, only in my past and the real relationship between me and Kaoru.

But then I have days when I love the music, love to go on stage and sing, love to be around Kaoru all day long and love working with him.

I just still don't know if we'll get popular enough to make money for living or if we'll be a mediocre band earning something, but having to find an additional income as well. It's still too early to say that.

"Hey, Kyo" Kaoru calls me gently and I look at him. "It's our first day off, so let's not worry about it, OK? We have just started, and whatever happens, will happen. We won't back off anymore, so we either get famous or fail. And I really don't think we're that bad that we'd fail. I think your voice is too great to not attract any people's hearts."

I smile at him.

"I'm sorry… I should have more trust in you. You compose great songs, Kaoru. Perfect songs. And you're a good manager. A perfect leader. I don't ever see you failing at this."

"So what's the problem then?" he smiles.

"The problem is me" I say seriously to him. "My lack of faith in our success, my horrid nature when it comes to dealing with people and all other complexes and fears."

"We'll deal with all of that, you just have to stop worrying."

I don't manage to say anything else as my cell starts ringing. And when I see that it's my mother calling, I feel less inclined to pick it up. But I have to.

"Hey, mom" I greet her, praying that the conversation wouldn't end badly this time.

"_Hi, dearest. How are you?_"

"I'm fine. I'm now having dinner with Kaoru."

"_So you're really not coming to celebrate New Year with us?_"

I knew she was going to still try asking me to come.

"No, mom, I told you, I'm spending the night with Kaoru and his parents."

She keeps silent for a moment, clearly not happy with this.

"_I wanted to have the whole family at the dinner table and then go to shrine with both of my children and my first grandson. Tooru, why would you not come? You still have some time._"

"I told you already. If you don't want Kaoru as well, then I'm not coming either."

She keeps silent and I pray that she wouldn't start arguing again. She's been more patient with me after what happened this year and I thought I felt some change in her behavior towards Kaoru, but so far she's never visited me or been around me and Kaoru, so I don't know if I'm just imagining all of this change in my head. At least she stopped asking me to make Kaoru move out and leave me.

And she's been very supportive of my career. As she said, a job is better than doing nothing at all. She's happy I finally started to do something with my life again.

My farther is also content I started working again, but that's as much as we talk now. I don't know what to say to him most of the time and it's not like he actually talks to me. I try to not even mention Kaoru's name when I talk to my farther on the phone. The only time I did, he hung up on me. I really don't want to lose him, so I try my best to be the son he wants. But I guess I must admit at least to myself that I am failing hard at this.

As long as Kaoru will be in my life, my farther will never look at me the same.

"_OK, as you wish_" she says and her voice sounds very displeased. "_Bye!_"

"Mom, I-" but she's already hung up on me.

I put the phone on the table and look at Kaoru. He looks concerned.

"Maybe you really should have gone to spend New Year with your family this time?"

"I wanted to be with you."

Kaoru doesn't say anything to this, just lowers his eyes and proceeds eating.

I also wanted to really make sure Kaoru's parents kept no grudge against me. After all, Kaoru was in police custody for so long just because of me. And just because of me he was almost shot. It's really not surprising I wanted to suck up to his parents right now.

We finish our dinner in silence and then turn back to go to his parents' house. The hustle in the streets and crowds irritate me a lot. But how do you escape that? Even in such a relatively small town there're many people. I just have to learn to remember _he_ is not among them anymore.

We get back to his parents house and just hang out in the living-room for the rest of the evening, waiting for Kaoru's father to get back home. His mother is busy in the kitchen and we don't disturb her.

I'm still not used to being here. I feel guilty in front of his parents. But Kaoru's mother tries very hard to make me feel like at home, so it's not that stressful for me.

I try to enjoy our day off and think of only good things.

Like the Christmas Eve.

If you spend it with your lover, it means the relationship is a very serious one. Or at least that's what people tend to think.

Of course, me and Kaoru spent it together. We didn't have much time as we were going to one of those music TV shows that had a special Christmas show. We talked a little (well, I said a couple of sentences and Kaoru did the rest of the talking) and then performed one song. When all was done, it was already almost 11 in the evening. So there wasn't much left to do.

But Kaoru had a small surprise for me. He had booked a table in a restaurant for the whole evening, so that whenever we would come, it would be ready for us. I bet he paid a lot for this on Christmas Eve, but we had a great time.

I actually enjoyed sitting by the window with the view of the city below us, spreading all the way to the horizon, listening to live music and having a great dinner, just resting after the stressful day. I loved how candles lit Kaoru's face in a warm yellow glow, and how his smile was so gentle and loving, and directed only at me.

If somebody would have seen us then, I'm sure there wouldn't have been any more doubts as to what our relationship was really like.

That night we came back home when it was already dawning. On a whim, and because we had the morning free of any work, we went to the beach to watch the sea. It was cold and windy, but I still loved walking with Kaoru by the shore, with barely any people around us at that time of the night.

It's been a long time since I had such a calm evening, so I loved every second of it. Even the seemingly romantic stroll by the sea.

With the TV on in a room I still don't see and hear a thing – I'm deep in my thoughts. Only when Kaoru's father finally comes back, I have to get back to reality. We dress up and later in the night go to the shrine together.

I'm trying my best to be invisible to Kaoru's parents, so that they wouldn't feel uncomfortable with me around, but Kaoru's mother is so kind to me that soon I relax and forget all my doubts and worries.

We go to the nearest shrine with what seems like the rest of the town. There're a lot of people out tonight. But I keep close to Kaoru, so it doesn't bother me that much tonight.

When we reach the shrine, we make our way to the stairs. There's a white sheet covering the stairs as usual and there already are many coins and paper money lying on it. We edge closer to the stairs and take our places. I fish out from the pocket the coins and throw them on the stairs together with everyone else. Then I clap my hands and pray.

This year I pray for only one thing – I pray for Kaoru to be happy, healthy and lucky. I pray for him to succeed in everything he does. I pray for good health to his family and to my own. And then, on the very selfish note in the end, I pray for Kaoru to always be with me.

When I straighten up to look at him, I see Kaoru smiling at me, already done with his prayers. We leave his parents at the stairs for some time and head to find the shrine maidens selling fortune. Me and Kaoru shake the box with numbered bamboo sticks and the girl gives us our fortunes according to the numbers we got.

"Wow! I'll be very lucky next year!" Kaoru laughs. "What about you, Kyo?"

I look at mine.

"Mine's the middle – not very lucky, but not unlucky either."

"It's better this, than unlucky" Kaoru smiles. We tie our fortunes on the same branch of a tree and go to look for snacks. When finally the four of us get home, it's already well past midnight.

Kaoru's mother rushes all of us to the kitchen and we have some tea before going to sleep. My least favorite part is getting up early to watch the sunrise, but Kaoru said he always does that and he's not about to skip this custom this year.

So I obediently nod and finish my tea. I excuse myself earlier than everyone else and go to bed leaving Kaoru and his parents in the kitchen.

Despite everything, today was a good day.

oOoOoOo

I'm not surprised when Kyo leaves before any of us to sleep. My dad follows him soon after leaving me and my mother in the kitchen alone. I still feel somewhat hungry, so she makes me a snack.

"This year has been very hard" she says, looking at me. "I prayed for the end of your hardships, dearest."

"Thanks, mom" I smile to her.

"I wanted to ask you what it really is like with your new project with Kyo? Do you have much trouble?"

"Well… I would be very surprised and suspicious if there wasn't any trouble. Of course there are… issues that we have to deal with, but so far it's been good. And Kyo manages to deal with his problems and stage phobia quite well."

"Do you think it will work? The new band?"

"I want it to work, but only time will tell how it will really be like. But so far we're doing fine, so who knows. I just really hope we will succeed."

"But what about your other job with that other band?"

I chuckle. It's almost funny how my mother doesn't know any band names other than the ones I was actually a part of.

"I'm still keeping that job. Though it's getting harder and harder to find the time for both projects."

And if the time issue will get worse, I will have to disappoint Yoshiki and his band.

"So you might say all is going well?"

"I guess so…"

My mom smiles and sips her tea, thinking about something.

"Kaoru, I know we didn't really have the time to talk, but there was something I was meaning to tell you after that incident."

I look at her, waiting for her to continue.

"After being in the trial and hearing your story of what exactly happened, I became so worried about you. You're just like your father, Kaoru. He is very loyal and so are you. If once you committed to someone you love, you'll give all you've got to that person. And it scares me a lot to know you're ready to give even your life for Kyo if only it was needed."

She looks me in the eyes and I see so much worry in them.

"But also I'm very proud. I'm so very proud of you."

I smile at her, not really knowing what to say. She extends her hand over the table and gently puts her fingers over my wrist.

"I've raised an honorable and proud man."

"I have my flaws, mother" I say, feeling a little ashamed because of all the praising.

"Everyone has their flaws" she smiles, agreeing. "But it doesn't change anything."

She squeezes my wrist with her fingers stronger and then lets go. I watch her already wrinkled hand disappear under the table and rest on her knees.

"Thank you for being so nice to Kyo" I say, feeling the need to voice my gratefulness.

"You don't need to thank us for that" she says. "He's nothing but a victim of a cruel fate. Life has treated him so bad. He is lucky only of one thing – that he has you, Kaoru."

"You make me sound like a saint" I mumble.

"You're not a saint, Kaoru!" she laughs, clearly amused by this thought. "But you have been loyal to him for so many years. I think that not everyone could have sacrificed everything for the person they… loved" she whispers the last word, still not really comfortable with it.

"I do love him" I say, feeling I need to make sure she really knows that.

"I can see that, but…"

I watch her, waiting for her to finish. But I can guess what exactly is still bothering her.

"I'm sorry, Kaoru, but it is still hard for me to imagine that particular aspect… I know perfectly well how a man loves a woman, but... I mean… I can understand the feelings itself, but to go beyond that… how can you possibly desire anything… more…"

This is not the kind of conversation I would like to have with my mother, but if that's what's bothering her, I guess I need to comply if I want her total support.

"Mom, you've seen Kyo back then, when we were visiting? Do you remember how he was like? He couldn't do a thing on his own. Do you think after so much time of dressing him, washing and doing all the rest, his body is something that I would be repulsed at?"

She lowers her eyes for a moment, clearly feeling uncomfortable.

"I don't mean him in particular, I mean…"

"Mom, I was always into men."

To hell with it. I guess I needed to voice it out many years ago. And the way she's been so supportive for us until now, I think I can test my luck and check her boundaries of tolerance.

She looks at me as if I forced her to swallow a bitter pill.

"I'm sorry, maybe I shouldn't be praying into this part of your life, Kaoru. But it's just that… this decision affects not only your personal matters, but it affects us as well."

"I'm sorry."

She shakes her head.

"I made my peace a long time ago. I'm not blind or stupid. I know what kind of relationship the two of you have in all aspects… But then there are relatives, friends, neighbors and now even press. When you released your new single people got interested in your personal life as well. They seek us out and ask question and I have to pretend I don't have answers for them. I even had to lie at some point.

What I want to say is that I want to know if this is completely serious between the two of you. Only if it is, I can stand up for you when I myself would be sure that this is not just some whim of yours. Also, if Kyo was a woman, I would know where this is going – you would get married, have children and live a happy life. But now what do I tell? What is there in the future for the two of you? What kind of future can you possibly have?"

I look at her a little taken aback.

"We will just… be together."

That's the best answer I can give her. Or even myself. That's my one and only plan – be with Kyo together, as long as we will be allowed.

"And is that enough for you? Is that truly all you ever wanted?"

"Mom, I… I've wanted Kyo since the day I met him…"

I didn't know I could say things like that to my mother. I never thought I could. But now I feel like I have to be completely honest. She has accepted us, she and my farther together, they have accepted us. So I can only repay them with honesty. I'm not going to pretend me and Kyo are just close friends. Because we're more than that.

"But for how long will it last?"

This question irritates me a lot. I want to say 'forever', but what the fuck do I know? Shit, this day's been perfect. Why the hell she wants to screw it up in the end?

"What do you imagine you will be like in ten years? Twenty?"

"I imagine myself still working with Kyo, making music for him and with him, living together and just enjoying the life."

"Is it what he also wants? For how long will he need you? Until you make him be popular again? Until he starts getting spoiled by the public attention and have admirers throwing themselves at him?"

"Stop this right now" I say to her, finally getting really irritated. "I have no doubts about him. And if we will ever separate, _if_ that will ever happen, we will still remain friends for the rest of our lives. Or more like brothers or… just very very close, because we are. And I don't know how to prove it to you. All I know is that I have no doubts myself."

She studies my face for a second and smiles, accepting my explanation.

"I'm sorry, Kaoru. I'm just concerned."

Well this is nothing new. She always worries about me.

"You worry too much, mother. Even over the good things."

The moment the phrase slips out from my lips, I freeze and the next second I start laughing so loud and hard, I even have tears in my eyes. My mother now looks at me like I have finally gone crazy, trying to understand what was so funny about that.

When I finally calm down enough that I am finally able to speak, I take a deep breath.

"Sorry, sorry! I guess now I know why I'm such a control freak myself."

"That's not a nice thing to say about your mother" she says as if scolding, but when I look at her, I see her smiling at me playfully and I just smile back.

"Mom, maybe it's _sake_ taking control over me, but I guess I want to finally have it out in the open. I mean, if there's anything else that's bothering you, just tell me right now. I want to finally clear things up between us fully."

She thinks for a moment, but then just smiles and caresses my cheek with her hand gently.

"No, Kaoru, dearest, I think it was all I wanted to say to you."

She withdraws her hand and smiles wider.

"I'm really proud of you despite everything. And I'm happy you found your own happiness finally. Even if I can't understand it to the fullest."

There's nothing more to add, I guess.

I finish eating my snack and excuse myself. There are not so many hours left before the sunrise and I'd really love to sleep until then.

I go upstairs to my room. Even though it's dark in there, I don't stumble upon anything. I know where all things are and easily make my way to the futon on the floor, strip from my clothes and lie down.

For some time I just lie there with my eyes open, listening to Kyo's calm breathing just right next to me, on the futon near mine. My eyes get used to the darkness and I finally can make out the contours of Kyo's body huddled up in the blanket.

"Kaoru?"

I flinch from unexpectedness.

"Yeah?"

I hear him shuffle as he turns around to face me.

"I didn't know if I heard you coming back or if I dreamed it" Kyo mumbles, his voice laced with heavy sleep.

"You didn't dream it" I chuckle, trying to make out his face in the darkness. "Sleep now, Kyo."

He doesn't move for a minute or so and I think he's already fallen back to sleep, but then he suddenly extends his hand and gropes around blindly, looking for me. I extend my hand and catch his in the middle of the movement. He entwines our fingers and rests his hand on the futon now.

This sudden need of affection confuses me for a moment. But it's lovely, a little unlike him, but heart-warming nonetheless.

It takes just a few moments for his grip to loosen up as he falls back to sleep again. I draw his hand carefully to my lips and kiss the back of his hand gently, then push it back to him.

"Goodnight, Kyo-kun" I whisper and finally close my eyes myself.

To fall asleep next to the greatest love of my life – next to Kyo in flesh and bones, alive and breathing, healthy and safe from all harm – and to wake up in the morning together with him, a little grumpy so early in the morning, but lovable nonetheless.

What a good way to start the new year.

**TBC**

Comments would be lovely… ^^


	11. Chapter 11

**Author comment: **The last chapter :) I really hope the sequel lived up to everyone's expectations. I enjoyed writing it, so it'd be great if I wasn't the only one loving this so much ^^ Hope you'll love the ending – I did XD Thanks for all your comments 3 I always enjoyed reading them ^^

So… now to the last chapter…

oOo

the 2nd of August 2011

The excitement still lingers in me when I drop the mic and after starring at the crowd for just two more seconds go off the stage into the darkness of the backstage. People make way for me to go by. Somebody extends me a towel in their hands and wordlessly I take it, putting it over my head. I'm all sweaty, hot and tired. My throat aches as always after an intense live. But I feel great.

It's been a long time since I enjoyed singing so much. We had a long break in the studio, recording an album and this first concert after a break feels so fucking great. I sang for myself, sang starring at nothing, concentrating only on how I felt and how I wanted to be like, how I wanted my voice to sound like.

And I think I nailed it. For once I feel fulfilled and happy after a show, even if I'm exhausted and my throat feels sore.

I go all he way back to the changing room and fall down on the ground in the corner where there would be less chance for somebody to see me right away. I sit there for some time, simply trying to catch my breath and to make my racing heart slow down.

"Here you are" I hear Kaoru's husky voice unexpectedly and lift my head to look at him. I didn't hear how he came in.

He slumps down next to me tiredly and smiles.

"You seemed to enjoy yourself as never before" he smiles a little, looking me in the eyes.

"I did…" I push back my head until I feel the back of it rest on the wall and stare at the ceiling. "Even God himself came down to watch me perform and listen to my voice."

Silence follows this statement and after another moment I glance at Kaoru. His expression is a mixture of confusion and amusement. I smirk at him.

"Just keep up the good work, Kyo" Kaoru finally says. "You were amazing tonight."

"You too."

He smiles more and we sit in silence. There's always not much time to rest after each show. We can only do that when we finally get back to hotel or home. There's one more show tomorrow, so this time we're heading for hotel.

Suddenly I hear somebody clear his throat and we both turn to look at the direction of the door. Ru-chan is standing there, looking a little uncertain.

As soon as Kaoru sees him, his face hardens a little and he stands up heavily, suddenly looking very tired.

"I'll go for a moment. I've got some last things to do" he announces. I nod and he leaves. I also stand up and go to sit on a chair.

"So, was it worth it to come to Kyoto for tonight?" I ask Ru-chan, who takes a seat next to me.

"Definitely!" he laughs. "You were great, Kyo! The best! Even better than you used to be! Your voice is wonderful!"

I smile shyly, not knowing what to say back to all the praise.

"Thank you so much for inviting me and getting me this VIP access!"

"You know I didn't mind" I smile at him and lean on the table. "It's great that you could come. I haven't seen you for so long."

"Yeah…"

I rest for a moment and Ru-chan lets me catch my breath as I'm still so flushed.

I have invited him to see the live and later go out with us, have dinner and some drinks. It's great seeing him after so much time.

"Kaoru-san isn't thrilled to see me…" he says silently.

"He's not against you, he's just…"

I should say still jealous, but there's nothing to be jealous about. Not anymore.

"He doesn't like to share me, even with my friends. Or actually, with my only friend" I can't help but laugh. "He's a little too overprotective, so just don't mind him, OK?"

Ru-chan smiles at me.

I'm happy I managed to help him forget his problems if only for this one evening. And I missed him a lot. And if Kaoru still thinks he needs to be jealous, then it's his problem he's this stupid.

"I'll go change now, OK?" I stand up, finally feeling like I can make myself move again. "We'll be able to go out in an hour or so."

"OK" Ru-chan smiles at me. "I'll wait here."

I take my clothes and head for the shower.

I'm a little nervous of spending an evening with the two of them, but I hope my Kaoru is really civil and sane enough not to make unnecessary drama. I'd love it if they could be friendly with each other.

Because apart from my ex-band mates, Ru-chan is the only friend I've now got.

oOo

the 4th of August 2011

I hear the water start running in a shower and close my eyes for a moment. I feel dizzy and tired, but wide awake for some reason. I open my eyes and stare at the ceiling now. The hotel's bed feels too soft for some reason, but I lie there stiff, not moving, starring at white ceiling.

It's already past 2 A.M. We'll have to get up early and head to see my mother. Her sudden need to see me makes me somewhat nervous. Especially when she said to bring Kaoru along. We stayed in hotel for one more night just because of her. I hope she just wants to see me and knows I won't come unless Kaoru will be allowed to come as well.

Kaoru looked so gorgeous tonight. Like a real rock star. Sometimes it still amazes me how fresh and handsome he looks to me, even if I already know him inside out. I don't know if it's humanly possible to love somebody more than I love Kaoru, to depend on somebody even more than I depend on him.

Perhaps only mothers love their children deeper.

Me and Kaoru – we're right after them.

What a weird mood I am in…

It's just that… I need him so much and I can't even think of losing him.

Did Kaoru love me this much already when he confessed his feelings to me after the concert? Then when I was gone, when I had been started to be considered as dead, what the hell he must have felt then? How did he bear it?

A shiver runs down my spine.

I can't imagine myself in his place. I'd be devastated if Kaoru went missing for so long.

It's scary how much he loves me…

How could he possibly still desire me after I told him what I had been forced to go through? I would have been repulsed to have sex with a person who's been fucked inside out by some psycho and by… by…

How can he say he wants me this much?

I was nothing more than a mental patient, sitting in my own excrements and literary doing nothing the entire day. What part of that did he love?

The water stops running in a shower and I turn my head slowly to look at the direction of the bathroom.

Suddenly a desire strikes me and I jump up and run to the bathroom, open the doors widely and catch Kaoru by surprise standing naked and drying his hair with a towel. He jumps very slightly from unexpectedness, but then rewards me with a smile.

"Need to use the toilet this badly?" he chuckles, looking at me. I shake my head.

"No. I just wanted to see you naked."

By all means, I have no idea why on earth he blushed after hearing that. Even if it was the slightest of all blushes, it still crept on his face. Kaoru stared at me for a second and I could see how he became somewhat self-conscious. He turned to the side a little, half-hiding his penis from my sight.

"Why's that?" he asks, lowering his hands and putting a towel around his waist now.

I just go up to him, take the towel away and unceremoniously drop it on the floor, exposing him to my eyes again. I look him over, from his wet hair, his small neck, wide muscular chest, his belly and his hips, his cock and his legs, and wet feet. Then my eyes go up again, but stop in the middle, at the part that gives me pleasure so often.

It's all so familiar to me. I love this part of his body, but I also hate it sometimes. I can never look at him without for a moment seeing that other sickening dick in front of my eyes.

Sadly, they both were somewhat similar in size, width and length.

Believe me, I know that too well. I've spent hours at caressing and fondling Kaoru between my fingers, but I have also spent countless of hours being forced to touch that other hairy piece of red meat and skin with the same arms.

It took me some time to get used to Kaoru fully and be comfortable with him. With all of him.

"What's wrong, Kyo?" I hear Kaoru's voice. "You're being weird."

I finally look up at him, at his eyes. They're always so gentle when they are directed at me. And that makes the whole difference.

I step closer to him and lean on him, putting my weight on Kaoru's chest. I feel his hands go round my shoulders as he hugs me lightly.

"What's wrong, Kyo-kun?"

I don't know where all of this anxiety is coming from and why all of a sudden I feel that. But I don't feel like talking right now and telling him anything. I only want to feel loved. To feel his body over mine. I need it so much.

I push myself fully to him and rub my hips on him slightly, but it's all it takes for Kaoru to feel that I've got the beginning of a boner in my pants.

"Please, do something about it" I murmur, feeling so desperate for his touch.

Kaoru doesn't say anything, but pushes me away from himself and starts to undress me. I should have taken a shower first. I'm sweating like a pig, I stink of cigarettes from the bar and cheap vodka.

The moment I step from my boxers, Kaoru pushes me against the wall, but I get away from his grip and get in the shower cabin and turn the water on. It hits me and I immediately feel my head get clearer, my mind free.

Kaoru steps back in the shower again and puts his hands on my chest, then slowly rubs them on my skin everywhere, washing away the sweat from my body with water. I close my eyes and lean on the wall behind me. I feel Kaoru's hands everywhere, until they slowly reach their destination, carefully wrap around my penis and start pumping me.

I open my eyes and look down.

Kaoru is kneeling in front of me, one of his hands at the base of my cock, other one enclosing the length, stroking it, but his eyes are watching my face intently.

"Please, Kaoru…" I whisper, I want it so bad. "Please…"

He lowers his head and I feel his lips on the head of my penis, the tongue slowly tracing circles around it, until slowly he engulfs all of me with his mouth.

My hands find their way in his hair and I grip the strands tightly, for a moment forgetting that it might be painful for him. I buck up to meet his mouth, I control the rhythm of his movements with my hands on his head, but refuse to close my eyes.

How many times I was in this position instead – kneeling, naked, beaten up, sore and hurt, taking filthy ugly piece of meat in my mouth, being forced to swallow the cum I hated so much, feeling the eyes on me and knowing there was nothing I could do.

How I hated that. To the very core of my heart I hated that.

I hated sex on the whole. Hated being naked and looked at, hated being forced to suck on that hairy distorted piece of pink meat wrapped in the wrinkly old skin, oozing with sickening sour cum, hated to be forced to lie down and not to object when my legs would be spread, when all that I should have been able to show only on my free will exposed to the eyes of a degenerated scum, hated to be torn apart while fucked, fucked against my will so many times that number became irrelevant, fucked mercilessly, forcefully, without any protection, any lube, any preparation, any desire, with no need building up inside me, just a flat cock bouncing up and down with each pounding thrust I had to take.

How did I ever manage to come to enjoy all of that over again?

I tighten my hold on Kaoru's hair, almost pulling it out and my hands clench into fists.

My hips thrust forward on their own accord and I hear Kaoru gag, he coughs for a second, but I don't let him pull back. One of his hands now descends on my hip, right on the tiger as he tries to balance the force of my thrusts.

I don't let him go. He stops gagging and quickens the pace, hardens his hold on me and the whole deal becomes much rougher.

I watch him getting me off, but when I feel the orgasm coming, I can't help but close my eyes. My whole body numbs for a second, a shiver runs through me, shaking my whole body, making my mind blanc for those blissful few seconds. I grip Kaoru's hair in my fist and thrust his face forward, making him swallow all of me, his nose hits the skin over my cock and buries itself in my pubic hair.

I think I hear him gag and cough and struggle with the sudden invasion, but for a moment I just don't care. My whole penis is in his mouth, I feel the head hitting his throat somewhere deep inside and it gets me off even harder. His teeth are just over the base, his tongue wriggling and struggling underneath, adding more sensations with its pathetic attempts to help swallow.

One second.

Two seconds.

Three.

Four.

Five.

Six…

I open my eyes slowly and blink confusedly, the water running from the shower irritating me for the first time.

My grip on Kaoru's head loosens up and as soon as he feels that, he pushes my hands away and releases my dick from his mouth. He sits back and spits the cum on the tiles of the shower. He does a shitty job of it as some of the cum gets stuck to the corner of his mouth. There's still some of it left on the head of my penis as well.

I draw my hands back and support myself by putting them on the wall, still finding hard to breathe normally. I slowly slide down and sit as well, finally feeling really exhausted and tired.

Silence.

I lift my eyes and look at Kaoru now. He's looking back at me. I lift my hand lazily and wipe the remains of my cum from his mouth. He catches my hand when I want to lower it again and draws it to his lips, kisses my fingers one by one and doesn't let go even after that.

"I thought you were through that already" he says, his voice sounding silent and a little upset.

"I'm sorry."

I lower my eyes and want to take my hand from his, but he doesn't let go. Instead, he takes my hand by wrist and forces me to lean into him, embracing me. I put my head on his chest, but don't dare to circle my arms around him.

He does that instead of me and there's no way to escape. I'm in his embrace fully.

"I thought it won't be like that again… it's been almost four months already…"

"I'm sorry…" I can only repeat again. I truly feel sorry.

Kaoru sighs and kisses me on the head. I feel water falling on my legs and ass, washing away the remaining evidence of the violent intercourse that just took place.

"Kyo…" he says and his voice is heavy with emotions. "It doesn't matter… I understand…"

He doesn't say anything more. And I'm glad he doesn't.

I don't know how much time passes, but I just feel him suddenly helping me up.

I scrub myself half-heartedly and dry my red from hot water skin with the towel.

When we lie down, he turns off the light.

I don't dare to touch him, but as if knowing that Kaoru himself takes me in his arms again and kisses my lips gently, somehow finding them in the dark.

"Goodnight, Kyo."

I close my eyes, keeping my lips tight and shut.

His warm body feels wonderful against me.

Kaoru.

I wish you knew how much I love you.

I wish you knew just how much I really came to love you.

oOoOoOo

We step inside and take our shoes off. She watches us in silence and when we're done, leads us to the kitchen. We sit at the table and she puts on a kettle.

"Tear or coffee?" she asks.

"Coffee" Kyo says.

"For me coffee as well."

She silently takes out three cups and pours sugar in them.

"You look very tired" she says.

"We just had two concerts in a row, mom, we are tired."

"Well I won't keep you long, just for an hour or so and you can go back home."

She finally turns to us and smiles a little.

"Tooru, dearest, could you run to the store for some fresh buns with jam? Please? I didn't have time to do that myself."

He glances hesitantly at me, then at her, but stands up nonetheless. I feel like it's déjà vu all over again. And it leaves me a little uncomfortable. But Kyo stands up and leaves. And his mother, as I have guessed, turns to look at me.

She takes a place at the table in front of me and looks me in the eyes.

"I wanted to talk to you in private."

I nod. I already figured out that much.

"First of all, I wanted to thank you for saving Tooru. I am really grateful. If not for you, he'd now be gone again and perhaps never coming back this time."

I look at her baffled, but manage to utter a silent grunt in approval.

"I do love my son, I don't want you to think any other way. Just because I didn't take him home when he was found back then, it doesn't mean I don't love him."

I keep silent. I try to understand why would she feel she needs to justify her actions before me right now, after so much time.

"Though there was a reason why I allowed him to be left in the mental institution instead of taking him back home with myself. And that reason is my husband."

I stare at her, completely lost, but very curious all of a sudden.

"My husband didn't let me – that's the only reason there was. Of course, I had a job, but I was ready to quit and stay home with my son, but my husband didn't want to hear anything about it. He didn't want to see Tooru – the way he was back then – at home. He said if he was in doctor's supervision and care, he was better of there, than at home."

She stops for a moment and intertwines her fingers, wringing her hands nervously.

"I couldn't object to that, though I've tried… But he was unmovable on that decision. He didn't want a son like that in his house…"

She clears her throat and looks me in the eyes now.

"The only reason I agreed to let you take him home with yourself was that I thought Tooru would be better with someone, even if it was only a friend, than with strangers, where they nurses or not. I though he'd be taken care of better, he'd be constantly around someone who cared about him and I thought that this might do him more good that the institution.

Now nobody would tell us if Tooru would have recovered if he was still staying in the institution or not. But I certainly didn't expect that your intentions were… different… It's very hard for me, as a mother, to think what you might have done to him when he wasn't able to defend himself…"

"What do you mean by that?"

She still manages to insult me, even if she started with thanking me for once.

"Aren't you attracted to my son physically?" she challenges me, starring me right in the eyes.

"Yes, I am. But never, never in the whole time while he was not like himself back then, did I so much as touched him inappropriately!"

I stand up, not willing to listen to more of this bullshit.

"Sit down, Niikura-san" she says calmly and I freeze, but still am ready to get out of the kitchen if needed.

"I believe your word. Sit down and don't cause drama here."

I snort angrily, but still sit down.

"I was in the court after all. You saved Tooru's life, risking yours… and risking to get sentenced to jail… I don't need any more proof of your loyalty to my son."

Alleluia! Finally! Took her quite long!

"But it doesn't mean I have to like you. Still, I have asked you two to come here today for a reason. Tooru's farther is away for the day, so he won't come and see you here. That would definitely be the final blow to his and Tooru's relationship.

What I wanted to tell you more is that I don't appreciate that you keep him away from his family during the holidays. His farther was very angry that Tooru didn't come to spend New Year with us."

"I didn't force him not to come, it was his choice."

"It doesn't matter. You had to persuade him and make him come!"

"If he doesn't want to, then he doesn't have to!"

"You are this old and still so foolish!" she sneers angrily at me. "My husband is very displeased with Tooru and they have now a very edgy relationship. If something happens that will cause them to drift apart forever, I will never be able to die peacefully. My husband is very disappointed with his son, with the way of life he chose, and even on the smallest reason he will exclude him from his testament."

I raise my eyebrows in surprise.

"He will leave nothing to Tooru. If they will stop talking for good and if it so happens that I will be the one to die first, Tooru will get nothing. I know he started earning money again and maybe he would not need anything at all, but… But my heart breaks at thinking he'd be forever banned from our family, that all that I have created throughout my life will only be left for one of my children.

All I ask is some understanding from you. My husband will not ever accept what you two have and you have to learn to live with that. It's you two who have to adjust to my husband's needs and wishes. He is willing to see Tooru and to talk to him, but only him alone. So let them! Let them have this relationship, even if it's tense now. It will get better with time!

My husband is determined to ignore the fact that Tooru wants to be with you and it's a huge step for him! But the more Tooru will try fighting his father's need to ignore you, the less inclined my husband will be to see his son at all! And it means I won't be seeing him as well."

For the first time since I first met her, I felt for her. She still hated me, but at the same time she was so dependant on me now.

"They're almost on good terms, but if there's going to be even a little disagreement again, it's going to have fatal consequences… Though Tooru already is trying to adjust so much to his farther than I ever thought possible…"

"I never wanted him to get separated from his family" I finally say, looking at her. "I promise, I'll do all I can to help him get back on good terms with his farther. I know it would make him happy."

"Thank you" she says, and for the first time I am completely sure she is being sincere and honest with me. I guess it's the first time ever she's shown me some kindness.

"And what about your parents?" she asks. "How do they treat Tooru?"

"They're great to him" I reassure her. "After what has happened they started treating him like their own son."

And this makes me feel so happy and proud. At least my parents have finally accepted our relationship and the fact that it's not going to end.

Kyo's mother sighs and looks down at the table. She seems to me very tired and defeated. For the first time ever I feel sorry for her. She's just a mother, trying to take care of her son the only way she knows. She does what she thinks is right.

"I just wish everything would be as it used to… I'm so afraid to lose him. It only takes a little wrong word or phrase and my husband will forbid Tooru to put his feet in this house."

"But why should you obey him? If you want to see your son, then you see him! It's as simple as that!"

She shakes her head slowly and looks up at me.

"You wouldn't understand anyway, even if I tried to explain you."

She falls silent as we suddenly hear Kyo enter the house and soon see him step into the kitchen. He eyes both of us worriedly, trying to estimate the situation and catch his breath at the same time. He's red in the face. I guess he really tried to make it as short for me as possible by running to the store.

His mother stands up and smiles at him.

"You took so long" she scolds him and takes the bag of buns from his hand. "Thank you, dearest. Go sit down now."

Kyo takes a seat next to me and looks at me questioningly. I just smile at him slightly and he relaxes, understanding that there's no immediate problem and that me and his mother managed to be in the same room without biting our heads off.

I wanted to ask her some more questions, but I guess for now I should be satisfied. She thanked me. She acknowledged me and it was something I wanted for a long time.

We have our coffee with buns and soon me and Kyo stand up to leave. We have to go back to Tokyo and immediately dive back into work.

When they say their goodbyes, she hugs him and kisses him on the forehead gently, and I can't help but feel happy for Kyo.

And when she smiles slightly at me and hands me the remaining buns for the journey, I feel like there was some hope for us.

Maybe with a lot of time and patience it would get better.

Maybe my and Kyo's mothers relationship would get not only bearable, but even somewhat friendly.

oOo

July, 2012

The bags in my hands feel heavy and hit my legs with every hurried step I take. I keep my head bowed down and hurry after Kaoru, already feeling the rain running down from my head to my chin. In a couple of minutes we're both soaking wet.

Kaoru opens the trunk and we dump bags full of food in there. As soon as my hands are free, I run for the driver's seat and finally get inside, away from the horrid rain falling in torrents. Few seconds after Kaoru also gets in the car and closes the door.

"That was so unexpected" he laughs, wiping the rainwater from his face with the back of his hand.

"Yeah…"

I take a few moments to catch my breath and look for some little rag or tissues to wipe my face with. My hair is wet as if I just went out of the shower, my t-shirt also has soaked through. I think I'll need to get a hot shower after we'll come back home.

I start the engine and slowly get going. It's raining so heavily that I can barely see a thing, so I drive rather slowly.

Kaoru next to me makes himself comfortable and yawns.

"Man, I'm so fucking tired."

"I'd be surprised if you weren't. You barely slept this week."

"Huh… yeah… At least now I'll have more time and be able to concentrate on our music fully."

I keep silent for a moment, watching the car in front of me stop at red light.

"Are you going to tell me what exactly happened?" I demand. Kaoru wanted to quit writing music for Yoshiki's band for a long time now, but it never really happened and he never really could. But then, a week ago, he came back from that job totally furious and said he was finally done with those fuckers.

And he never told me why.

"Kyo" he sighs and turns to look at me. "Just forget it. Didn't you ever want me to leave that job? So I finally did. You should only be happy with the result."

I throw him a nasty glare that speaks for itself. Does he really think I'm ever going to forget this? Of course I want to know what happened to make him so angry and finally leave.

"You know, the more you don't want to tell me, the more I want to know."

He sighs again and turns to look out the window. The green light turns on and we move again. He watches the passing streets and people, and the rain, running down the side window.

"The lead singer shared his opinion with me" Kaoru finally says.

"About what?"

"About you."

I glance at him for a second, not sure if I heard right, but then turn back. I desperately need to concentrate on the road in these shitty conditions.

"And what did he say about me?"

"He had a recent magazine with your interview and was talking about you with his band mates."

The way Kaoru's voice sounds forced I can easily guess he didn't say anything nice.

"Of course, he didn't see me. So he openly laughed at you and said things that… that decent people don't go around saying."

"What exactly?"

"You don't want to hear that."

"I do."

"No, you don't."

I snort at his attitude.

"So what? Did you reveal yourself and said you were quitting?"

"No."

He keeps silent and looks out the window.

"I broke his nose and knocked out some teeth."

"What?! Why would you? Are you serious?" I stare at him.

Kaoru nods and finally looks at me.

"I knew he didn't exactly like me, but I never knew his thoughts on you. He's a total piece of shit and I'm not going to help that pig be famous by writing music for his fucking band."

I keep silent and watch the road.

I guess I should be happy that he finally quit, but then I'm now worried about him even more.

"Won't you get in trouble over that?"

He shakes his head.

"Yoshiki and Shinya dealt with that. When I told them everything, they were glad I kicked the bastard's ass. For anyone's concern, he's away for personal reasons and he's not going to tip me off to police. And what's going to become of the band is already none of my concern."

"But what was it that he said?"

"Kyo, he saw you back then, when you were sick, because I had to go to work constantly and couldn't leave you alone. He mimicked you cruelly as if you were some retard, made fun of you the best way he could and I just snapped. I wanted to fucking kick his sorry ass all the way to the China."

I thought he didn't exactly like me, especially after Kaoru started a band with me, but I didn't know he didn't like me to this extent.

"So what's done is done. I'm just happy that you've finally quit. You were always so overworked."

"Yeah… I'm also happy I quit…"

We keep silent for a while and I see Kaoru start blinking sleepily. He could fall asleep any minute.

"I'm sorry, Kaoru, I wish I was of more use to you."

"What?" he turns to look at me.

"I always cause problems to you… I mean… You don't know how much I would want to do something for you – to protect you, to kick someone's ass for you or just take care of you. Because it's always you who's the stronger one of the two of us, it's always you, but never me and… it bothers me a lot."

"It's not like that, Kyo" he says rather calmly. I expected him to get angry at me and give me a lecture on low self esteem, but apparently it's not going to be exactly like that. Maybe because he's almost asleep while sitting.

"Kyo, you are strong, how can you not see it? After all that has happened to you, you found will to move on, to take back your life and be in charge of it. You went back to sing on stage knowing perfectly well that every face in the crowd knows that you were kidnapped, raped and tortured, that you weren't yourself when you were found and that there's a possibility that you're having a relationship with me. It takes a man to not give a damn about any of that and do whatever you want to do.

I admire how you can go to the meeting with the label and tell them to their faces to either fuck off or let you have the music and lyrics you want and the way you want them. And you have enough brains to know how much you can push them and how in order to get exactly what you want.

You're a weird, self-centered artist, a vocalist one of a kind and the label very soon, for their own luck, understood that this was exactly why fans love and respect you. If they interfered and made you some pop singer, all would go down the drain the next instant.

Kyo, there's so much more to you than only these few things. I can understand why you'd feel insecure, but believe me – you don't have to feel inferior compared to me.

Kyo-kun, I never thought low of you – ever."

I almost hold back my remarks to him, but I'm glad I did. I know Kaoru's sincere with me. He always is.

"I know that you always respected me and never diminished me compared to yourself and I'm very grateful to you for that, but… I just wish there was something more I could do to make you happy."

"You think I'm unhappy?"

"I…"

Kaoru smirks at me evilly and puts his hand on my shoulder.

"Now when I quit my other lousy job, I'm as happy as I could possibly get."

"But there are problems and things that…"

"And there'll always be, Kyo. It's life."

"Life…"

"Come on, just get it to your thick head that there's nothing else you need to do. Everything's fine the way it is. Your mother's even talking to me finally! How much better can it get?!"

"Ha ha, very funny!"

"I'm too tired to make more coherent thoughts, Kyo. What's all this all of a sudden?"

"I'm just…"

I stop at red light again and feel Kaoru's eyes on me. The raindrops hit the roof of the car noisily and it overpowers even the noise of the engines of the cars around us.

"Whatever you say, Kaoru, it's always going to be you who sacrificed more for my sake and I just… It's unfair that it's always been so hard for you, that you always did more for my sake, that you're always the supporting one of the two of us…"

He keeps silent and somehow this makes the whole situation more awkward for me than it should be.

"Kyo, nothing in this life is for free, you get nothing without hard work and effort. I earned your love the hard way. But that's why it's ten times more precious than it would have been if you would have said you'll date me when I confessed my feelings for the first time after the show."

The green light turns on and I resume driving.

"The only thing I truly regret is letting you walk off that bus without anyone noticing."

"Kaoru, I…"

Come on, say it.

You've said it already a few times, so what's so hard to say it once more?

Say it.

Kaoru, I love you so bad.

Say it.

"Are we clear now?" he smiles to me and I nod. "Truly?"

"Yeah… Sorry, but it was on my mind for some time and it was bothering me a little."

"Well at least you finally brought it up. You should always do that instead of keeping all to yourself and worrying over nothing."

He closes his eyes and makes himself more comfortable.

"I'll close my eyes for a moment."

"Sure."

You need some rest, Kaoru. You really do.

I focus my entire attention on the road now.

It seems like the rain started to fall even heavier. If that was even possible.

The whole time I listen to the rain until I hear Kaoru's light snoring.

Poor thing, he fell asleep. He was already walking like a dead, with bags under his eyes. I'm tired myself, but not as much as he is.

He sleeps throughout the rest of the way and when I finally turn into our driveway and turn the engine off, he remains sleeping. I unbuckle my seatbelt and turn to look at him.

He's sleeping so peacefully that I don't have the heart to wake him up. Though I know I should. We're both wet and we'll soon get cold without the heating in the car.

I inch closer to him and lean my head on my seat, watching his sleeping face.

He's grown older. But he is so handsome to me. His gorgeous hooked nose and thin lips, his black like night hair, his tattooed arms.

I lift my hand and trace my fingers from his palm all the way to his shoulder.

The touch sends shivers through me. Or maybe it's the cold. I don't know.

I guide my hand further and touch his eyelids lightly. Then trace my fingers over his eyebrow, entwine them in his hair.

I lean closer and put a kiss on the corner of his lips.

The sound of heavy rain overlies all other sounds and it feels like I'm alone with him in some mysterious place of water, where there's only me and there's only him. I can't even see anything through the window – only water running down Kaoru's car's window in a stream.

I draw my lips to his ear and whisper.

"So badly… I love you so badly…"

Kaoru smiles very lightly in his sleep as if he had heard me say it. Or maybe he felt the tickle made by the breath I exhaled on his sensitive earlobe.

I draw back slightly and smile.

I should wake him up and we should take the bags and get in the house, take a shower and make dinner.

But I just want a few more peaceful seconds.

Here in silence, surrounded by the heavy rain washing away all the dirt from the face of the world. With Kaoru sleeping peacefully and comfortably by my side. I want to watch him for just a few more seconds.

Some more.

Before life gets hectic again.

…

I put my head on his shoulder and close my eyes.

…

…

…

I feel him stir up and I swear I can hear him open his eyes. A moment later I feel his hand descend on my thigh and I open my eyes as well.

The only thing I see is his face so close to mine that I can even count his eyelashes. His tired dark eyes are watching me closely, so full of love that only a blind man could not see it. The emotions he has for me are written all over his face. They're so predictable and obvious that it's almost painful to perceive them.

I can smell his scent. It's very Kaoru-like – barely noticeable, but very sweet and homey. And all-enduring. I'm sure some of it has rubbed off on me. I hope it did. I want to belong to him in all ways possible. I want to be his in body and soul.

Forever.

"What are you thinking about?" he suddenly asks and I draw back slightly, but his arm remains on my leg, not letting me go.

"You" I answer honestly, for once not making any stupid excuses.

He falters for a second, but then a smile creeps unto his lips slowly.

He parts his lips slightly as if he was just about to say something, but then just smiles broadly at me, giving me the warmest look ever.

He doesn't need to say it again. I know. And by the look on his face I know I also don't need to say any words to him. He knows.

Kaoru knows it.

"Let's go in finally, it's getting cold" he says and I nod.

Kaoru gets out of the car and rushes through the rain to take the bags from the car trunk. As if tugged by some invisible strings I immediately follow him, getting out of the car myself. I take two bags myself and we hurry home.

Kaoru opens up the door and gets inside, shakes the water from his hair and wrings out his sleeves, takes off the shoes.

I slowly close the door and the sound of the rain gets muffled.

The rest of the world is left on the other side of the door and finally it's just the two of us.

I close the distance between us and kiss his lips. He lets out a surprised grunt, but then when I'm about to draw back catches my chin with his fingers and kisses me back.

And I could stand just right here with him, in the hall, soaking wet and cold, a little hungry, but completely happy with how my life turned out to be.

Because in the end it turned out just right – with the madness of busy days and the sweetness of long nights, but never alone. With him.

With Kaoru.

And I wouldn't want to be anywhere else in the world, but in our own house, taking a shower, making some _miso_ and rice, having dinner in front of TV and retiring for the night early, because we're tired.

Sounds mundane?

Sounds like perfect to me.

**THE END**

So this time it's the end for real :) No more sequels :P

I hope I managed to tie all the knots and more or less answer all the questions :)

Loved it? Hated it? XD

This is the last time to reward me with your comments XD Because I love getting comments! XD

3


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